Sunday, November 17, 2013

Bad Things Happen in Threes OR My Week from Hell

I was painting the den.  La de dah, dah, dah.  My daughter, Cressy, said, "Let's watch a movie."  Then when I got down to help her find the movie of her choice, The Corpse Bride (MY daughter, ya'll!!!) she said, "And let's eat popcorn."  So I went to put the popcorn in the microwave whilst the kid put the dvd in the dvd player.  Now I will explain that the whole movie dvd/cable box/television/wii U is in the den, where I was painting.  In fact, I had already painted my way around where that set up was located.  HIM, the man to whom I'm married, had put it back together in his typical OCD inspired manner using pink and blue ties and labeling each wire while spinning in a counter clockwise manner and wearing his lucky socks.  (I may be exaggerating.)
Oh I couldn't find a burned popcorn lol
but wth?
While I was waiting for the popcorn to pop, my daughter says, "It won't work."  So I trudged into the den and tried to figure out why the signal from the dvd player was not working.  It took me about eight tries to determine that none of the television channels were working.  It took me about ten seconds after that to realize that the microwave was no longer popping, but it was smoking.  (And not in a good, I-have-a-doobie way.)  I had put it on 4 minutes because the popcorn function button doesn't work, intending to stop it manually when the popping stopped.  (It's a good plan in theory when I actually followed through.)  However, I became distracted by the whole television- not-receiving-a-signal-from-the-dvd-player thing.
This didn't really work for me.
The kitchen was awash with smoke.  I have since determined that burnt popcorn smoke smells worse than my daughter's moron cat's poop.  I opened the windows.  I turned on the fans.  I turned on the exhaust fan.  I carried the still smoking popcorn through the house.  It turns out that while I was rushing to get the popcorn bag out of the house I held it upside down and the very hot oil dripped out onto the floor and onto the rug.  I have since determined that Berber rugs can be melted by hot oil.  Really.  I've got evidence.
When I buy another microwave that
doesn't smell like burned popcorn
I totally want a Chaos button.
My daughter took a moment to illuminate me on what she thought of the situation.  She said, "I guess we won't be eating that popcorn."  If Cressy wasn't nine years I would have suspected that she was being sarcastic.
You have to read the little yellow sticker.
I got my daughter to lock up her moron cat upstairs and opened all the doors and windows.  It was cold outside so pretty soon we were wrapped up in sweaters and fuzzy socks.  And the smoke slowly began to dissipate.

My daughter told me the other day she was going
to invent a time machine and I told her
to get a Delorean.
I put another bag of popcorn into the microwave and went back to check the cords on the back of the television and the dvd player.  While doing that I forgot the popcorn in the microwave...again.  At which time I should have just said, "Eff the popcorn.  We're eating carrot sticks."  I should have.

I did not but the third bag of popcorn was a go.  I told Cressy we would have to wait for HIM to come home so he could tell me why he didn't attach the dvd player and then chastise him roundly.  Cressy made herself happy watching Wild Grinders and Rabbids Invasion.  (You should check out the Rabbids.  They're twisted, just like me.)
Okay, this isn't funny to Little People.
HIM came home about a half hour later and was mildly alarmed that the front door was wide open.  His words were "Has anyone seen the cat?"  HIM was worried about the cat but not us.  (Now I truly know where I'm ranked in the household, except when I'm making some dish he really likes, and then I'm number one.)

And the microwave, although having been scrubbed no less than FIVE times, still smells like burnt popcorn.

I need a new microwave.  Pretty sure.

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday OR How It Doesn't Feel Like Sunday

I'm beginning to feel like weekends are my other job.  First, painting the den.  It needs two coats and a lot of cutting in.  People and animals just watch me because the den is the most used room in the house.  I can't do it all at once because it would kill my carpel tunnel, so it's maybe an hour a day.  Today, HIM, the man to whom I'm married, changed the light toggle switches.  It turns out that not all the switches in that room are connected to the same circuit breaker.  (Learned this the hard way and now I'm afraid to touch the switches without rubber gloves.)  (NEVER too old to learn new stuff.)
And because getting shocked is so much fun, I had to find a YouTube video, too.
It's so much better when it happens and you have a British accent.

So then I have to do the laundry.  Doing laundry sucks.

Then there's the leaf blowing.  It turns out that when you buy a house with a lot of trees, because it's got a lot of trees, because it's pretty, that a lot of trees give up a lot of leaves.  A HELLUVA LOT OF LEAVES!
I would totally rake leaves in a storm trooper outfit if I could find a storm trooper outfit that fit big girls.
I couldn't find a picture of a fat storm trooper.  But I did find Fat Batman, so it's almost as good.

What was I talking about?  Okay, electrocuted by a wall switch and raking leaves until I almost puked.
This is what you're really supposed to do with leaves in a pile.  (We've been blowing most of ours out into the woods out back.  It's really green if you think about it.  We're helping to make dirt.  Feeding the worms.  The worms feed the birds.  The birds do some other stuff, like poop seeds out which make trees and bushes.  The trees and bushes make oxygen.  We breath the oxygen.  See.  Totally green.  Fie upon the neighbors who put their stinking leaves into bags.)

Then there's blog writing.  Usually this is a lot of fun but when I'm out of ideas, I kind of hate it.  I look like this.

Yes, exactly like this.  Especially when someone disturbs me, which happens a lot in a house with everyone home.
Then there's this...
And let us not forget this...
Okay, I'm done.

Coming Soon - Bubba and the Curse of the Boogity-Boo. Available December 21st, 2018 It’s two weeks until Bubba’s wife, Willodean...