|She'll make you an offer you can't refuse. Fahgedaboddit.|
|This is also known as my street.|
This neighbor, who I've called names so often that my daughter has commented, "Mommy, are the cows home?" in reference to them, is the least likable person that I've ever had the displeasure to meet. If I never meet this person again it will be too soon. This person is a fervid believer of thou shall do unto others as I don't do unto others, but don't you dare bring that up because I will deny EVERYTHING!
Upon bottomless reflection and the longing to rant about the issue so that I may let it go, I came to some inferences. Deep seated, psychological inferences. It's my belief that I have deciphered this person's personal ten commandments. Seriously, this is how this person thinks. (This should be fun.)
1. Thou shall only apologize in one direction from you to myself. I shall never apologize for that goes against my personal beliefs, no matter how wrongity-wrong-wrong I am. (I'm not wrong. You're just wrong for thinking it.)
|Diagram of dogly doobies. How can any canine possibly poop |
that damn much?
|Why, yes, yes he does. I think they feed him Ex-Lax.|
7. Thou shall ignore the fact that we drink alcohol constantly and leave the beer cans everywhere. Thou shall ignore the fact that we throw them down the water drain as well because obviously our mamas never taught anything about civil conscience. (I should really cross this one off because they're obviously just being 'green' and planning on using their empty beer cans for a gigantic beer can sculpture on their front lawn. Silly me.)
8. Thou shall ignore the fact that we leave all kinds of crap (not necessarily the dogly kind) on our yard in a way that reminds me of the hoarding show on TLC. (Maybe I should cross this one off too because they could be planning their own reality show. Who am I to impend their imminent stardom?)
9. Thou shall never again mention anything that we've borrowed from you and never bothered to return or even discuss why we haven't returned it to you. We (the royal we) may do as we please. (This includes cash, DVDs, toys, and anything we many have 'borrowed.') (Reminding us of stuff we borrowed = badness or 'You should have known better than to have loaned it to us.')
10. Thou shall ignore the fact that I allow my offspring to run screaming into the night, every night, every single, solitary night, because since they are home-schooled and I allow them to 'sleep' in so that I may 'sleep' in. So what if you and all the other neighbors have to get up early for various other reasons. If you complain you are impeding my children's development into perennial laziness and sloth. Stupid neighbor. (Complaining about noise = badness or 'You should just sleep in, too.')
In conclusion, I have tried to be a good neighbor. But my idea of 'good' only stretches only so far. (I think that particular rubber band has snapped a long, long, long time ago.) HIM has told me that I cannot post this blog. It may be the one and only time that I'm going over HIM's head. Basically, here's the one fingered salute for the not-so-stand up individuals that I'm discussing. It ain't libel if it's true and here's a little primer on libel for my readers and for my least favorite neighbors:
There I feel better.