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Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Halloween is Coming! OR Let's All Get Drunk and Smoke Pumpkins or Something

Scary things happened this week:

HIM fell off the ladder.  (Why he was on the ladder was a whole different story.)  Somehow HIM ended up falling off the ladder and then landing on the ladder.  I should have stopped to take a picture but I wasn't thinking of posting it at the time.  (Later I would regret it, but you know how these things go.)  So here's a diagram for hilarity's sake.
All righty then.  Let's get to the dissection of the funniness and traditional teasing of the HIM, the man to whom I've been married for 29 years.  As you can see he's on the ladder in the correct way and one hand was holding on.  Now I did not personally witness the event.  I was on my computer and I heard a boom, crash, and a girly scream.  (It might have been curse words.  HIM doesn't remember cursing.  It sounded like cursing to me, but I was somewhat too alarmed to take notes.)  When I rushed out to see what had happened, he was lying on his back on top of the ladder.  On top.

And thus we have a mystery.
So after ascertaining that HIM was all right (Which I did.  I already said I didn't stop to take a picture.) I was like, "WTF?  How you could possibly land ON TOP of the ladder?"  And might I mention that the ladder in question isn't a light ladder, like it might be inferred in the picture.  (The ladder is a husky ladder.  It shops in the women's section.)  No, it weighs thirty pounds or so and would pretty much eff things up if it landed on top of HIM.  (HIM would have been whimpering if HIM had still been conscious, but if the ladder had landed on top of him, HIM would have woken up in the hospital.)

Well, HIM laid on top of the ladder for a while, looking up at the sky, trying not to move, and I hovered asking things like, "Do I need to call an ambulance?" and "What hurts?" and "Get your sorry up ass or I'll kick it?"  (Well I didn't really say the last one and it wasn't really a question.)
After HIM got up and went inside (One of the neighbors came out to see what had happened and offered to call 9-1-1, but HIM didn't seem to be bleeding from any orifice and he did stand up by himself.) I got him some ibuprofen (which I believe to be a gift from the gods at least once a month) and asked him, "What the hell happened and how did the ladder end up below you?"  (HIM was teaching the ladder a lesson.  Yeah.)  I was trying to figure out how the ladder twisted in mid-air while HIM was falling.  The basic laws didn't really seem to apply in any scenario I could envision.

HIM said something about scrapes on his ankle, shin, bruised ass and head.  Apparently his tuckus made a connection with one of the rungs and left a rung-sized bruise there.  I just couldn't picture it in my head.  (The fall, not the bruise.)  So here's another diagram.  HIM couldn't just fall off the ladder in a typical way.  No, the ladder slipped out from under him.
Unfortunately HIM could not fly.  One can see from this picture that gravity is making a point.  If one is up in the air, one will not hover like Wile E. Coyote and flap one's arms.  (I secretly wanted the coyote to get the Road Runner at least once.  And did anyone else think it was weird that Wile E. Coyote had all that money to buy stuff from Acme but he couldn't buy himself food?)  (Just me, right?)
There ya have it.  Things not to do before Fat Woman needs to write a blog.

1 comment:

R. Mac Wheeler said...

2005, cleaning up after hurricane (I forget which, maybe Francine), I was on a 24' ladder using a big-ass chain saw.


Thank God for emergency cut-offs or something else could have been cut off.

Fell into a not-so-soft bed of tree limbs previously cut by moi.

Tell HIM I can relate.