Thursday, December 24, 2015

Spoilers, Spoilers, Spoilers OR How Fat Woman Went to See The Force Awakens

Warning: There are spoilers following this.  In fact, I spoil the holy living crap out of it.  I'm warning you if you haven't seen the movie, and you want to see the movie, I will spoil it.  Furthermore, if you've seen the movie, and you lurve the movie, I might spoil it, too.  So if you're easily upset by anyone saying stuff about Star Wars, Star Wars stuff, Star Wars merchandizing, or George Lucas, don't read this.  Really.  Seriously.  Don't do it.

First, several memes to separate the spoiling warning from the rant.
Not sure why I think this is funny, but it is.

Slamming both Darth the V. and Office Space.  Somewhere Gary Cole
is giggling.

Then I get to slam the guy from the Dos XXs
commercial and Darth the V.  My work is done, but not really.
Okay, three Star Wars related memes in between the warning and the rant like I promised.

Now for the actual rant, er, review.

OMFG!  I can't believe I waited 31 years for this rehash of every other Star Wars movie ever fricking made.  Don't fret because I shall go into dreadful and excruciating detail.

Here's the basic premise: It's 30ish years after Star Wars: The Return of the Jedi and things are not hunky-dory.  The First Order has replaced the evil empire and Emperor Pruneface, er, I mean Palpatine.  (But don't worry even though the First Order is now in charge they didn't bother changing the storm troopers outfits because then the audience wouldn't know who was a bad guy or not.)  Luke Skywalker has vanished.  The Resistance is still resisting.  Everyone is looking for Luke because they need him/lurve him/want to kill him/want to tickle his neck feathers.  A mysterious guy played by Max Von Sydow gives a Resistance pilot a little something-something that might lead the Resistance to Luke.  The pilot, whose name is Poe Dameron, hides it in...a droid (BB-8) because the village just got attacked by the First Order and a neat black masked guy who looks a lot like Darth Vader but kewler and whose name is Kylo Ren.  Rey, a scavenger on the same planet, finds the droid and Finn who is a storm trooper who deserted while rescuing Poe from Kylo Ren.  Rey and Finn find the Millennium Falcon on the planet and she's so super mechank-y and super pilot-y that they evade a gazillion or so tie fighters and one of the big cruisers because well there wouldn't be much of a plot if they didn't.  And the beat goes on in that way.

I sat in the theater counting points off my fucking fingers because I was getting so pissed off.

I'm not sure what was worse, the lets-hide-the-valuable-information-in-the-droid plot point or lets-have-a-brand-new-death-star-that's-ten-times-as-big-as-the-last-death-star plot point.  The new death star is called a starkiller because it sucks the energy out of suns and then unleashes it on Resistance-occupied planets to blow them up because well starkiller sounds better than death star.  Plus the audience gets to see the whiz bang special effects and go, "Ooooo."

I have to stop for a minute to finish cursing and also to catch my breath, so have a death star meme.
This is a dirty death star meme in case you
didn't realize it.
Then there's the whole everyone's after this mysterious map to find Luke Skywalker.  You see, Luke Skywalker disappeared because he wanted to disappear, not because he was a hidden treasure that someone wanted to find later.  So who made the three piece map and gave it out to various and sundry plot devices?  It certainly wasn't Luke $#%^!! Skywalker.  Somehow later in the movie it becomes two pieces that the droids put together, because flipping humans couldn't do that shizz.

Time to take another break with a meme:
I bet the original Chewbacca is on my side.  Just listen to what he says.
Should I say I loved seeing Han Solo back?  Chewbacca too.  Yes, I should say that because I don't want it to seem like this was the worst movie ever.  (It wasn't but it could have been so much better!)  But as soon as Rey, Finn, and the little M&M like droid (cute replacement for R2D2) got into space they were almost instantly tracked down by Han and Chewie, who'd been looking for their missing Millennium Falcon, which coincidently happened to be on the same planet as Rey, the droid, the missing information for finding Luke Skywalker, and probably some other shizz I missed because I was busy waving the steam out of my ears.  (I haven't forgotten about Princess Leia, who is now General Leia, because I'll be getting to her later.)  So Han and Chewie are now hauling freight.  And everyone decides to board his freighter at the exact same time because you know (PLOT DE-bleeping-VICE!) that stuff just happens like that in space.  They escape in the Falcon and Han takes it over because it is his shizz.
I needed to add this one because I just did.
Off to a new place with an alien named Maz in charge that looks suspiciously like E.T.  Maz just happens to have Luke's original light saber, which by the way was in his hand when it was cut off by Darth Vader at the end of The Empire Strikes Back, so what the $#@%!! is up with that?  Luke, as all Star Wars fans remember fell down to the bottom of Cloud City, hung out on an antenna, mentally called for Leia, and got rescued.  But the fricking light saber did NOT.

Then Rey gets Luke's original light saber (the blue one) which somehow goes to Finn and has the whole movie audience going, "Who's the real replacement Jedi knight?"  It turns out that Rey only had to be dangling off the edge of a icy cliff and be offered a deal to go to the dark side to realize that she was the real Jedi knight.  In all that time on a desert planet, scavenging for stuff off wrecked imperial cruisers and living in a walker, marking days off waiting for her family to return because she's apparently pretty flipping na├»ve, she had no idea she had secret Jedi powers with which to kick serious First Order ass.  But don't worry she was about to take down the biggest dark side bad ass since Darth the V. happened.  And it happens so quickly, I was like, "What the frick just happened?"  Seriously, I wanted to stop the projectionist guy and ask him to back it the $#@!! up because I must have blinked or had a brain fart or something like that.  (The hubs said I wanted to Zapruder it.)

Anyway the latest Darth Vader replacement is the formerly mentioned Kylo Ren, who is Han and Leia's son, (One of the two big SECRETS of the movie.  Don't say I didn't warn you.) and supposedly the reason why Luke left.  Luke was training new Jedi knights when Kylo Ren snapped and went to the dark side.  Kylo Ren snatches Rey up because he "senses" she saw the map.  At this point, Han sees Kylo Ren carrying Rey into the big bad ship with the wings that fold up just before it lands.  Finn sees it too.  At this point the Resistance arrives with General Organa in charge.
So the song is running through my head now.
I had to have a meme break because of what I'm going to say next.  Carrie Fisher acts like she's got dentures in her mouth.  I swear she kind of mumbled her lines and her lips were pinched like she had permanent constipation.  I'm going with one of those strokes that freeze half of your face and you have to have your eyelid sewn shut or something.  It wasn't very nice.  I realize she's only a few years older than I am, but OMG, there was something wrong with her.  I did not enjoy seeing her like this.

Of course this was followed up by the rescue on the starkiller while the starkiller was revving up on a sun to kill the planet where the Resistance was located.  Finn was recruited to help turn off the starkiller's shields or something because he used to work there (as a janitor storm trooper, who knew?)  (This is the scene where the second big SECRET happens, but I won't say it, even in my long, varied rant o'spoilers.)  Let's just say, of course the Resistance kicked butt and Rey and Finn saved the day because they had to do it.  All the X-Wing fighters also kicked starkiller butt, to include Poe from before and the guy from the original Heroes who looks a little chubby to be a pilot, but who am I to criticize a person over their weight?  (No saving cheerleaders in this movie, buddy-boy.)

I needed to add a meme before winding down.
Then General Organa hugs Rey because they insta-bonded having never met before.  Also everyone's uber accepting of Finn.  (That whole former life as a storm trooper business was just him acting up and he's completely trustworthy in 2.5 seconds.)

Rey and Chewbacca are off to follow the starmap, and who do they find at the end?  Well, let's just say that Mark Hamill didn't have to memorize any lines for this movie.  Supposedly he was looking for a Jedi temple.  (Did you know that they have Jedi temples all over the fricking place?  I'm pretty sure there's one in the 7-Eleven down the street.  I want to find a meme with Apu from The Simpsons saying, "Come again.  May the Force be with you." but I don't think I could find one.)

In conclusion, I didn't like the movie.  Color me disappointed.  I need another meme.

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