Cressy informed me that my knowledge on zombies was sadly lacking. She looked at me kind of like this.
|No, she didn't really say that, but her expression said everything.|
First and most importantly, how to recognize a zombie.
1. I'm informed that all zombies have gray or white skin.
2. Zombies have messy shirts. All the blood and brain juice just pretty much make that shirt a nonstarter. (Zombies have problems with job interviews and dating.) And all that pink stuff on the zombie's shirt above is brain juice. (Cressy's exact words, "Brain juice, Mommy. Don't get it wrong." There's probably a highly technical word for the same thing but I'm going with 'brain juice.')
3. Zombies DO NOT wear shoes. I don't know why. Perhaps they didn't get the memo about the buy one get one free from Payless Shoe Stores. Perhaps they have bunions. It's a mystery.
4. Zombies say, "Brains..." in a weird voice like they're hungry, or maybe because they're really GOP members who are trying to run for the 2012 election. Whateveh.
1. Zombies DO live in graveyards.
|I can totally picture zombies in their dens.|
4. Zombies spread their 'curse' by eating people's brains and then that person becomes a zombie. (If the person's brains were sour and milk and sugar were unavailable, there might be a loophole but I'm still checking with my source on that one.) There are other theories, of course, like the one in the following clip (Haha. Bob Hope was priceless) (And yes, I managed to slam both political parties in the same blog.):
Most importantly, there are three ways to get zombies. (Get being the word that Cressy, er, my source, used.) (Really urgent information in case of zombie apocalyptic world issues.)
1. Slapping a zombie upside their head will often make them dizzy and then you can run away like a little bunny rabbit who just smoked a pipe full of crystal meth.
2. Zombies may be kicked. The preferred method of budding karate masters, the kick will instantaneously disembowel and deter any typical zombie. (But if you run into other types of zombies you will probably be eaten alive. You poor, sad, silly bastard.)
3. The least known and most fascinating method is to hypnotize a zombie. "Shut UP!" you say. "Completely true," I say. Carry that watch around that Grandpa left you instead of the $50,000 in cash that he left to the Old Soldier's Home and you might be able to save your ass from utter zombie annihilation.
P.S. The other day I went to see my daughter's last day at gymnastics where they show us everything they've learned. As I was sitting down I heard the instructor tell Cressy that, "Your mother doesn't make up all kinds of stories." And naturally I interrupted with, "What was that?" The instructor proceeded to tell me that Cressy was telling them that I made up stories and some other stuff that was clearly untrue (untrue to her skinny little emaciated butt). So I frowned my fiercest frown and said, "Actually, I do make up stories for a living and she isn't lying." Red faced, the little twat went on with the class. Making up stories is not a great living but it's a lot of fun. Probably better than teaching gymnastics to kids at the local rec center. And that's what you get for making assumptions. I hope a zombie gets her and her little skinny thighs, too. (But HIM just added that the zombie would starve to death on her insignificant, teensie weensie brain. Poor zombie.)