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Monday, April 23, 2012

I'm Talking to HIM OR I'm TALKING to HIM NOW!

Moving sucks.

Writing the end of a novel should not suck.  But some of the suckiness from moving has transmigrated into the novel writing making me unhappy.  The writing itself is not making me unhappy but I cannot write while I'm thinking about calling Mr. Happy Contractor about fixing this part of the house or about whether or not the purple walls in my daughter's room will need two coats of a neutral paint or FIFTEEN because it's the most vivid color of purple imaginable.  Therefore, I shall demonstrate accordingly with an illustration of my unhappiness:

Ideally, this is what HIM should shoot for:

Just so we're clear here.

Allrighty then.  Just so that's clear.

I'm not typically the you-have-aggrieved-me-give-me-some-pretty type of wife.  But lately I've been extra aggrieved.  I'm feeling somewhat wronged.

Therefore, options are available for HIM.  ("Yea!" HIM yells.  "I love OPTIONS!  Anything to make her stop griping!")  (No, HIM didn't really yell that, but I'm pretty sure HIM is thinking it.)

Pretty flowers.  Large arrangements are acceptable.  Silk flowers might be better.  They won't wilt.  A single flower in a cruddy vase = badness and divorce threat no. 44.  I prefer the color red but all types are acceptable except the type extracted from a local cemetery.

Pretty jewelry.  Again, not normally me, but I'm feeling somewhat resentful lately and don't mind being petty.  Here's a link to Pretty Bracelet to Supplicate My Wife Who is a Goddess for Putting Up With Me.  And hey, this is free with free super saver shipping!

No chocolates, please.  I have had enough lectures from the doctor and the nurse he used to deliver the bad news about my blood sugar levels.  (The nurse is the doctor's enforcer.)  (I think the doctor read some of my previous blogs about doctors and is afraid to say anything directly to me about the 'W' word.  So he throws his nurse under the bus.)

More sparkling jewelry ideas.  Here is Something Else to Make My Wife Stop Bitching About the Move.  And hey again, more free super saver shipping!  I may be pissed the eff off but I care about free super saver shipping!

But hey, I thought of something else that HIM could buy me in utter supplication of his poo-poo headedness.  (That should be a word: poopooheadedness.  It's self-explanatory.)

I like these.  They're funky, pink, AND send a message.  Find them at More Stuff to Placate a Ticked Off Wife.  This isn't the name of the shoe store, mind you, just the name of the link because I get to make it up.  Oh and I want the closed back shoes, size 38 (US 7.5 - 8).

Again, I must emphasize that I'm not really the give-me-stuff kind of spouse.  Never have been.  Ask HIM.  It's true.  However, I must liken finishing this book to pulling an elephant out of my butt.  It hurts, the elephants gets all nasty, and the elephant doesn't like it much.  How's that for a crappy metaphor?

A final illustrative hint to HIM:

This is BAD!
As compared to:

This is GOOD, unless you live in Stepford, Connecticut.



Well, it seems to me that you are easily supplicated. My husband is a diamond wholesaler, so when he does something to tick me off is is exponentially more expensive. LOL. HIM should consider HIMSELF lucky!

This comment has been removed by the author.
Carwoo said...

My husband is a rocket scientist. I don't want a rocket for a suck-up gift. Just sayin'.