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Thursday, April 28, 2011

Bleeping Toys That Should Have Been

Since blogging about my daughter's toys, I have thought of something I have wanted to say about Barbie for years.  I mean, freaking, flipping, bleeping YEARS.

So my daughter, Cressy,  likes Barbie.  But she also likes some of the other ones.  She has two Monster High Dolls, Frankie Stein and Draculaura.  For those of you without children or with children who are too old to appreciate the finer qualities of the doll, these are actual toys who are reputed to be the daughters of Frankenstein's monster and Dracula.  They go to Monster High and have all kinds of girl issues that are related to being monsters' daughters.  (I can only imagine since I am not a monster's daughter, only a perverse writer with a wonky sense of humor.  "OMG, my leg just fell off."  "Are my teeth in your neck, like, for real?")
Frankie Stein

So there's those two.  Is it just me or does Draculaura and Frankie Stein look a little slutty?  I had to tell Cressy that she couldn't wear a skirt that short today to school but she took it well.

Anyway, so Cressy's got those and she's got a Bratz Doll, which is a whole different kind of slutty.  Also she's got a buttload of Disney Princess dolls like Snow White in a mini skirt and Cinderella ready to do ballet.  (Funny I don't remember ballet in the movie while she was scrubbing the floors and singing to the mice and the birds and getting repressed by her step-monster.)

But hey, I've got a suggestion.  (Actually I thought of these years ago.)  The reality line of Barbies.  Seriously.  Cressy's got a Dentist Barbie.  (She has high heels and a kicky smock, but she's by God a professional.  And I'm pretty sure she doesn't have elephant fingers.)  There's also a Vet Barbie wandering around somewhere.  That's veterinarian, not veteran, incidentally.  (Although Barbie looks more like a Vet tech, I'm not complaining because at least she has a job with some benefits and makes slightly more than minimum wage.)  There's even an older Barbie (in age, not appearance) who was traded in a toy swap with the six year old fiend from hell living next door.  I think it's is one of the Olsen twins (the Barbie NOT the fiend) but I'm not sure.  It's someone I'm supposed to know.  There's a couple of Fairy Barbies and they have their own DVD's, which make me want to ralph when Cressy brings one out to watch.  (Yes, vomit magically appears in my mouth when I'm forced to watch 'Fairytopia.'  Try it and you'll understand.  I've been tempted to magically 'disappear' this DVD, but haven't managed to pull that off yet.)  I almost bought Twilight Barbies for Cressy but she thought Edward looked "Really freaky, Mommy."  Maybe Cressy knows something we don't.

Look, he does seem freaky.
 Back to the point of the blog before I really get sidetracked.

The Reality Line of Barbies.  (Attention Mattel.  This is parody.  Don't sue me.  Parody.  Couldn't be more made up.  It's supposed to be funny.)  If Mattel can't take a joke, they should just go look at the bottom line of their bank account.  No matter what hilarious crap I come up with here, you'll still be making beau coup loads of money.  (And suing me might get you my collection of old Harlequin Presents and a vintage swinging tail cat clock.  Seriously not worth it.)

First up, Hooker Barbie.  This one is for all those budding young women who want to get into a real service industry.

Then we have Pimp Ken.  And let me be the first to say that I didn't have to dress him up like this because he came this way in the box.  (REALLY.  This Ken came this way right in the bleeping box.  I did not have to dress him this way.)  This is sparkly silver lame and all he needs to be a stereotype is the pimpy hat.

And just because we're on a theme here.  She gets caught and this is what happens.  (Pimp Ken got away in his Coupe de Ville, because he saw the po-po coming down the street and his Coupe's got a V-8 under the hood.)  Prison Barbie:

But I'm not done.  Oh, hell no.  Fat Woman is on a roll.

The reality line of Barbies includes some down-to-earthiness, not just melodramatic stereotypes.  After all, we want to be able to touch all the children, right?  We have Fast Food Barbie.

And if there's Fast Food Barbie, then there's got to be Welfare Barbie:

And I've thought of other people to offend, too.  There should definitely be a Transvestite Barbie, or in this case, Transvestite Ken, which is a lot funnier than Transvestite Barbie:

Of course, just for me, there's PMS Barbie (What every growing girl should learn about):

Yes, PMS Barbie is wearing sweat pants and fluffy slippers.  Fellas, if you don't know about this, then you've never been married or you live under a rock.  (Hey, I make a point of warning HIM, the poor bastard to whom I'm married, that the BIG event is about to occur and that it would behoove him to take shelter, say, in the Bering Straights in a Russian fishing trawler, but does HIM listen to me?)

So kids, today's lesson.  It's fun to have a blog.  You get to play with your daughter's Barbies and take pictures of them and make fun of them while your daughter is at school.  Isn't life wonderful?

And BTW, I was thinking about a FAT WOMAN Barbie, but I couldn't make one beautiful enough to suit me.  So phfft.

Finally, Barbies who didn't make the illustration cut: S&M Barbie, Serial Killer Barbie and/or Serial Killer Ken, HIV Barbie, Mortgage Company Barbie (She's the one who calls to tell you your house is about to be auctioned off), Redneck Barbie (I should really do that one.  I'm thinking of all the accessories that could go with it.), Stripper Barbie should definitely be there, Pirate Barbie popped into my head complete with peg leg, eye patch, and dreads, Punk Barbie, Depression Barbie (comes with Prozac), Bulemic Barbie (you could make her eat and then throw up, what fun.) and Zombie Barbie, because I'm thinking of Cressy's story 'Attack of Alligator Girl and the Zombie Kids.' (Go read that blog.)

There, have I left anyone out?  Feel free to make suggestions on any one I didn't offend.


Don said...

I'm thinking of a "Crazy Cat Lady Barbie". Comes with 21 cats and a one bedroom apartment. And her own debris box from the garbage company for all of the used kitty litter.

Carwoo said...

I like that one! Could be a Hoarder Barbie too. It kind of goes in that direction.

AWriterWithGuts said...

I make & sometimes sell, my own version of the "pregnant" Barbie, who suffers from "the wrath" of modern fertility drugs. Although I have yet to do an "Octo-Mom, I have made a Barbie-clone doll with sextuplets in her tummy. I am going to make a red neck doll soon. Got to find some tiny beer cans first!
Although I am a person with very progressive thinking, I do agree with you that most of the "fashion" dolls today, look like they came out of a Frederick's catalog! (I admit,I have bought clothes from this company, but NOT to wear out in the street!). Who is designing the clothes for Mattel? The Happy Hooker?
Even with all her faults, we still do love Barbie! BUT, I do hate blonde Barbies with a passion! Far too many are made like this, when most of the worlds population has some shade of brown to black hair. Go figure? (My 2 sisters were blonde & I wasn't!).
There is a "Fat Lady" Barbie. She is Mattel's, Rosie O'Donnell doll. I have one and I think they should make more fat Barbies to emphasize that REAL people do NOT have bodies like hers and that you are ok if you weren't born (and who was?) with a body like Barbie!
There was a "reality" TV show that RuPaul did, to find the best drag queen in the U.S. They had a Barbie challenge and someone did a "hooker Barbie" with black eyes, torn clothes and mushed up hair. I don't condone violence at all, & this was not done to say that it's ok to direct violence towards "ladies of the night", but is was done really well and deserved a mention here.
Also, how about a alcoholic or a pregnant drug addict, Barbie with mini syringes, a lighter and a tiny spoon? Ken could be her "pusher"! I like your idea of an anorexic Barbie, scary, but that's reality too! (Some of those "Monster High" dolls already look severely anorexic and have blue skin as well!).

Anonymous said...

Nice article! There actually exists a fast food Barbie (sans the hernia) - :)