More Mysteries of the Moron Cat

The moron cat, in case you don't read my blog, is my daughter's cat.  I was bamfoozled into acquiescence last Christmas in a bold move involving HIM and my daughter.  The result was moron cat.  Don't let the name fool you.  He really is a moron.  I believe I proved his level of intelligence in previous blogs.  This cat growls at garbage trucks driving by on the street.  (Well, he's inside because he's an inside cat and outside he would probably die instantly because of his little, itty, bitty teensy, weensie brain so I suppose it's okay for him to growl at the garbage truck, because in most cases it isn't coming after him, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't know that.)  (My cousin thinks I'm being mean to the cat.  Don't tell the cat.)

Moron Cat, er, Megaroy is at least part Maine Coon Cat, which means he's developing into a large cat.  I have come to the conclusion that the cat is an alien sent to spy on us.  I have a complex reason for this, which I will explain at length because it's funny and I need to blog about something.

I had the exact same theory about another cat we owned, for a slightly different reason.  I will explain, for I am in an explaining mood.  (Run-on sentences may be involved and also wretched, dramatic changes in thoughts, as well as the equilateral definition of a three pointed figure.  Whatever.)

Cat no. 3, whom we picked up in Germany, was a feline named Mifawnwi.  (I like weirdness in everything.  Really.)  After we got another cat in Texas where we had moved after Germany, she decided that she must pee on everything.  She especially peed on things on the floor.  If HIM left a shirt on the floor it was sprayed by the special eau de cat cologne.  The carpets were favored targets.  We tried everything.  Extra cat boxes.  Special anti-pee sprays.  Finally I put tile down everywhere in the first house we owned just to keep her from peeing in the corners.  Then she died.  I think the tile broke her little heart.  Also she had some kind of cancer.  Poor cat.  However I can come to the conclusion that she was secretly an alien sent to spy on the human race because of the sheer amount of urine capacity she had.  (It's my belief that she had extra organs meant to massively produce urine in order to mark all the corners of the house.)  Her alien reports to the mother ship must have been odd.  "The fat one likes a lot of ice cream.  Plus she dances to old eighties tunes in her underwear when no one is watching.  I was hiding behind the potted plant.  Must go and pee now."  Anyway, definitely an alien cat.  (I'm 99% sure.)

Megaroy is like cat no. 6 in our lives.  I had managed to be cat free for a bit because I put my foot down while Cressy was an infant.  But then Daddy started in with his secret agenda, and manipulated our daughter into massive treason on a feline basis.  Ta-da.  Megaroy.

Well, Megaroy seems to view litter boxes as a challenge.  An empty box is a wrong box.  So not only does he pee in the box (This is good.  This is exactly where we want that to happen.) but then he poops in the box.  (You might be thinking, "What is she complaining about?"  Yes, pooping in the litter box is good.  Very good.  But Megaroy doesn't just poop.  He poops and then he buries for a half-hour straight.)  He poops.  I mean he POOPS!  In massive, smelly piles.  We have two litter boxes in the house for one stupid cat.  (I watched the Cat From Hell guy and he said one cat = two boxes.  Anyone with a funky goatee, tattoos, and a guitar case full of cat toys cannot be wrong.)  The size of poopage isn't the problem.  It's the smell.  OMFG, it smells that bad.  If I am downstairs, it will waft from upstairs and pollute the entire house.  (I have considered a gas mask.  I have Yankee Candles everywhere in the house and Febreeze calls me up when they're trying out a new aroma.  Well, they don't, but they should.)

So my sister sez "Change what you feed him.  Also use X cat litter."  I did.  The cat eats almost any kind of dry cat food.  I never had a cat before who preferred dry food.  The smell of the cat poop did not change.  Then came the next challenge.  Scoop the poop daily.  When the cat was acquired the then-seven-year-old agreed to all tending duties.  (This did not work out.)  I said, "I'm not doing it."  And the detail reverted to HIM.  Therefore HIM began to scoop daily.

Megaroy took this as a personal challenge to his catlihood.  No empty boxes in the house.  I would think he would herniate himself in some fashion based on the way he tries to fix the empty-box-no-turdliness.  (Which is the reason I think he's related to the other cat.  Only an alien cat could produce poop at a moment's notice.  My apologies to any offense to non-pooping aliens.  Seriously.)  I think Megaroy could aim his poop, too.  I don't want to tick him off.

Thus came the next step in conquering the cat poop smell dilemma.  I bought this:

Can I point out the key phrase on this box?  Yes, I will.  "Stops odors instantly".  It doesn't say, "Maybe we'll stop some odors" or "Only non-smelly poopy odors will be stopped instantly".  No, it says: STOPS ODORS INSTANTLY.  Instantly.  Hahahaha.  It does not stop odors instantly.  In fact, I don't think it even made an impact on Megaroy's poop.  This is false advertising.  What fricking odor did it stop instantly?  The scent of freshly cut daisies?  Recently sprinkled baby powder?  I don't think so.  (And may I mention that the cat pictured on the box doesn't appear to be happy.  He does not.  Ask any cat owner.  He's saying, "Fuck you.  My poop is going to kick this litter's ass."  He is.)

Undeterred I went to the store yesterday and I bought this:

I'll point out the pertinent words.  Fresh Step EXTREME.  (They heard about Megaroy.  But they forgot to call me.)  It has CarbonPLUS tm for Extreme odors from Urine & Feces.  See.  Totally for the cat in our house.  We'll see.  We WILL see.

I got the 25 pound box to the front register at Target and when I put it on the conveyor belt as it was the last item in my cart, it became apparent that there was a big cut in the bottom of the box.  How I did not notice this before, I do not know.  How did I know there was a big cut in the bottom of the box?  When I put it on the belt, kitty litter burst out and went everywhere.  It went on the other items.  It went on the floor.  It went on the belt.  It went on the person standing behind me in line.  (She was very nice about it.  I was so embarrassed.)  It went on the clerk.  It was like a rainbow of kitty litter, except without the pretty colors.  (Quick someone call Tidy Cat and suggest rainbow colored kitty litter.)  I stood there with a haunted expression on my face.  What does one do when one's box of kitty litter has just exploded at the check-out lane?  I thought about screaming, "It's kitty litter confetti!  Let's party!" but my heart wasn't in it.

Anyway, they went and got me another box and all was well.  The cat is trying it out right now because he can't NOT poop in a fresh box.  I think the people at Target have me on their "special" list now which is too bad because I luv Target.

The things I do in order to write a blog...