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Monday, January 3, 2011

The Underwire Bra - Wonder or Horrific Implement of a Vindictive Man

There. Doesn't the title say everything? I think it might. One day I was walking around, completely minding my own lingerie-minded business, when suddenly one of the wires in my underwire bra broke in half and stabbed me in the boobie. Now I don't mind technical failure when it comes to say a rubber band or any suspension bridge that I'm NOT driving on, but when it comes to my umlatters, that's a different story. My poor whoa-mammas were not doing a thing wrong, let me tell you. See convenient illustration. I think I left out a few swearwords.

Then my boobie got it right in the tender part on the bottom. I'm not sure of the exact thoughts that coursed through my pain-addled brain but it definitely involved swearing in two languages (my swear words are limited to English and Spanish and I intend to fix that as soon as I get on the Internet for future episodes of boobie stabbing by wayward brassieres), taking the Lord's name in vain in multiples, and questioning the parentage of the maker of the bra in general. I had visions of going to the doctor's office and/or emergency room and having to explain the incident. ("Excuse me," I whispered to the clerk. "I have a little problem." "OKAY, MA'AM," the clerk boomed. "YOU DON'T HAVE TO WHISPER. I'M SURE THOSE PATIENTS AND NURSES ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE HOSPITAL WOULD LIKE TO KNOW ALL OF THE DIRTY INTIMATE DETAILS, TOO." "Awk," I whispered, in extreme mortification. "I think I'll just bleed to death instead.")

So there I was with an impaled boobie and I was kind of stuck in a state of mental well-what-the-fuck-am-I-supposed-to-do-about-it and it dawns on me that a woman couldn't possibly have invented the underwire bra. I mean, she would have to have known better. I should have known better. In fact, when I related the incident to my sister on the phone she said, "Well, why did you buy an underwire bra, for fuck's sake?" (Except she didn't SAY, "For fuck's sake," but I'm pretty sure she was thinking it.) So it had to be a man. So while I was meditating on what to say next I googled it and sure as shit, I was wrong. It was a woman. A dumbass who apparently never wore the thing herself. Since she patented in the thirties I can only assume that she was both trying to appeal to female vanity and attempting to make a buck in the Great Depression. Anyway, if you're at all interested look for who invented the underwire bra on wikipedia. Nice long article that tells you way too much about boobie attire and how we really got to the Wonder Bra.

All of which makes me think of the fact that I'm certain that somewhere, somehow some pitiful unfortunate woman had her underwire bra break while she was in the middle of something and she DIED because it hit her aorta or something equally vital. (It says on her gravestone: Poor pitiful, unfortunate Gertrude Jones, victim of fashion and a weak underwire from an underwire bra. WTF was she thinking?)

You decide. The underwire bra, a boon to mankind (Ha! It only makes mankind look at boobies more.) or a horrific implement of a vindictive man or woman as the case might be.

Where are the bleeping band aids?

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