Monday, December 17, 2018

Coming Soon - Bubba and the Curse of the Boogity-Boo.
Available December 21st, 2018

It’s two weeks until Bubba’s wife, Willodean, is due to have their baby, the moon may or may not be full, his mother, Miz Demetrice, is up to her old tricks, some movie people are in town making a film about an old and eerie legend of the Boogity-Boo, and Bubba can’t find the right kind of ice cream for his pernickety significant other.  Bubba is plain ol’ worried sick about Willodean and the impending birth.  It’s so much so that when the film director asks for help with a little mystery, Willodean makes Bubba go to get his mind off his fears.  At the secluded and creepy film set on Foggy Mountain, there’s a furtive Bigfoot-like creature meandering about and scaring the crew off, so what’s a good ol’ boy to do?  Why, he’s there to kick some tushie all the way to Tuscaloosa and chew bubblegum, and he’s fresh out of bubblegum.

Book Nine of the Bubba Mystery series.

Thursday, November 9, 2017

For all the Bubba fans:

Most of the Bubba novels are now available on Audible or Audible on Amazon for those of you who love your Bubba fix and believe me, these novels make for some great listening!  Two wonderful narrators have brought the Bubba series to life.  Michael Gilboe narrates Bubba and the Dead Woman and Bubba and the 12 Deadly Days of Christmas.  Michael is a playwright, director, musician, composer, teacher, and producer. He is currently heading the Performing Arts Department at the University of Great Falls where he teaches music and theatre.  Mike Alger narrates Bubba and the Missing Woman, Bubba and the Mysterious Murder Note, Bubba and the Zigzaggery Zombies, Bubba and the Ten Little Loonies, and Bubba and the Wacky Wedding Wickedness.  Mike is one of the most popular and recognizable faces on television sets in Nevada and California; Mike is the Chief Meteorologist for KTVN-TV Channel 2 (CBS) in Reno, Nevada. The award-winning weatherman is a holder of the American Meteorological Society’s Broadcast Seal of Approval. He is happily married with two children.  Finally, Bubba and the Curious Cadaver will be available in Audible and Audible on Amazon in early 2018.  Links to the vendors follow the novels.

Bubba and the Dead Woman Audible Amazon

Bubba and the 12 Deadly Days of Christmas Audible Amazon

Bubba and the Missing Woman Audible Amazon

Bubba and the Mysterious Murder Note Audible Amazon

Bubba and the Zigzaggery Zombies Audible Amazon

Bubba and the Ten Little Loonies Audible Amazon

Bubba and the Wacky Wedding Wickedness Audible Amazon


Friday, August 25, 2017

Bubba and the Curious Cadaver Now Available!

Bubba and the Curious Cadaver (Bubba Mysteries #8)

What does a gentlemen’s club, mysterious men in black, a dead body, a broken down car with a lady in dire need, a heavily pregnant beauteous sheriff’s deputy, and Miz Demetrice trying to unionize exotic dancers have in common?  Why, it’s Bubba Snoddy and the day things went south, yet again.  Quite naturally, or unnaturally, there’s a humdinger of a mystery again, and Bubba is right in the middle of it.

Friday, February 17, 2017

Now on Sale!

On one day everything was normal.  The next morning billions of people had vanished, and new magical creatures had appeared, altering not only the Earth but everyone who woke up on that one day.  Lulu survived the change, only to encounter far worse situations than she’d ever known before.  Two years after a sea of dreams transformed everything, Lulu searches for “tech bubbles,” places where technology is still operational, and consequently useful to the survivors.  What she discovers is that not all weapons from the past are nonfunctioning, and that the past is never truly dead.  She will fight to save the new world and everyone she’s come to love.

Discovering her own powers, Lulu is on a frantic journey to recover items that will shut down a doomsday device.  Nothing will ever be as easy as snapping one’s fingers as she encounters new animals, new people on a weird purple world, and who her enemies really are.

Ruins of Dreams is the fourth novel in the Dreams series.  The order is Sea of Dreams, Mountains of Dreams, Forests of Dreams, and Ruins of Dreams.


Friday, February 3, 2017

The Fat Woman and the Teenager OR How my Teeth are Grinding

How many times has it been said that one should beware the teenager?  How I admire the middle school and high school teachers for their ability to deal with this elusively recalcitrant creature of yore.  I always thought that no, it could never happen to me.  Then it did.

HIM, the man to I am married for over three decades, and I had a child late in life, so we both thought we were prepared.  However, I hadn't experienced that noise IT, the child who will be an official teenager in March, makes when it's listening to me and I'm saying something it doesn't want to hear.  The sound: a kind of sigh that is long-suffering, condescending, and sardonic, all at the same time.  I bet you know that sigh.  To be perfectly frank I probably did the same exact sigh when I was that age.  Somewhere my mother is laughing in her grave.  (That laugh from the characters on The Simpsons.  Haha!)


I got the sigh this morning.  Why?  I think it was simply because I said good morning.  Then it dawned on me that I probably asked for this, in the greater scheme of things.  I tempted karma by saying my kid was different.  My kid is not like the other kids.  My kid won't be like that stereotypical teenager.  Haha!

Actually I think the kid is an emerging emo.  She wants to wear all black now.  Except for jeans.  Blue jeans, everything else black.  I tried getting into it with her.  ("How about that black shirt?  That would look good on you."  This generally results in me getting one of those sighs.)

No, I don't think she's stupid, but I wonder how stupid she thinks I am.  For example, she'll start explaining something to me like she was talking to a two-year-old.  ("First, Mother, you wipe your ass with toilet paper...")

And that sigh.  I want to put ear muffs on before she does it because I think my blood pressure shoots up ten degrees after I hear it.  All that drama.  Dram-ah.

That's about it.  She's not even officially thirteen, and I'm counting the time down until she's twenty.  I think I'm hosed.

Friday, January 27, 2017

Now Available The Bubba Mysteries Novels Collection

The Bubba Mysteries Novels Collection

Previously published as Bubba and the Dead Woman, Bubba and the 12 Deadly Days of Christmas, Bubba and the Missing Woman, Brownie and the Dame, Bubba and the Mysterious Murder Note, The Ransom of Brownie, Bubba and the Zigzaggery Zombies, and Bubba and the Ten Little Loonies.

Come join Bubba in rural Texas where the murders are fresh and the crazy sauce is brimming to the top!

Six novels and two novellas at a fantastic price!
Over 550,000 words of pure-D Texan hilarity!

Saturday, October 8, 2016

Now Available: Forests of Dreams

Forests of Dreams (Dreams #3)

On one day everything was normal.  The next morning billions of people had vanished, and new magical creatures had appeared, altering not only the Earth but everyone who woke up on that one day.  Lulu survived the change, only to encounter far worse situations than she’d ever known before.  Two years after a sea of dreams transformed everything, Lulu searches for “tech bubbles,” places where technology is still operational, and consequently useful to the survivors.  What she discovers is that not all weapons from the past are nonfunctioning, and that the past is never truly dead.  She will fight to save the new world and everyone she’s come to love.

Book 3 of the Dreams novels.  Book 1 is Sea of Dreams.  Book 2 is Mountains of Dreams.

Available on iTunes.


Monday, September 26, 2016

Dichotomy of an Election

I remember the first time I voted in a Presidential election.  I voted for Reagan.  I don't remember why I voted for Reagan, probably because he once worked with a chimpanzee.  Then I think I voted for Bush.  Then Bush again.  Or maybe it was Ross Perot.  (Who, for all of you neophytes, was Trump before Trump was Trump.)
Then I don't remember exactly because the whole 90s and early 2000s were a blur.
Every time there's a Presidential election year, things have a massive tendency to go sideways.  Mudslinging happens.  Mudslinging on crack happens.  Things are said that most people would never dream about saying.
And there's this year.  This year is a state of utter confusion confounded by idiocy and the inability for people to stop for a moment and take a good look around them.
I mean, what the hell happened?
I suppose I could say something about the obvious villain: the Electoral College, but would that do me any good?  I think not.
So without further ado, unless ado is running for President 2016, which if we want to go with puns, it's true, two doos are running.  There were other doos to be sure, but they dropped out.

Monday, July 18, 2016

The Fat Woman Continues the D OR How I Felt Like a Criminal in the Misses Section at Walmart

Warning: Fat Woman will talk about...dieting...AGAIN!  Ranting may be involved.  Plus diet memes.  Lots of diet memes.  If diet memes offend you, this is your big opportunity to click on the x in the upper right hand corner.  Don't say I didn't warn ya!

So I'm on month four of the lifestyle change.  (MONTH FOUR!  Four months.  Sixteen weeks.  112 days.  2,688 hours.  161,280 minutes.  Yes.  I've been thinking about this a lot.)  I've plateaued like four times and each time is worse than the last.  Currently I've lost a total of 37 pounds.  I eat 1000 to 1100 calories a day and I exercise six times a week.  I hate that I've stopped losing weight.  If I weren't going to go to the doctor next month I would be screaming "WHY!  Why am I not losing weight?"  I've looked up all kinds of answers.  I'm not cheating on food portions.  I might not be sleeping enough.  I might not be getting enough vitamin D.  I might have some issues with hormones.

All things I need to take up with the M.D.  Plus he hasn't seen me for 37 pounds and I expect some kind of doctorly happiness over my weight loss.

I want the guy to be enthusiastic, dammit.  I want him to do a cheerleading routine on my weight loss!  I want him to run out into the hallway and scream out that I'm the best patient, ever!  Am I going to be disappointed?  Probably.

So this last week I went to get a new pair of pants.  Why?  All my other pairs of jeans are sliding down my ass which isn't a style choice I like to go with.

Although I did some sewing to save myself a little money and also to use the old jeans as working-in-the-garden jeans, even those are too baggy, so they went up on the shelf in the closet because I can't quite bring myself to throw them away...yet.

Therefore I'm in Walmart.  Why am I in Walmart?  Because Walmart is where I usually buy my fat jeans.  You can see my mindset hasn't yet moved into the proper zone.  I literally went to Walmart to buy my fat jeans because it hadn't sunk in that I didn't need to buy fat jeans again.  (Duh moment approaching.)  Without hesitation I went to the fat women's section.  (They call it the women's section because calling it the fat section might not be PC.)  I'm standing there like a doofus because I can't find a size 14.

Yes, I am truly confused.  I look.  I look again.  I look a third time, and then I had to scratch my head.  I think if I was MacGyver, I would have found it.  In fact, I would have used a Swiss Army knife to make a new pair for myself out of old ones.

Then it dawns on me.

I'm in the wrong section.  I was IN THE WRONG FRICKIN' SECTION.  So I surreptitiously slide on over to the misses section.  I expect someone will yell at me like Donald Sutherland in Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

I mean, I'm looking around expecting someone to look at me and ask, "What are you doing here?"  But they don't and I'm all like, "Hey, this must be a meaningful moment."

I went to the US Space & Rocket Center to see my daughter graduate from Space Camp the very next day, and my husband who I was meeting there, did not recognize me when he was looking for me.  So it's another meaningful moment.
I may be plateaued, but it doesn't mean it's necessarily a bad thing.
Fat Woman out.

Thursday, April 21, 2016

More Thoughts About the "D" Word OR How Fat Woman Deals With the "D" Word in a Snarky Fashion

So the "D" word news is old.  I've been put on a good food timeout.  I've lost 20 pounds and no one has said anything which is a little depressing, but I have to be realistic.  Regardless, I have to look at nutrition labels everywhere I go.  If I'm really bored I look at how many calories are in the fast food items I can't even touch.  (1/3 Lb. Mushroom and Swiss Thickburger from Hardees's, which has 650 calories in it.  Their 1/3 Lb. Frisco Thickburger has 930 calories.  I couldn't even eat a 1/3 of that in my present plan.)  I worry about sounding like Reformed Diet Fiend.  "Hey, person I don't know," I say to a random stranger in a fast food place, "did you know that has 930 calories in it?  Hey, where ya going?"  Previously I complained about HIM, the man to whom I'm married, and how's he's lost 25 pounds and he's got all kinds of people saying stuff to him.  (Showoff.)

Therefore I haz some shizz to say about what I've learned in the last five weeks.

Anyway, it turns out that if you substitute turkey for some of the meats you can get more bang for your buck.  However, the bang doesn't exactly taste right.  Example: Jenni-O turkey hot dogs.  These aren't actually bad.  They have about 70 calories per dog and they don't taste exactly wrong.  If you put a crapload of mustard on them, you're golden.  (No pun intended.)
It was hot and it was technically a dog, so yes, it was.
The turkey hot dog was our first foray into the wide world of turkey biproducts.
I know this really doesn't have anything to do with the blog, but
I never would have thought to do this with a coffee pot.
Having partially succeeded with the turkey hot dog, we went for the turkey burger.  I believe our reasoning was something along the lines of "But the turkey hot dog wasn't bad."  These turkey burgers are also Jenni-O's, and they're preformed patties that you fry up and supposedly eat like a regular burger.  I ate the first one okay.  I added a towering pile of sautéed mushrooms and onions, baby, and more mustard.  (I'll whisper a little dietary secret about mustard.  The bottle says it has 0 calories.  0, 0, 0, which is good for me.  Someone's probably going so say something about sodium, but I've got a trade-off here, and I'm going with 0 calories.  0!)  (Also mushrooms and onions are like, retroactive calorie foods.  It takes you more calories to prepare them than they contain, and no, I didn't use butter or oil to sauté them.)  HIM liked the turkey burger so much we made it the next day.  But then my stomach said, "Oh, hell no," and I couldn't finish it, probably because it suddenly had the consistency and smell of fried Alpo.  (I never fried dog food, but I had to try some dry dog food kibble when I was about ten because if my dog was eating it then I should too.  Anyone who was a kid with a dog has done this, don't deny it.)
Do you think this woman looks at memes of herself all day long?
And surprisingly there were more memes about turkey burgers than I would have imagined, which meant I have to post them in my blog because...because...the memes have 0 calories, too.  0!
So this guy finally retired.  They sent his
character into space in the commercial.  How degrading.
I bet they didn't send Dos XX's with him.
"In space, no one can hear you scream because there is no beer."
So turkey hot dogs = okay.  Turkey burgers = only when you're starving to death, on a desert island, without any coconuts, and Tom Hanks is unavailable for backup.  (Which sometimes I feel like I am starving to death, but then I think I could eat a turkey burger.  Then I think, "I'm not really starving to death.")
And I got distracted again.  This guy is from Turkey, and I don't
know why it's supposed to be funny, but I liked it anyway.
Next up on the turkey byproduct list was Jenni-O's attempt at a sweet Italian turkey sausage.  (Think a turkey version of a brat.)  (Somewhere there's an underground guerilla group of turkeys who are planning to bomb Jenni-O factories.)
Distracted again.  I would say it was the diet, but it's probably just me.
Then we tried Jimmy Dean turkey breakfast sausages.  You can hear me squealing in the meat aisle when I read on the back that it's 100 calories per serving and one serving includes two sausages.  Two.  (Those people at the supermarket don't like it when I squeal.  I'm not sure what they think is going to happen but it can't be pretty.)
I couldn't find a turkey sausage meme.
Would you look at that picture?
Seriously, who eats kiwi and blueberries at
brekky?  By the way, the diet Nazi in me sez
this is actually showing 1 1/2 servings of turkey
sausage patties, so it's slightly misleading.
Despite the lack of memes in the breakfast turkey sausage arena, the sausages aren't bad.  They only mildly taste like dog food.  (HIM adds Siracha sauce liberally.  I mean he drowns the poor little sausage-y bastards in it, but he also has to add the calories to his app.)  (I suppose if I put cheese on it, slapped some mayo on it, added a fried egg, on top of a toasted English muffin it wouldn't be so bad, but then I couldn't eat anything else during the day, which would suck about 4 PM, whereupon I would likely strangle everyone in the house.  Maybe the neighbors, too.)

So I went looking for recipes and found one for meatloaf.  I decided that I would attempt to make a lower calories version of meatloaf using lean ground beef and lean ground turkey.  Believe me when I say that I added the normal amount of onions to the recipe and then I doubled it because I knew if I didn't it would taste more like dog food again.
I went looking for turkey meatloaf memes and I couldn't find any,
but I did find this picture that someone did for their recipe, so I
will now make fun of it by saying it looks like
a turkey meatloaf fruitcake.
That just made me gag.
My turkey meatloaf wasn't terrible, but it wasn't my regular yummy meatloaf.
So someone got really bored with their turkey meatloaf and
threw boiled eggs in it.  I did not do this with mine.  Maybe
next time.
And I continued to look for memes to amuse myself.
I yam amused.  Also I have no yams.
More meatloafy memes.
I thought I was perverse.  Someone actually
took the time to make a baby meatloaf with
bacon diapers.  This looks uber gross.  I
wish they posted the after it was cooked part.
Finally the Dos XX's guy again.
This has to do with Meatloaf, but not meatloaf.
Get it?  Also, he probably won't have meatloaf
in space, unless it's the freeze dried kind,
which is probably worse than the turkey meatloaf fruitcake.
Anyway, tomorrow we're trying a different type of turkey sausage.  (Think kind of Hillshire Farms smoked sausage except with turkey.)  I don't know.  I hope it doesn't taste like Alpo.

Fat Woman (who might have to rename her blog) out.

Coming Soon - Bubba and the Curse of the Boogity-Boo. Available December 21st, 2018 It’s two weeks until Bubba’s wife, Willodean...