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Saturday, May 21, 2011

Candy Zombies, Beware! Or More Zaniness From Cressy's POV

Once there were...candy zombies.  These weren't normal zombies.  Yes, they would eat brains, but only brains with cereal and milk.  (Milk is good for the bones, and zombies have big issues with bones.  They fall off.  They stuff 'em back on.  All that nonsense.)  No, these were worse than the usual, typical fare zombie.  They had the capacity to induce terror in even the bravest of souls and make the knees knock of super heroes everywhere.  They were...
They were the most evil, the vilest, the nastiest, meanest zombies ever.  They looked at you meanly.  They spit on the ground.  (I'm told this is a truly icky thing.)  They said bad words.  (Like...shh....crap....and...barf.  Apparently those are the worst words Cressy can think of at the moment.)  They looked at you in a bad way.  (They made the Charles Manson Zombies look like Mary Poppins Zombies and that's saying a lot.)

So one night when the moon was full and the candy store was empty, the candy zombie came out.
Wait.  Wait.  Wait.  There's an editorial change.  It turns out that the candy zombie doesn't have blood coming off him.  He has candy dripping off him.  Silly me.  What was I thinking?
And I was specifically reinforced that candy zombies do eat brains but only with milk and cereal.  There was no mention of what type of cereal was involved, but I suspect it was Captain Crunch or possibly Cheerios with 1% milk.  (No Wheaties or Fat-Free Milk because those are gross-buckets.)

Anyway, to get this story back on track, the candy zombie had a special key.  He looked everywhere for it.
Finally, he found it in his shoe.  Apparently candy zombies are very security conscious.

So the candy zombie took the special key and opened the door to the candy store.  Then HE ATE EVERYTHING IN THE FREAKING STORE.  Oh, my gosh.  ("Oh, my gosh," is a direct quote from Cressy, the erstwhile director.  She was truly shocked at the direction that her own story was taking.  That nasty, awful, dreadful candy zombie ate ALL THE CANDY IN THE CANDY STORE.  Horrors abounding!)
Yes, the candy zombie consumed every last bit of candy in the store.  He shuffled happily off into the sunrise, wondering if he could find some early morning brains with milk and cereal.  (Definitely not a bran cereal because that tastes like grass that someone threw into the bowl and farted on it.  Possibly it had nuclear fall out too.)

But when the candy store owner came back he was really upset.  He cried.  Then he ran away from the candy store and became a politician.  And he never ate candy again.  (For a seven year old this is truly a fate worse than death.)

The end.

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