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Monday, May 2, 2011

ATTACK of Alien Barbie! OR Oh, No, Little Green Martians Have Disintegrated My Toy Miniature Poodle Named 'Scaramanga!'

Upon doing the Barbie blog ('Bleeping Toys That Should Have Been.') I got this comment via email from my old Army buddy.  (Seriously, Fat Woman was in the Army and Fat Woman has old Army buddies.)  This is great stuff upon which I will elaborate because it bears elaboration.  Here it is, but first I want to let people know that it's called 'The Alien Barbie Hypothesis' and it's originated by Jennifer Llewellyn. 

Ok. Barbie dolls. You really wanna go there? I am dead serious about this... when this theory came to me it was a life changing experience.
It was maybe 15-20 years ago and I was looking at a TV Guide. Remember the GOOD TV Guide? When it was the size of Reader’s Digest? Before it got all “magaziney”... I had a subscription. I loved TV Guide. I swore by it. THEN THEY SCREWED AROUND WITH IT and I haven’t know what was on TV since. That’s why I watch all the voyeur shows. But I digress...

I saw an advertisement where you could order a replica of the very first Barbie Doll. If you’ve ever seen it, it’s the one with the bathing suit on with horizontal black and white stripes. (No right thinking woman would ever wear such a thing). And I noticed the eyes... THOSE HORRIBLE EYES. Clearly they are not human. Oddly almond shaped eyes. Very thin spindly neck. Triangular head. This is not a human doll, it is vaguely alien. WE ARE BEING INDOCTRINATED THROUGH THE TOY INDUSTRY TO ACCEPT ALIENS AS OUR FRIENDS.

It’s been years, and the toys are getting creepier and creepier. Bratz – look at them - the eyes now are HUGE. The heads are malformed. Now the kids play in actual alien Halloween costumes. And I heard on the radio some song the other day about some chick wanting to have sex with an alien. “I unrobed ya, now I gonna probe ya. I abducted ya... Now I gonna F_ _ _ ya.” When they do come to enslave us, we won’t run and scream in fear, because we and our children have been gradually getting used to them for years and years. WE’LL PROBABLY RUN UP AND ASK FOR THEIR AUTOGRAPHS right before they ZAP us!!
This is an actual conspiracy in mind control, we have all been subjected to it, and it frightens the hell out of me.
(I think it's some funny sh*t.  Seriously.  She'll probably never let me print another response on my blog again.  Also she'll probably never respond to me ever again.)

So here's a close-up of the first Barbie ever made in 1959:

Here's an artist's interpretation:
Yes, it's been pointed out that I misspelled the word, 'weird.'
And now just for clarification I went and found this:

I think this is a hippie alien from the 60s
See the amazing similarity.  See?  Come on, See?  Okay, another image just to prove my point:
Why is Marvin the Martian's face black?
Is he like concealing his true identity?
Is there a Barbie under there?
Undeniable.  And look at the progression of Barbies:
This is obviously an Alien-Inspired Barbie.
Look at the size of her feet, for gawd's sake.
And this Barbie appears only TEN years
after mysterious events at Roswell, NM.
Hmm?  X-Files?  Scully!  Mulder!
Where are you?
Then there's Ken, who came out a few years later:
Candy striped shirt.  Little feet.  Hmm.
You know what I'm thinking, right?
Potty mind.
So here's Barbie and Ken, circa 1990.  This is getting progressively weirder.
Either Ken & Barbie are eking out the last
vestiges of disco OR
they're secretly alien imports
from Planet Tranvesto.  I mean, look
at his hair.
Okay, all of this means there should be a new Barbie:
And look, someone already made an Alien Barbie:
See, you can hardly tell the difference.
So all of this conjecture leads to an inevitable conclusion:
And you thought he wasn't born in Hawaii...
Hah.  Someone needs to call Donald Trump and let him know.

P.S.  A note to the NSA.  Fat Woman is not a communist.  Fat Woman makes other people laugh.  Fat Woman does not need to be arrested and put on the ban list for events in Washington D.C.  Also tell Barrack that I missed my invitation to the last event he had.

P.S.S.  Fat Woman WAS in the US Army.  Here's proof.

Man, I look stupid.

So I was forced to add this:
Hahaha.  Blogging is fun.


Anonymous said...

Wow! an honest to goodness real live U.S.Army basic training photo! I'm gonna go look up my own thousand yard stare basic training photo and upload that if I can find it.

And I double dog dare everyone else to do that too!

Woody said...

where's the Missile Rats plug? You can't make that stuff up. we should start a comment back n forth on which portions are fake and which ones actually happened....


Carwoo said...

Okay. I'll plug myself. Ya'll read 'Missile Rats' by C.L. Bevill. That's Fat Woman's other identity. It's available on,, and for nook, kindle, and other ereaders. It's all about the kooky antics of a poor deluded nuclear missile technician in the 1980s. Great fun.