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Wednesday, March 16, 2011

SUPER Deodorant Power! or How Advertising Has Attained the Level of Ludicrosity

So one day while grocery shopping HIM, to whom I am married, announced he needs a new deodorant.  I was unimpressed.  I believe my actual response was, "Whateveh."  HIM went on a determined mission to find a deodorant that did not fail at six hours and counting.  HIM's words, "I can smell myself."  I can only assume that means a bad thing.  ("I do not smell like flowers and a gentle wafting summer breeze.  I smell like man sweat and man issues and maybe rancid toe cheese.  Not good.")  HIM had been using Old Spice and not because of the commercials featuring the cute guy with the great voice who magically changes from situation to situation while pumping OLD SPICE as the greatest man invention ever.  I'm going to YouTube to check out the commercial so I can be re-impressed with his promotion of a man anti-sweat item.  I'm feeling compelled to insert a link:


Yes, HIM was using Old Spice before this guy ever came along.  (What does the commercial have to do with this blog, you ask in a condescending manner.  Nothing, but I like the commercial and I learned how to add the video to the blog so I said, "WTH!")  However, Old Spice wasn't doing the job, so off HIM went in search of the new, improved DO for his BO.  HIM was serious.  HIM was intent on getting the big guns.  So HIM came back with this:
Curious as to what HIM selected to overcome his mansweat I looked at this product and immediately giggled.  I've got comments!  Lots of comments!  I'm so full of comments that I could bust!  Oh, where shall I begin?  I might tinkle because I can't decide.

Anyway, at the top.  It's new.  No, it's NEW.  No, NEW.  And more importantly, it's The Official Deodorant of the NBA.  (My deodorant is The Official Deodorant of Sarcastic People Everywhere.  Not only does it refresh, it protects when people don't laugh at your sly, yet subtly ingratiating humor.  Also it smells like fresh petunias and Bubblicious Bubble Gum, Gonzo Grape flavored.)  I know that when I'm selecting a deodorant it's terribly important that it should be The Official Deodorant of Somedamnbody because I'm too insecure to have one that simply does what it's supposed to do.  (MY idea for a deodorant: BO Blaster!  It shitcans your BO or your money back!  And you'll smell damn great!  Holy CARP!)  (I feel that I should mention that I bought diaper rash cream ONLY because it was called, 'Boudreaux's Butt Paste Diaper Rash Ointment.'  It comes in a 1 lb container, too.  But how can you go wrong with Boudreaux's Butt Paste Diaper Rash Ointment and in a 1 lb container, too?  It's all self contained in the title.  Hey, it worked and our daughter never had another bad diaper rash after that.)

So now onto the title.  Right Guard followed by Total Defense Power Gel 5.  Since I have an advanced degree in psychology and counseling, I get to say that the excessive title suggests that the person who suggested it suffers from a state of inadequacy.  TOTAL DEFENSE POWER GEL 5.  I mean, Total Defense.  Power Gel.  And let's add a 5, because it can't be Total Defense Power Gel 1 or Total Defense Power Gel 2.  No, it's TOTAL DEFENSE POWER GEL 5.  Hmm.  now let's add the 5 reasons.  1.  Blocks sweat.  (Duh, it's a deodorant.) 2. Responds fast.  (What, in a minute, an hour, what?) 3. Targets bacteria.  (What?  I thought it was supposed to target sweat.  What was I thinking?)  4.  Neutralizes odor.  (What the hell does that mean?  Does it zap it with a ray gun?)  5.  Protects 48 hours.  (This part was followed with a little asterisk that I suspect leads to a qualifier of something like, 'Only protects for 48 hours when you're in the Antarctic, sitting on your ass, with a fan blowing on you, and a case of cold Bud next to you.  For everyone else, well, who the hell knows.  And see it even says, 'Arctic Refresh' on the label.  It's a hint and a half for your ass.)  (And look there's another asterisk next to Arctic Refresh on the label, yet nowhere can I find the part where it says what the qualifier is.  Arctic Refresh * (* Arctic Refresh refers to the freshness of folks who are Aleutian Islanders, Inuits, and peoples dumb enough to live on icy locales and who really don't need deodorant because they don't really sweat there.))

So I managed to cover the front of the deodorant.  Now for the back:

No, that's not really the back of the deodorant.  That's my daughter, making happy time with a pumpkin she called Pumpy. I just wanted to see if anyone was paying attention.

Really, here's the back:

And there's the asterisk explanation for no. 5. Protects 48 hours from odor. 24 hours for wetness.  I don't even want to ponder HOW they tested for that.  (I'm sure it was disgusting.  Somewhere, someone is filing their taxes and filling in the occupation of 'underarm sniffer.'  Do we really want to go back to the part about The Official Deodorant of the NBA and how it was actually determined that it was The Official ONE?  Some poor bastard had to smell armpits, and not any old armpits, but sweaty, nasty, dripping armpits of hairy basketball players who had just played an entire game.  That's right.  I hope that guy got paid a lot because he deserved it.)

So the back is not as funny as the front with the two following exceptions.  Under the section directions, it says, and I'm quoting for comedic clarification, 'Apply to underarms only.'  And under warnings, it says 'for external use only.'  The latter is in bold for anyone who isn't paying attention.

I'll pause to allow the reader time to ponder on the implications of the statements.

Now I'll comment because...well...I can't not comment.  It would make my head explode and brains would get all over my office and the smell would be so awful that HIM would have to break out TOTAL DEFENSE POWER GEL 5 for Removal of Brain Matter - in convenient spray form.  (What?  You don't think they make that?)  Why would anyone have to put, 'Apply to underarms only,' on the back of a deodorant stick?  Because someone looked at it and said, "Goooolllleee.  Ifin this is good for the sweat under my pits, then where else could I put it?  Let me think about that."  And then they did think about it, rapidly followed by an application in the afflicted areas.

I know what popped into my mind about what area would be next on the top ten mansweat parts of the body.  So I asked HIM what would be, next to HIM's armpits, the sweatiest part on his body.  And quite naturally I got the answer that popped into my head.  I got it into my head that if I went down the street and asked random men they would probably call the police on me, but on the inside they would admit that the testicular area is next sweatiest to the underarm area.

And let it be said here and now that once upon a time some stupid person (Probably not the guy from The Stupidest Man Ever blog, but maybe his brother or his cousin or possibly his brother/cousin.  Bet you have to think about that.) said to himself: 'This stuff works so well on my underarms, let's just try it out...down there.'  And he whips his package aside and goes to town in a deodorant fashion on his genitalia.  (My mind is aghast.)  Then when the burning and itching commenced, he probably called up Right Guard and had a discussion with them.  Whereupon they were forced to put 'Apply to underarms only' on the directions.

All of which leads me to the other statement that caught my eye.  In bold.  'For external use only.'  The same man who applied it to his sweaty meat sacs decided that it smelled so darned good, that possibly it might...um...taste good too?  Or possibly this man was more sophisticated than that.  He thought, 'If I apply it to my body and it works, then maybe it will work much better if I...eat it.'  Break out the salt, buckaroos, it's deodorant for dinner.  Yippee.

After this man's stomach was pumped, he called up Right Guard and said, "Hey, you all didn't say that I couldn't eat it."  Consequently, they had to put a warning on it. 'For external use only.'  And if the random individual has to look up the meaning of the word, 'external,' then fuck it, he's too damn dumb to use deodorant anyway.

Of course, then I had to prance back to my bathroom and look at my deodorant to see what wonders it portrayed on its covers.  My Secret deodorant is powder fresh and has the same qualifiers.  So look, stupid isn't a gender related issue.

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