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Monday, June 27, 2011

The Origin of Zombies OR Why We Must Never Drive Past Graveyards at Night

So today we were driving along, my daughter and I, when we passed a graveyard and quite naturally the topic of zombies came up.  It's the kind of family that we have.  (You don't know what you're missing until you can speak on the assorted bizarre topics that my family can discuss ESPECIALLY with a 7 year old.  Godzilla, zombies, vampires, poison dart frogs, boy cooties, etc.)

Cressy informed me that my knowledge on zombies was sadly lacking.  She looked at me kind of like this.
No, she didn't really say that, but her expression said everything.
 Now I must sum it all up for the discerning reader.  Try to stay with me.  Zombie information is going to be disseminated.  Hopefully in a helpful fashion but probably not.  (You know in case we wake up tomorrow and zombies have taken over the world.  Wait.  Hasn't that already happened?  You recall the election of 2008?  Or I guess that was just me.)

First and most importantly, how to recognize a zombie.

 1.  I'm informed that all zombies have gray or white skin.

2.  Zombies have messy shirts.  All the blood and brain juice just pretty much make that shirt a nonstarter.  (Zombies have problems with job interviews and dating.)  And all that pink stuff on the zombie's shirt above is brain juice.  (Cressy's exact words, "Brain juice, Mommy.  Don't get it wrong."  There's probably a highly technical word for the same thing but I'm going with 'brain juice.')

3.  Zombies DO NOT wear shoes.  I don't know why.  Perhaps they didn't get the memo about the buy one get one free from Payless Shoe Stores.  Perhaps they have bunions.  It's a mystery.

4.  Zombies say, "Brains..." in a weird voice like they're hungry, or maybe because they're really GOP members who are trying to run for the 2012 election.  Whateveh.
Now for the real details that most people aren't really aware.

1.  Zombies DO live in graveyards.


What does this have to do with zombies living in graveyards?
Nothing but I felt compelled to taunt my sister's cat again.
(For those of you who don't read my blog regularly: bad readers. But do
go and read 'I Have NOT Yet Finished With My Sister's Cat OR How
I Continue to Taunt a Helpless (Hah!) Animal.')  (And no,
my sister's cat is not a zombie but it's still funny.)
2.  But Zombies have dens in graveyards.  I'm informed by my source that these dens are remarkably similar to the den under a large tree that the bunnies had in 'The Runaway Bunny.'  (For those of you without children and whose mommy's never read them books growing up, this is about a little boy bunny who dreams of running away from mommy bunny in various and exotic locales, but the moral of the story is that you can't ever really get away from mommy.  Story of our times.  Norman Bates learned it well.)

I can totally picture zombies in their dens.
 3. Zombies DO NOT like sour brains.  (The word 'sour' applies to literally everything my daughter does not like.  Broccoli, any green vegetable, mashed potatoes, anything she hasn't eaten before, and probably Justin Bieber.  So it's a pretty wide spread application.)  Zombies DO like milk and sugar on brains to make them not sour.  (So if we're invaded by zombies tomorrow, we can eliminate the supply of milk and sugar and zombies won't eat our brains.  Wow.  Problem solved.)

 4.  Zombies spread their 'curse' by eating people's brains and then that person becomes a zombie.  (If the person's brains were sour and milk and sugar were unavailable, there might be a loophole but I'm still checking with my source on that one.)  There are other theories, of course, like the one in the following clip (Haha.  Bob Hope was priceless)  (And yes, I managed to slam both political parties in the same blog.):


Most importantly, there are three ways to get zombies.  (Get being the word that Cressy, er, my source, used.) (Really urgent information in case of zombie apocalyptic world issues.)

1.  Slapping a zombie upside their head will often make them dizzy and then you can run away like a little bunny rabbit who just smoked a pipe full of crystal meth.

2.  Zombies may be kicked.  The preferred method of budding karate masters, the kick will instantaneously disembowel and deter any typical zombie.  (But if you run into other types of zombies you will probably be eaten alive.  You poor, sad, silly bastard.)

3.  The least known and most fascinating method is to hypnotize a zombie.  "Shut UP!" you say.  "Completely true," I say.  Carry that watch around that Grandpa left you instead of the $50,000 in cash that he left to the Old Soldier's Home and you might be able to save your ass from utter zombie annihilation.

There ya have it.  Everything everyone needs to know in a nutshell about the great zombie infestation.

P.S.  The other day I went to see my daughter's last day at gymnastics where they show us everything they've learned.  As I was sitting down I heard the instructor tell Cressy that, "Your mother doesn't make up all kinds of stories."  And naturally I interrupted with, "What was that?"  The instructor proceeded to tell me that Cressy was telling them that I made up stories and some other stuff that was clearly untrue (untrue to her skinny little emaciated butt).  So I frowned my fiercest frown and said, "Actually, I do make up stories for a living and she isn't lying."  Red faced, the little twat went on with the class.  Making up stories is not a great living but it's a lot of fun.  Probably better than teaching gymnastics to kids at the local rec center.  And that's what you get for making assumptions.  I hope a zombie gets her and her little skinny thighs, too. (But HIM just added that the zombie would starve to death on her insignificant, teensie weensie brain.  Poor zombie.)

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