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Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Gym Agony!

Yesterday I went for my umpteenth training session with COLLEEN the gym training goddess and personal fitness Nazi. Apparently I'm not happy unless I can't get out of bed the next day. Like today. There was an exercise that involved a lunge and using muscles that haven't been used since I gave birth to my daughter. There were weights involved and the skinny perky titted twinkie was going, "You can do it! Just five more. Just twenty more. Just five more seconds. Here I'll wave a donut in front of your face and then not let you have it. Psych." In conclusion or in consequence, my inner thigh muscles and my butt muscles (of which have no need to be skinny because apparently my ass is one of the few parts of my body that is NOT actually fat) HURTS like a sonuvabitch. I'm told that I resembled a penguin whilst moving down my hallway this morning, which was not a comment that lended itself to anyone in my house getting any consideration out of me. Let me catalogue my woes. Inner thighs. Ouch. Butt cheeks. Owwy. Calves. Screw you. Back muscles. (Colleen LOVES to stick her finger in between my shoulder blades to make sure that I'm doing the exercise correctly. If I can crunch a walnut in between my shoulder blades I get to graduate to the next level.) Upper arms. Youch. Inner disposition. Why the hell do I do this to myself?

Sunday, January 4, 2009

I Came, I Saw, I Ate

Hah. I defy anyone to go to a Xmas party without eating bad. We went to several. The business one was at Ruth Chris's Steak House. They were serving hordeurves. Let's see. Jumbo Shrimp on sticks. Scallops wrapped in bacon. Smoked Salmon on Crackers. And they had about a million bottles of wine on the central table with a ton of waiters pouring liberally into balloon sized goblets. And that was just the beginning. You should have seen desert. It was a cheesecake that I could have used as a flotation device if I was sinking. (There's a great analogy there.) In between there was a petite Mignon with more jumbo shrimp on it. And tons of potatoes with tons of butter (real). Also rolls with more butter. Also asparagus with a Hollandaise sauce. Let me say that everyone was secretively undoing their top buttons. And that was just the business one.

Then there was the neighbors. Who had crab, shrimp, more shrimp, stuffed oysters, chips, dips, and lots of other stuff. My God, who could resist.

Then there was the new year's eve party with enough food to equal a mountain. Cookies, fudge, more seafood, booze. Oh, the horror to a fat woman who knows she's supposed to be on a diet.

No one around here will go hungry on the holidays.

So anyway, I gained five pounds. End of story.