Thursday, June 28, 2012

Naked Pictures and Wild Life

This week, my guest, Mac, takes over the blog.  He's taking pity on me because of the moving debacle.  I enjoy his photos and his writings, so hopefully will you.
If you're an avid reader, you may care that I’m an author of character-driven SF/F/paranormals filled with quirky sorts who lug a lot of baggage, in worlds that aren’t that far out.
If you love nature, or photography in general, you may care that I have the photo addiction, and weekly post pictures I take during my outings. CL has generously invited me to share some of my favorites today. Stop by my blogs on Sunday evenings…I almost always have a new set. Please visit, leave a note. I love the company…I don't get out much.

There you'll find pix like these, in and around Tampa, Tampa Bay, Hillsborough Bay, the Hillsborough River, University of South Florida, and Tampa University:
 (hint: if you are not in a on a picture to drop into a higher resolution Lightbox of the galley)

-R. Mac Wheeler
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Sunday, June 24, 2012

I Have Mooooooved OR My Brain Has Left the Building OR I'm Writing a Blog to Make Mysefl Feel Better

Well, I don't have my bamboo pad to do wondrous illustrations to offset my sarcastic sniping.  I think the bamboo pad is somewhere in the southern United States in the back of a big truck, along with the rest of our stuff.  In other words, there won't be quaint and gut-splitting drawings.  So I'll stick something in that I already did.

I think it's apt to malign HIM again.
Where was I?  Oh, yes.  Moving.  Well, it's a horrid, wretched story.  The cat went into his kitty carrier and stayed there for 12 hours straight.  I had to force him to drink water and that wasn't pretty.  On the other hand, the pharmacy in Bristol, Virginia is a happening cool place because they gave me a free syringe.  (Those of you without pets will have to ask those of you with pets about this process.  I have to take a break to change the bandages on my arms.)

The battery of the car died right at the beginning of the trip, causing HIM's vein in his forehead to pop out ominously.  Fortunately the good neighbor was home (HIM said he would rather be dragged through poison ivy and poison sumac and poison oak before asking the bad neighbor for a jump.  Also he would take a cab to the auto place first, but we dodged that bullet) and gave us a jump.  Our first stop in our 12 hour extravaganza was at Auto Zone where we purchased a new battery for $155.  I'm told by HIM that one does NOT skimp on car batteries.  (I assume HIM is right but what do I know?)

But we were in such a hurry that HIM stuck the new battery in the back of the Explorer and decided just not to turn the car off for 12 hours and/or 600-ish miles.  That was loads of fun.  We only stopped to go to the bathroom, get food, force water down the cat, and fix the straps on the doohickey we bought to put on the top of the car.  (I said something about stopping to pee and HIM glared at me.)

Incidentally, it turns out that Uhaul won't rent trailers to people with Ford Explorers.  Uhaul sucks.  They said it was an insurance issue.  (Ford Explorers = Lawsuit badness)  We saw a mini-truck that had been chopped, slammed, and dropped and IT was towing a Uhaul trailer.  The connection nearly dragged on the asphalt and the back doors of the trailer were held together with a bungee cord, but hey it wasn't a Ford Explorer so I guess they didn't have an insurance issue.  Silly me.  (Seriously, chopped, slammed, AND dropped AND hauling a Uhaul trailer.  I'm not making it up.)

So we bought a thing that gets attached to the roof.  It's a thing.  You know, a technical term.  A thing.  You attach it to the beams on top and put stuff in it.  The whole way I was afraid it was going to blow off and kill the poor, unfortunate souls in the vehicle unlucky enough to be directly behind us at the time it decided to attempt its great escape.  (Cue Steve McQueen with a baseball and glove here.)  HIM put a strap on it because it was advised in the consumer reviews.  (Learn from some other poor bastards mistakes, I always say.)  The strap made noise.  It made a weird noise.  In fact, it made lots of weird noises.  In the first three hours of the trip we stopped four times to adjust the strap and beat my head on the tree on the side of the road.  This reminds me of advice I gave to HIM about keeping me happy.

Unhappy Fat Woman
Another old illustration because I don't have my bamboo pad which is driving around the countryside even as I type.

Happy Fat Woman.  (Birds singing here.)
There was some other madness involved.  My stomach rebelled about hour 11 and I decimated the rest stop at the Tennessee/Alabama state line.  (I think they took a photo of our license plate as we left so we would be banned from there for ever more.)

I was going to do a three parter on the moving thing, but I find myself getting tired of even repeating it.  So today they called to say the antique truck might be delivered today but the 60 odd year old fuel hose went buy-bye.  He might not be able to get it off the truck.  Hahaha.  I'm going for the alcohol in the fridge.  Maybe I'll take pictures.  The house stuff is supposed to be delivered on Monday.  I think I need a trip to the liquor store.

Anyway, the moron cat is okay now and exploring his new house.  The kid's okay, too.  She took the trip better than anyone else.  She got to watch Tron and Peter Pan.  She was rooting for the crocodile.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Hey YOU! Yes YOU! Feed My Stinking Fish!

I know.  I'm in the no-blog zone.  But my fish need feeding.  My sister tells me that's the main reason she comes to look at my blog, to feed my fish.  Apparently the little fishies amuse her in a way that my sarcastic, literary style does not.  Also my MIL told me she reads my blog nowadays but she does not feed my fish.  I need to put a new gadget up.

Also a reminder.  I'm in the middle of moving.  My brain has pretty much packed itself up and went buh-bye.  I think it said something about the Bahamas and a drink called a Screaming Red Zombie.  (That's not related to a Screaming Blue Viking and you have to yell, "Brains!" when you drink it.  Believe it or not, Red Robin (YUM!) introduced me to the Screaming Red Zombie after I was forced to sit through a 3 hour dance recital in which our only daughter was on stage for a maximum of four minutes.  I think my butt is still stuck to that seat in the auditorium.)

Although I'm non-blogging, I seem to be blogging.  It's very strange.  I can't stop.

Anyhoo, my house is a disaster area, money is flowing out in a disproportional rate, and I can't find anything.  As I've said before, moving sucks.  The packers are coming tomorrow to do twisted things to our belongings.  I had to hide all the good stuff.

This is what I picture happening when they load up all of our crap.
Picture by Drew Francis.  See here.
That's all I've got for now.  I must go and chase down my daughter's moron cat and put his collar on him so that he'll be used to it for the long drive down there.  Wow.  What fun.  Me, HIM, my daughter, and the moron cat in an explorer for 12 to 14 hours.  Hahaha.  Wonder if I can stock up on straight-jackets early.

Monday, June 11, 2012

More Amazing Blogs You Might Have Missed OR Look, I'm Not Really Blogging, But I AM!

In my last unblog (that's sort of like an unbirthday, thank you Lewis Carrol) I mentioned some of my favorite blogs.  But also there's more!  More!  More!  More!

In The Stupidest Man Ever I systematically rip through a stranger's psyche for being too stupid to know where ham and bacon come from.  You might not believe it but this man was that dumb.  He's dumber than my daughter's moron cat.  I swear the cat just meowed at me in protest.  Perhaps he's not that stupid.  Naw.

But wait, I felt like maligning my daughter's pediatrician in The Mystery of the Funky Green Poop.  Well, the doctor did ask for it, so did the nurse for that matter.  But who can resist the title?  It's a mystery AND it's funky and green.  How can you go wrong with that?

And who can resist The Underwire Bra - Wonder or Horrific Implement of a Vindictive Man?  I don't care for the illustrations in this earlier (think stone age) blog, but the story is hilarious.  One day someone is going to die by underwire bra in one of my novels and you'll know exactly how I came up with the idea!

Finally, for your reading hilarity there's SUPER Deodorant Power! Or How Advertising Has Attained the Level of Ludicrosity!  I probably made up a word, but hell I make up all kinds of things so making up a word seems insignificant in comparison.

So while all you wonderful people are reading, or rereading as the case may be, these older blogs, and giggling your collective tushies off, I will be huddled in a corner sucking my thumb because my brain has imploded on account of the whole horrendous moving process.  (Wow.  Run on sentence and I wasn't even trying.)  Have fun!

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Blogs You Might of Missed OR Hey, Read This!

I was thinking, which usually gets me arrested, in trouble, or shunned, and it occurs to me that I've got tons of blogs and many of you might not have read some of them.  (Gasp!  How could you?)  Allow me to recommend my absolute favs, in no particular order.

Rats!  No, Really Rats! Or How I Will Always Hold it Against the Pest Control Guy.  Hey, the title speaks for itself.  We had rats.  We had cats.  We did not have Dr. Seuss or bats.  Hilarity ensued.

On Having a Daughter Or Don't Stare Luridly at My Child OR I Might be Oversensitive on This Issue.  What happens to my brain when some little male pipsqueak chats up my daughter with an offer of a "diamond."  Sarcastic hilarity (after the fact) ensued.

Him Had Surgery OR How This Day Got Progressively Weirder!  The adventures of Fat Woman and Pain in the Ass Man as they explore the wide wonderful world of surgery at a VA hospital.  After dealing with a GPS unit with a New Zealand accent and Washington DC traffic, the people at the VA seem really normal.  Not.  Hilarity ensued well after I got HIM home and had a drink.  (It might have been two drinks.)

The Origin of Zombies OR How We Must Never Drive Past Graveyards at Night.  Never let it be said that I don't listen to my daughter's stories about zombies.  Not only do I listen to them but I steal them for blog material, with proper acknowledgement, of course.

There.  That should keep you busy for about twenty minutes.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

New Book Out! OR Look I Published Arcanorum!

Okay.  I know I said I wouldn't blog, but I did need to get the word out, after writing for a few months, having the proofreader/editor work on it, and finding a new formatting person, here it is:

Here's the description:

Jane is a woman without a past.  She wakes up in the back of a car with handcuffs on her wrists, with a man intent on doing her harm.  She escapes, but into the murky underworld of New Orleans.  A mysterious man shadows her and strange memories tantalize her.  People want to hurt her and an unearthly creature stalks the night.  Insanity might be a possibility but everything is horrifyingly real.
This sultry world is anything but ordinary.  Instead it is full of black magics and curious beasts and the thoughts of a man who can read Jane’s mind.

Jane must solve the mystery of who she is or be forever lost.
Book 3 of the Lake People series.

Find it here on Amazon.

Find it here on B&N.

Find it here on Smashwords.

Don't forget you can gift ebooks on Amazon, B&N, and Smashwords.

Happy reading, ya'll!

Monday, June 4, 2012

Confessions of a Highly Manic Fat Woman's Moving Experiences

To anyone who reads the blog, it comes as no surprise that I'm in the middle of moving lock, stock, and barrel to Alabama, where I will be reanimated as Super Fat Woman.  No, wait, make that *SUPER FAT WOMAN!!!*  (Wait, already on a tangent.  Imagining myself as completely rejuvenated after my move and eventual unpacking.  Probably not going to happen.)

So consequently in an effort to maintain my sanity, I'm taking a blog break for a few weeks.  Not sure when the computer will go offline, probably on the 15th and won't come back on until the next week.

I will, however, try to post when Arcanorum: A Lake People Novel comes up at the end of next week.  (Knock on wood.  Hell, find a forest and start hitting each tree.  I'm going to need the luck.)

I will still answer email and Facebook so I won't be completely off the grid.

In the immortal words of Ahh-norld, "I will be back."

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