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Monday, August 10, 2015

Musing About Writing OR How I HAD to Comment on a Book I Read

This isn't what I was reading, but I had
to have something graphic for the first part.
Now I want
to read this book.  Girls Out of Hell.
Yeah.
Yes, I read.  I read a lot.  I have to stop reading certain genres when I'm writing.  For example, if I'm writing a mystery, I can't be reading mysteries because I tend to take on the writing style of what I'm reading.  (I found myself doing a distinctly Stephen King sentence last week while I was reading Mr. Mercedes.  Bad, bad, bad writer.)
She doesn't really look like an office hussy
to me.  She looks like she's waiting to
pass gas.
So I'm writing Death Twitches: A Lake People Novel, or the 4th Lake People novel, and I'm reading this, that, and the other.  I get one novel which is Space Opera: Mommy Porn.  (It was free or 99 cents, one or the other, and I felt like being amused, so I did it.  I admit it.)  I won't name the book or the author because I don't really want to embarrass the author, but I do want to comment on the author's entrepreneurial style.  I really, really, really want to comment.
Here's the set-up.  Aliens invade Earth, as they're wont to do.  Some other aliens save our Earthly asses, as they're wont to do.  But, in exchange for saving our tushes, they want our women.  So all the single ladies between reasonable ages have to sign up for a draft to be an alien bride.  (I can see it coming.)  Cue the first lady who gets drafted.  (I think the author missed out on the Uncle Sam posters that could be custom tailored for this.  Really, really missed out.)  She gets to go hang out with the big alien stud and if she can resist his alienly charms for a certain period then she gets to go back to Earth, without being hooked up and having to stay with the alien.  I think you all can get it.
What the hell?  Did they
fall in love over hammering spikes?
Was that a double entendre?
Maybe.
As a hack writer myself, I can appreciate a good set-up.  After all, I did happen to notice that the author has about sixteen of these alien/human puppies on Amazon, and they're not short books, mind you.  It's like a 160,000 words long, which is like two of my books, if I'm not being too wordy.  The author practices the give-away-the-first-one cheap method, as I do myself.  I'm not ashamed to say that I bought the next three before I gave up.
I went to a flag class with my
daughter for her Girl Scout troop.  The
instructor would be very
unhappy with this cover.
I think the author put together a selection of what was selling the most lately and incorporated them into her world-building.  If you threw out aliens, werebeasts, menage, and bdsm and said, "Fit that into a series," you might be scratching your butt.  But not this author.  Also she threw in that they're six foot six inches tall, have natural six packs, and they all have very large...appendages.  Of course they do.
I think someone was messing with
the covers ahead of me.
Furthermore, it turns out that the alien saviors come in different types, so that the author can cover all of the bases.  I shall elaborate because I would have a vein in my head explode if I didn't.  There's the savage ones who happen to have an issue with a knot in their penis when they mate.  They also emit a certain pheromone that makes the gals super happy, if you know what I mean.  Then there's the ones who are all toothy and like to suck blood when they're having sexy times, but don't make the mistake of calling them vampires.  There's also the twins.  They share a mate and get this, the mate needs a special fruit that makes them very elastic down in the nether region.  Guess why?  Well, the twins have wee wee's that fuse together and I think you can follow the drift.  Finally, (finally in my reading of four books out of the series) there's the bad alien type who is conditioned to really like Christian Grey, paddles, nipples, and all.

I love meme generators.  Pixar, this is parody so
please don't sue me.
Anyway, I pretty much gave up after that because the plots all went like this: Her: "I hate you."  Him or Hims as the case may be: "I lust for you."  Her: "Don't touch me.  Yes, touch me."  Him: "I want to touch you.  No, I can't touch you."  Her: "Yes, touch me."  Him: "I'll lick you."  Her: "Yes, yes, yes, Meg Ryan RULES!" Him: "No, I can't."  Her: "Yes, you can.  Thomas the Train says you can!"  Then finally, they do, and that's the end.
How could I not include this?
Redneck Scotsmen.
Their famous last words are,
"Aye, hold my kilt and watch
this."
I like a good romance book and I have to admire an author for throwing in everything but the kitchen sink and going for the gusto.  I'm not sure I could do this.  I've thought about writing more explicit romances, but I start wincing and giggling when I get into the whole cock, pussy, cunt, cum thing.  I feel compelled to mention that when the author actually called a woman's natural lubrication "cunt honey" I almost threw my Kindle into the garbage. 
I think I used this one before,
but I couldn't help myself.
Anyway, I think my IQ has dropped a few points.  I need to go read a dictionary.



Monday, July 13, 2015

10 Skeletons Found in Weird Places OR How Fat Woman Wrote an Article for a Blog and Got Rejected.

So I wrote an article for a blog and they rejected it.  (Kind of like in the title, except I feel forced to repeat myself.)  I hate to waste a nice little list, so here it is:

Talk about skeletons in the closet, so to speak.  A closet is about the only place that a skeleton isn’t located in this list, although the author was strongly tempted to Google it.  We often wonder how things happen, and sometimes we wonder how something ended up in an odd location.  Sometimes we even get answers.  When bones are discovered, it’s up to a detective or an investigator to figure out what happened.  This is complicated by the fact that when only bones are left it’s sometimes impossible to tell how the individual died.  It’s further convoluted by the fact that when the bones are discovered in a weird place, we’re left muttering, “What?”

10. Bones in IKEA Bags

Who knew that those big blue bags from IKEA are good for all kinds of objects?  There’s not a whole lot of mystery behind the discovery, but definite weirdness was involved.  Kicki Karlén, a woman in Sweden, discovered bags and bags of bones under a tarp in a Scandinavian church in 2014.  Apparently the Kläckeburga Church was refurbishing and repairing parts of its building years earlier and planned to re-inter the remains as soon as was possible.  They were estimated to be the remains of people buried at the church five hundred years earlier and the bones had been exhumed in order to renovate an area of the church.  Complications arose when the remains were not allowed to be removed from the immediate vicinity of the church by the church’s board.  However what happened was that they got moved into bags and forgotten. Consequently, they were discovered much later by Karlén in the iconic IKEA bags.  There was no comment from IKEA about the peculiar treatment of their storage bags.

Photo : Paul Nicklen/National Geographic
 

9.  Ancient Skeleton in an Underwater Cave
The scientists examining her remains named her “Naia” which is Greek for water nymph.  Nevertheless, there wasn’t any water there when the teenager went exploring in a cave in Mexico about 12,000 years ago.  The poor girl was looking for something unknown when she fell or was pushed into a chamber called “Hoyo Negro” or black hole.  She wasn’t the only one because the divers who explored the cave also found the skeletal remains of sloths, cave bears, and saber tooth tigers, as well.  One hopes they weren’t all in the cave at the same time.  The really interesting part about Naia is that scientists were able to take a look at her DNA and evaluate how she was related to other early Americans  Certainly being trapped in a hole was a bummer for Naia, but a boon to scientists in that they could compare her mitochondrial DNA (from her mother’s side) to the five other skeletal remains that are older than 12,000 years that exist today.  The indication is that early Americans did tromp over a land bridge from Asia into the Americans, but we still need to consider that evidence is scarce at this point.  We’re not sure if Naia would have been glad to help or not.



8. Skeletons in a Lake
Going to the lake takes a whole new meaning for some people.  2013 was the year for discovering skeletons in lakes.  The highway patrol of Oklahoma decided to try out some new sonar equipment that year.  They discovered some cars at the bottom of Foss Lake, Oklahoma.  This isn’t apparently unusual for cars to be found at the bottom of a lake, but when the two vehicles were pulled out, it was unusual to find the skeletal remains inside.  Six sets of remains were in a 1950s Chevy and a 1969 Chevrolet Camaro (which seems like a waste of a classic muscle car to the author).  It turns out that three people went missing in 1970.  Jimmy Williams, 16, Leah Johnson, 18, and Michael Rios, 18, took off in a car, and vanished.  The disappearance of the three was well publicized and it was even theorized that the three ran away to start a new life.  However, it’s only a guess that they went to the lake instead and accidentally crashed into it.  The other vehicle is connected to the disappearance of three people from nearby Canute, Oklahoma. Their disappearance was far less publicized.  In 2014, DNA was used to identify one of the skeletons from the second Chevy as Clayburn Hammock.  The other two were tentatively identified as Nora Duncan and Alvie Porter.  The three went missing in 1969, just months before the three teenagers.  It certainly is ironic that both cars ended up just yards apart at the bottom of Foss Lake.  The six deaths were ruled accidental, possibly after the cars took a curve too quickly and ended up in the water.
 
7.  Another Lake Finally Gives up the Ghost, er, Skeleton
A couple named Russell and Blanch Warren vanished in 1929 near Lake Crescent in Olympic National Park in Washington State.  They left behind two children who died before the mystery was resolved.  Divers discovered the remains of their 1927 Chevrolet in about 170 feet of water. The couple were never seen again after Russell Warren picked up his wife, Blanch, from the nearby Port Angeles Hospital, and then picked up a new washing machine.  It was speculated that the driver of the vehicle missed a turn and went into the lake.  Searches were performed but found little.  Skip forward to 2002, when a Park Service Dive Team found the wreckage of the Chevy deep in the lake.  Two years later, a recreational diver named John Rawlings discovered some bones farther down a slope from the Warren’s car. The bones were identified as Russell Warren’s remains by DNA analysis.  Alas, Blanch’s remains were not located.  However, the Warren’s wreck site is a popular dive site for experienced divers and one never knows when a skeleton might tumble out of a proverbial closet, or lake as the case may be.
 
6. A Movie Spills the Bones, er, Beans
Poltergeist came out in 1982 and certainly was the kind of movie to make a person sleep with the lights on and the television off, if not out of the room.  The movie made a mint and soon enough a sequel was made.  Poltergeist II didn’t make the same kind of dough as the first one but it tried its best.  Rumors swirled about the first movie but it wasn’t until 2009 that one of the stars of both movies, Jo Beth Williams, revealed that the skeletons the props department used were real.  It turned out that it was cheaper to use real skeletons instead of fake ones.  The stars of the movie were so creeped out that Will Sampson, one of the actors in the movie, as well, did a blessing on the spot.  Apparently the Native American actor performed a sort of “exorcism” and there were no further problems.
5.  It’s Good to be the King, Until They Forget Where You’re Buried
One would think a former king of England would be hard to lose, but Richard III, who ruled from 1483 to 1485, went missing over the passage of time.  He might not have ruled for very long, but Shakespeare cemented the monarch’s shady reputation with the play of the same name.  One of his most major transgressions was that he stole the crown from one of his two royal nephews and then had the two boys murdered.  Of course, there’s a lot of debate about how bad Richard III really was or wasn’t.  In the meantime, he died in battle, the last English king to do so, and was buried.  Rumors abounded about whether he was really buried at Leicester at the church of the Gray Friars.  He might have been dug up and his bones thrown in a river or some other unsavory location.  Eventually a local university got curious and started digging.  After much research, the University of Leicester’s archeologists decided on a parking lot as a possible site.  When they found medieval windows and then bones, they’d struck archeological gold.  One of the skeletons had evidence of war wounds and scoliosis of the spine, which Richard III reputedly possessed.  Through a bunch more work with DNA analysis, it was confirmed that it was Richard III’s bones.  However, the extensive analysis of the DNA has revealed possible adultery in the descending lines.  The lines through the mitochondrial descendants is consistent.  (That’s the girl side.)  Matching up the boy side is a little trickier, but that’s a case for scientists to solve.  In the meantime, one never knows what we’ll find when we dig up a parking lot.
 
4.  Sometimes the Skeleton Can be in a Chimney
Not all the bones in this list were found in a lake, or even under a parking lot, or even human, for that matter.  In 2014, a man named David Martin in Bletchingly, Surrey, Great Britain was renovating his fireplace when he started finding bones.  The bones he discovered weren’t human, but that of a carrier pigeon.  Even more interesting was that he found a leg with a tiny red capsule attached to it.  Inside the red capsule was an encrypted message dating from WWII.  Thus far the code has not been decrypted, but the message came from a Sergeant Stott and was written 71 years ago.  It’s theorized that the bird got tired and landed on Martin’s chimney, only to die before completing its mission.  We don’t know what the message was, but odds are that it was something important.

3. It Wasn’t Really Santa, Was it?
Another renovation in Abbeville, Louisiana revealed something out of the ordinary.  In 2011, contractors were working on the second floor of the Abbeville National Bank when one removed a metal shield and discovered some bones lodged just above the flue of the chimney.  Police work and DNA revealed that the skeletal remains were that of a man named Joseph Schexnider, who vanished in 1984.  Schexnider had been a member of the National Guard and a part time worker in the circus when he disappeared. His bones were apparently stuck in the fireplace.  No trauma of the bones was identified, so the police there don’t really know why Schexnider ended up in the chimney.  Even Schexnider’s own mother didn’t know why he was there.  When her son disappeared in the eighties she assumed he had gone off as he had before.  Luckily for the police Schexnider happened to have a wallet, a lighter, a pair of gloves, and a watch with him giving them a heads up on identification. 
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Skeleton_diag.png

2.  Skeleton in a Barn

Earlier this year, a LeFlore County, Oklahoma family found a skeleton in a rotting coffin in their barn.  Interestingly enough the skeleton is over a hundred years old, and may be linked to an “odd” organization, The Independent Order of Odd Fellows.  The order is a fraternal one that concentrates on charitable works and still has membership to this date.  The previous owner of the property, Pete Butler, said that there were originally two sets.  The skeletons once belonged to the order and were used in initiation ceremonies.  He gained possession of them in the sixties and put them in the barn.  One got loaned out for a Halloween prank and never was returned.  The other remained in the barn until rediscovered by the Priddy family who had purchased the property.  The LeFlore County Sheriff’s Office is hunting down the second skeleton for burial.  Apparently, it’s not illegal to own a real skeleton, although it certainly can be considered “odd.”
http://www.scuba.com/diving-photos/2887/gotta-kiss-the-skeleton-cedar-hill-wiarton-Ontario
1. Skeleton in a Scuba Suit
In 2007, a recreational diver was out for a deep diving jaunt in Commencement Bay, Washington when he came across another diver.  The problem was that the other diver was only a skull and bones inside a scuba suit.  The suit with skeleton inside was 200 feet down and complete with tank and weights for diving.  The diver reported the find to the police and an underwater robot was sent to retrieve the remains.  Despite having records of missing divers in the area, the local police have been thus far, unable to identify the poor individual.  Anyone missing a scuba diver?
And...
Photograph by La Paz County Sheriff's Department
 
 
Honorable mention
A snorkeler first reported the two skeletons in lawn chairs in the Colorado River near Cienaga Springs, Arizona in May of 2015.  The La Paz County Sheriff’s Department and the Buckskin Fire Department sent a diver down with a video camera to see what he could see.  What he could see was that it was two plastic skeletons with sunglasses, sitting in lawn chairs, having an underwater picnic.  No murder scene and strange serial killer disposal site there.  Although somewhat disconcerting, the underwater picnic isn’t really illegal and the skeletons got to stay there.  No word has been forthcoming on the creator of the tableau.
And that's about all the bones a fat woman could dig up, folks.
 
 
 

 
 
 


 
 


Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Iron Moon: A Cat Clan Novella is Out!

Iron Moon: A Cat Clan Novella is now available!

Lena is a werecat from the Los Angeles Clan and is on the trail of Martinez, an evil shifter responsible for the kidnappings and deaths of other weres.  Lena travels a precarious path through the shadow realms of South America as she searches to bring Martinez to justice.  Yves, a wolf shifter, is also on the trail of something equally important.  The elusive scent of his mate has brought him to Peru, just in time to see Lena taken away into a dark pit of a world where females are a commodity and no one is really safe.  Together they will face their burgeoning attraction and the untold dangers of Ukhu Pacha, the underworld of ancient Inca gods.

A novella of about 36,000 words.
 
 


Sunday, June 7, 2015

Blogging on Cold Meds OR How I Should Hide in a Closet While I'm Sick

Sick again.  Sinusitis for those of you who have to know.  The actual definition for sinusitis is: Your entire face feels like it will simultaneously blow up and fall off and implode all at the same time plus lots of mucus.
Therefore...wait for it...I decided to voluntarily go to the doctor.  Since it's Sunday, it's urgent care for me.  Whee.  That should be a song.  Sing it, baby.  It's urgent care for me.  It's where I want to be.  It's the only one for me.  Me and the doctor, so happy together.  (They've been playing Happy Together in some commercial a lot and it's really stuck in my brain but good.  Yeah, baby, the Turtles, back in the sixties.  God, I'm old.)

Okay, I know I have a sinus infection.  I tell the nurse that.  I tell the doctor that.  But here comes the problem.  Before I can list my symptoms, the doctor wants to make a commentary on The Walking Dead shirt I'm wearing.  In other words, the doctor has just decided to tell me what he thinks of people who like to watch, quoting here, "Those zombie shows."  Although I'm sick, running a fever, and my head feels like it's just going to fall off while I'm sitting on the examination table, I'm still polite enough to not say anything.  Also it occurs to me that the doctor from the urgent care center thinks that all his patients are morons.  Dr. Don'tgiveashizz says, "It's my theory that people who watch zombie shows are able to get into that violence and gore through the show."  Let me explain this.  Dr. Don't thinks that I'm secretly into violence and gore AND I'm too stupid to realize what he's just implied about me.
 I want to say, "Shut up and give me a script for antibiotics."  Instead I say, "The Walking Dead isn't about violence and gore."  Dr. Don't gives me the high eyebrow raise which I take to mean, "Shut the front door."  It's then that I realize that this poor man has never watched The Walking Dead, and has probably never seen any zombie movie, ever.  We should feel sorry for this poor, stupid bastard.
Well, then Dr. Don't moves along to the sinusitis part of the equation.  He wants to know if I'm diabetic because I take meds for pre-diabetes.  Once this has been confirmed/denied, he plows into the obligatory WEIGHT issue.  Dr. Don't says, "Have you tried to lose weight?"

I

HATE

DOCTORS.

I hate doctors.  I hate doctors.  I hate doctors.  I...HATE...DOCTORS.  I hate doctors.

Dr. Don't has instantly transformed himself into Dr. Dumbass in my head.  He proceeds to make it worse by saying, "You should try eating on smaller plates."  My first instinct was act stupid, pour on the redneck accent, and say, "Smaller plates.  Gall dang.  I ain't never thought of that.  You've saved me, Oh Mystical Doctor of Epic Proportion (this part wanders out of the poor yokel response, but the hell with it), you and this wondrous Urgent Care Center.  Kin I get that antibiotic now?"

But I didn't say that.  What I said was, "Oh, I don't know, you can fit a whole lot of food on a small plate."

Then Dr. Dumbass looked just like this:
He had perceived the irony, and was obligated to make a I-just-ate-a-sour-lemon look of disapproval because I must be put in my place.

Anyway, sinus infection it is.  Dr. Dumbass sent a nurse in to give me a shot in the ass, just because I said that about small plates.  (Well, that's what I think.)
And I swear I got the sinus infection germs from the collision place where I went last went to look at our wrecked car.  (Yes, our new car, only five weeks in our driveway, was rear ended by not one, but two morons who couldn't stop on a clear day with no turns in the road.  These are morons, by the way, who would probably believe Dr. Dumbass about the small plates and The Walking Dead.  That's a blog in progress since I'm still ranting about, er, discussing doctors and sinus infections.)
I love Gary Cole.  Do you think people come up to him
in the street and do Office Space impersonations?
Probably.  I'm sure he's sick of it.
The best news of all is that Dr. Dumbass did prescribe enough drugs that I feel well enough to blog.  I should probably cut him a break.  Probably.  I'd have to find a small plate to put it on, though.

Bwahaha.  Off to see how many pain pills I can morally take today.  Maybe they have small plates for small pills, or was that too much?