|Tarzan, Lord of the Apes, and King of Undying Remakes,|
does NOT have
good posture in this illustration.
When I was a tween, I discovered Edgar Rice Burroughs. (Trust me, this is much better than discovering Justin Bieber.) I loved Tarzan of the Apes. (I luvved Tarzan. I'll get to luv later in the blog.) I discovered that Edgar had a big pile-o-rama of action/suspense/romance in the waiting for me to read. Then I discovered that he had died decades before I was ever born and I was heartbroken. (Tween, remember? Lots of melodrama involved.)
I can honestly say Edgar was a guiding influence in becoming a writer. And don't let anyone get it wrong, Edgar was a bigtime romantic. Tarzan would clutch Jane to his heaving breast and smooch her severely. Tarzan might have been raised by apes, but he was all man, baby. Then there was the adventures in The Land That Time Forgot, which was coolness personified. (It was an island that TIME frickin' forgot with a hunky hero going all neanderthal on the hot, oh-I-need-help-bad babe. Dinosaurs and dames in distress. You cannot go wrong with that formula.) There was also John Carter cavorting all over Mars and let's not forget that Carson Napier was all over Venus. Edgar sent adventuresome hunks to the moon and to the middle of earth. Let's just say these heroes got around.
|This does not look like a pirate to me.|
This looks like a messed up birdman.
Interestingly enough I was amazed to see them (Hollywood) making John Carter the movie, or rather, they did A Princess of Mars, which is the first Burroughs book with that character. But hey, look at all the cool special effects they do now, so wtf? Someone in Disney said, "It worked with Pirates, let's do John Carter." I don't know why they called it John Carter instead of A Princess of Mars, but I'm not a Hollywood producer and what do I know? I also do not know why they thought anyone would recognize John Carter as a primary character from a book that is, guess what, nearly a century old.
Consequently, having been indoctrinated into Burroughs, I forced HIM, the man to whom I'm married, to go see the movie. We found a 2D one to go to and got a babysitter. (The 3D ones make me want to barf on the person in the seat in front of me. Apparently I've got some sort of weird 3D motion sickness thing going on and people in the rows in front of me do not care for it.) (Have you ever said to the person in the seat in front of you, "Sorry about that popcorn? Buy you another one?")
|John Carter, kicking butts and taking names,|
and rescuing the hot martian babe princess...
For a twelve year old, this was hot stuff. (I wanted to magically go to Mars and have adventures with a hot martian prince. Really, I did.)
|Edgar had a penchant for his heroes to be|
tall, black haired, and gray-eyed. I don't
know about this guy, but he's okay, I guess.
|I think Edgar would be totally on board with this hot babe princess.|
Or at least Frank Frazetta would be.
|I couldn't find a jumping still so here's one with his Martian dog thing.|
The actor must be pissed, having to play second fiddle to a special FX.
I mean, I'm all over the hero going to save the hot babe princess and also the world, and setting everything up for a nice sequel (good luck with that considering the huge inequity in how much the move made versus how much it cost) and all, but dang, did they have to steal a scene from Braveheart? Come on! Edgar would not approve. Mel Gibson should be ranting about it.
|"I luv you." "No, I luv you more." "No, I luv you." "Oh, shut up."|
"Clutch me to your heaving breast already!"
In conclusion the movie goes on to explain how John Carter went back to earth and was pissed about it and how his nephew is really Edgar, who didn't really write the book but just published John's diaries about his adventures on Mars or Barsoom, as the Barsoomians call Mars. (Run on sentence alert! I should have added a few more "ands".)
I went and downloaded all the Tarzan books on kindle. I need someone to clutch me to his heaving breast and plant a scorching hot smoochie on me. Where's HIM when I need him?