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Sunday, September 29, 2013

OH NOES! Fat Woman Goes Shopping Again!

Yes.  There was a shopping trip to Target, which is one of my favorite places to taunt.  Next to Walmart, that is.  Walmart just asks for it.  I never see the people at Target that I see at Walmart.  Obviously there are some people wandering around Target that could be just as easily walking around Walmart, waiting for people to whip out their smart phones and take a picture, but I haven't seen them yet.  Maybe it's because I typically go to the store during the daytime and most Targets don't stay open 24/7.  (Some Walmarts do and the only time I remember taking advantage of that was when my daughter was an infant and she wouldn't go back to sleep.)
Obviously this person has an afghan dog.  Hey, I've never seen this
person at Target.
Anyway, we're prancing around Target.  (You might think that I mean figuratively speaking, but there was a point where Cressy and I were prancing.  HIM, the long-suffering man to whom I'm married wouldn't be caught dead prancing.)

And I wandered down the chips aisle.  I know I'm not supposed to go down the chips aisle.  Not legally, of course, but in the event that I have a chip craving of ginormous proportion, I'm not supposed to be there.  I don't know who invented potato chips but fat people everywhere are cursing them.

Instead of chips I found:
I find myself wanting to commend this company's marketing director.  Also I find myself wanting to hum "Boom Chicka Boom Boom" because I can't help it.  In my head it sounds just like a soundtrack of a sleazy porn movie.  (Not that I would know.)

But then I saw:

Do I need to say that this also wasn't chips.  Chex Mix has broadened its horizons.  Really.  Muddy Buddies.  I bet they won't sell this for long.

But I wasn't done with the chips aisle.  I found this, actual chips.  Well, allegedly actual chips.  I haven't opened them to see.  Yes, prodded by my only child I was forced to buy it.  She thought there were real voodoo dolls inside:
There are not real voodoo dolls inside.  Or voodoo doll shaped potato chips, which is very disappointing.

But I wasn't quite done with the chips aisle, for there was one more thing to catch my attention, which says a lot about me.
Yes.  Naked Pita Chips.  Stacy's Naked Pita Chips.  I think that Stacy meant that her pita chips were plain but I'm also certain that Stacy counted on people taking a second look at her pita chips.  I did not buy these.

So once I was done with the chips aisle, off we went to...dah-dah-dahhhhh...the toy aisle.

It's just not done to escape Target without visiting the toy aisle.  But don't fret because those tricky people at the toy companies are always coming up with toys that I can make fun of.  Really.

First there was weird tadpole/mermaid Lalaloopsy doll.  Why play with a mermaid when you can play with a freaky little tadpole creature?
I don't even need to say anything else about this because it stands for itself.  See on the top?  "Mermaid sleeps in pod!"  It's a little body snatcher right there in your Target Toy Department.

Of course, Target has been paying attention to the recent fascination with zombies as evidenced by this:
You're a complete doofenstein if you don't have a zombie strike nerf gun.  You need a zombie strike nerf gun.  Why?  Because zombies need to be nerfed.  I want a zombie strike nerf gun.  I won't be a complete woman unless I own a zombie strike nerf gun.  (And you thought women just wanted jewelry.)

But there were more dolls.  What the hella heck is up with half creature/half human dolls?  There was the little weird dog faced humans, who HAVE pet dogs, too.

Littlest Pet Shop is trying to expand its markets, too.

But My Little Pony couldn't be left out and they had half horsey/half human things too.
For $12.99 you can pretend gallop around and have three different changes of tails.  Hmm.

And I can't leave out Barbie, can I?  This model has a light up stomach dress.  Seriously, my daughter giggled.  You press some button and her dress goes all Broadway Billboard.  I forgot to look at the price of it because I was busy snorting.
Then they had this.  Yes, ladies, the original Batman.  Adam West, eat your heart out.  Not sure why kids would want an original Batman.  In fact, I think its only mommies and daddies who want an original Batman and Target can't put these dolls anywhere else.  I was just sorry they didn't have Robin.  Burn on Robin.
Robin got to be in the background.  Did anyone else practice "walking up the rope" on a wall and have their mother get pissed at them because they left footprints on the wall?  No?  Just me, then.  Mom was probably glad I hadn't figured out how to walk on the ceiling.

Then they had Catwoman.  Catwoman prompted a fight about who had been the original Catwoman.  I was going for Eartha Kitt and HIM was saying that Batman was out in the 80s.  Strangers in the aisles were staring at us.  (I think they wanted to throw in Halle Berry and Anne Hathaway but I stared them down.)  HIM had to look up Lee Meriwether and Julie Newmar.  The best one was Eartha Kitt.  (By the way, first Catwoman is Julie Newmar for those who can't help themselves.)
 
There was a freaky little doll with yarn hair that I envisioned the moron cat eating and having to visit a surgeon for removal. 
It even admits that it has loopy hair.
 
After going through all of the toy madness we went through the Halloween section and Cressy spent her allowance.  Seriously.
Yes, it's a foam geisha wig.  Cressy's going to wear it with her pink ninja outfit.  I'm not sure how that's going to work out but who am I to judge?  I was just glad that she hadn't seen the next thing.
 

Glow in the dark dog poop.  If you're going to have a dog go poo and you're out in the darkness, what better way to have glow in the dark dog poop?
 
But hey, at least I didn't have to put the hot dog costume on the moron cat, who refused to walk in it.  In fact, he was pretty pissed off about the whole thing.
 

Okay, that's enough until the next shopping trip.  Same bat time.  Same bat channel.



3 comments:

Linda said...

giggle. the dog girl was creepy

Sara said...

Uh oh - I think you're slipping. You didn't point out that a person has to press on Barbie's boobies for the demo...

Carwoo said...

I did miss that. Horrors. A missed opportunity for snarky sarcasm. Thanks, Sara.