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Sunday, September 1, 2013

Reasons Not to Blog OR I'm Pooped

When I first started the blog, it was three times a week.  I was totally into it.  Then it slipped to twice a week.  Then it slipped to once a week.  Now it's slipping again.  So today, I said to myself, "I should blog."  But then I added, "But I don't want to."  In the immortal words of Nancy Kerrigan, "Why me?  Why me?  Why me?"

Possibly it's because I spent the weekend taking care of the kid who is sick and who passed it to me.  I now have razor blade throat and the kid wants to go to the last day of the fair tomorrow.  I may die.  There you go, a reason not to blog.

But hey, I could totally come up with better reasons not to blog.

1.  Here's an old one but still relevant.  A meteor fell on my house/dog/cat/computer.

It could totally happen.

2.  My cat ate my computer/puked a hairball on my computer/or me/my cat decided that I wasn't permitted to use the computer.
 
See.  Again.  Perfectly plausible.
 
3.  Doing blogs can cause genital warts.  The surgeon general said so.  (Maybe.)
 
Doesn't that look like a picture of a woman who would tell you that?  I think so and then it was pointed out to me that she wasn't the surgeon general anymore, which explains why I haven't seen her in the news lately.  Anyway, Koop was always my favorite.  For his name and his mustacheless state.  (Does anyone know that he died?  I need to watch the news more.  Who is the surgeon general lately?)
 
3.  I lost my computer.  It's true.  It was on my desk.  Then there were some other things on my desk and pretty soon my desk was a big pile of papers and weird books.  (There's a Fiji mermaid and a maneki neko sitting on my desk, sitting next to a Bubba name made out of fake deer antlers.  Swear to God.  My desk is the repository of all things lost.)  (Actual conversation last week.  HIM: Have you seen this receipt?  Me: It's on my desk.  HIM: We're fucked.)  (A maneki neko is one of those good luck cats that waves its arm.)
This is supposed to be lucky, but it's obviously
not lucky for my desk.
4.  My aunt/cousin/step-sister/brother-in-law once removed died.  It was a moving ceremony.  Many people cried.
 
I want to go to that funeral.  Did you know you can buy caskets at Costco?  I didn't know that.  I wonder if one would fit into my Explorer.
 
5.  I was mugged by evangelical atheists.  (Well someone had to mug me.  I was just picking them out of a group.)
Stuck on the funeral theme.  This picture says a lot.  Funeral plus Corona.  I hope they have a crate of limes behind the beer.  And chips.  Definitely going to need some chips.
 
6.  I was kidnapped by terrorists, who eventually got tired of my whining and let me go.
 
I couldn't find any funny pictures of terrorists but there was this vintage sign about being buried in Florida and without tax, too.  Read the small print where it says "How to Kick the Bucket Gracefully".  That's an advertisement.
 
7.  I had to bail HIM/Cressy/Mother/Father/Mother-in-Law/Cousin's sister's husband out of jail.
Still on that funeral theme.  It might be (wait for it) a long time before (wait for it) it dies a peaceful death.  Damn.  I just lost several readers right then.  I'd like to see Ahh-norld carrying a casket for real.
 
8.  My flash drive exploded.  My house was being fumigated.  The president called to get my opinion on some important matter of state.  It was stolen by zombies.  (Hey, I had to do a zombie reference.)
 
Anyway.  Look at that.  I wrote a blog.
 
 
 


2 comments:

R. Mac Wheeler said...

I'm proud of you...ya got a blog out

Sara S. said...

I am so stealing the Florida funeral ad.

You have to remember to blog at least once per week, because if you don't, the fish in the upper right corner won't get fed. I always feed them. Thought they've been looking a little thin lately.

Besides, I need at least one weekly belly-laugh, it's my personal excercise plan. Thanks for getting it out there for me today!