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Monday, December 12, 2011

How I Have Been Remiss in Taunting My Sister's Cat OR More Illustrations to Amuse the Masses

Recently it dawned on me that I have neglected my humorous blogs because I have been busy whining about finishing a novel.  (Psst.  You.  Bubba and the Missing Woman is done.  Go buy it on Amazon, B&N, or Smashwords.  I'll wait.  Really, go and buy it now.  You're missing out.  You *NEED* to find out what happens to Willodean.)  (Has any reader yet figured out that I use my blog to shamelessly plug my work?  Yes.  I really do.)

So since funny things continue to happen to me and I'm obliged to offer running commentary, I will return to the ritualized taunting of my sister's cat.  A brief round-up for those of you not familiar with the taunting of my sister's cat.  It started with Things I Cannot Blog About...  I introduced my sister's cat, Mellow.  Mellow is the cat whom I pissed off in a poorly executed scaring attempt.  (Hey, it always worked on my cats.)  Then my sister said the cat was insulted, which I took as a challenge.  (It sounded like a challenge, therefore I was obligated to answer.)  The following blog ensued The Dissing of My Sister's Cat...  It was followed by I Have Not Yet Finished With My Sister's Cat...  And Mellow appeared in multiple illustrations in various blogs to follow, all of which usually had nothing to do with the blog but amused the hell out of me.

Mellow, my sister's cat.  She appears pretty innocuous until you're sleeping.
So glad she lives on the opposite of the country.  Or else I would
be totally hosed.

Anyhoo, I was thinking about cats today because my daughter, Cressy, would die to have a cat for Christmas.  Literally, she's thinking she will die if a cat doesn't appear in her Christmas sockie.  I don't want another pet right now but she's seven and I'm a wuss, so guess what's happening for Christmas.

Voila, we could get a cat like Mellow.  My sister thinks she owns the cat.  Hahaha.  The cat owns her.  I only jumped out at the cat and went, "Boo!" or something like that.  The cat leaped into the air, performed an Olympic quality back spring, and hissed at me for a substantial amount of time later.  Seriously, the cat hissed at me for like 30 minutes and avoided me religiously for the remainder of the visit.  And I didn't even touch her.

So I thought about how I have defamed my sister's cat, Mellow.  It occurs to me that I may not be done.  And since there was a very interesting debate on television last night, I was inspired.  ('m speaking of the dreaded 'P' word, you know.  I'll whisper it.  Politics.  Shh.)

Now I'm in trouble.  I may never get to go to Arkansas again.  (Too bad, I like that state.)  And, of course, I'm far from finished.  I might as well throw Al Gore under the illustrative bus, too.

Now Tennessee is going to ban me, too.  That's really a shame because I haven't been there yet.

However, I'm an equal opportunity taunter and I'm going for republicans, too.  If you don't get this reference, you're obviously born after 1988, which means you're too young to read my blog.

I hope Texans (wonderful, beautiful, terrific Texas and its open-minded, humor filled occupants) will take it in the same light as Alabamians and Tennesseans.  (Those don't look right.  I can't believe the spell check didn't flag either one of those.  I probably confused the program.)

And I saved the best for last.

And now California is probably going to shake its finger at me. See, I slammed my sister's cats and Republicans, too.

In conclusion, I think I shouldn't watch Presidential debates or mess with my sister's cat, anymore.  I'm starting to feel icky.


Mac said...

After the first five-hundred-seventy-three debates, you're STILL watching them? Oh my, God. You need help.

Jo said...

Do NOT try to scare your daughter's new cat. Just sayin'...

Although it would make for some really interesting blog material...

NAH. Don't do it.

Carwoo said...

I want to scare politicians. Unfortunately, I'd get arrested for jumping out and saying, "Boo!" in D.C. This is a shame considering how close I live to there.

C R Ward said...

My four cats loved your posts about Mellow. But then, they're twisted like that. :-)

If you haven't picked out a cat for your daughter yet, orange cats are the most affectionate, while black and white female cats are the craziest.

Carwoo said...

Ironically, she wants an orange one. The worst cat I ever had was a black one. She was determined to pee in every corner of any house where we lived and she was especially determined to pee on HIM's clothing, and if he was dumb enough to leave clothing on the floor, well, I kinda thought he deserved it.