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Monday, October 3, 2011

The Invasion of the Fungi Snatchers OR Please, Let All This Moisture From Here Go Straight to Texas

It has rained so much in Virginia that we're at a premium on rainfall.  We're like six inches ahead.  It's been so wet around here that the shrooms are attacking.  I'M NOT JOKING!  They're growing so fast they're going to elect a congress and establish a constitution.  And they might be biased about warm-blooded life forms.

The whole side of my yard has a 1000 mushrooms growing in it.  Weird mushrooms.  But don't take my word for it.  I HAVE PICTURES!  Also captions.  Humorously hilarious captions where I'm compelled to make witty observations!  Yea, writing!  Hooray, imagination!  (I may be out of control.)
This is bigger than it looks because I haven't
mowed my yard lately.  Really, it's like four
inches tall.  I swear.
It reminds me of the giant mushrooms
in Journey to the Center of the Earth.
(The James Mason version.)  I tried to
steal the idea for a book but I made them
into giant walking trees instead, which
it turns out that I stole from a movie that
I watched when I was a kid but I had forgotten until
my sister reminded me about it.
These captions seem to be getting longer
and longer, don't they?
Then there's the little orange one.  BRIGHT fricking orange.  It's probably poisonous.  I saw a squirrel eating one so I'll find out soon.  (You could use this mushroom as a location device.  You can see it from two miles away.)
I know it looks like a little pancake or something that
I threw into the grass but it's a shroom!
Also there's this kind that looks like the lacy bottom of a flamenco dancer's dress.  (It's a writer thing.  I have to make up hoity-toity descriptions of stuff to make myself feel more self-important.  The shroom can't be just wavy.  It has to be fancy.)
I know.  It's out of focus.  Try holding a Droid still
for those important shroom shots and see how well
you do.  Also, it looks like a dog came and barfed in our yard
but again it's a fungi of some kind.  I'm going with
some kind of shroom variation because it
sprouts out of the ground looking like a shroom
and then explodes like the above.  Gross.
Then there was giganto shrooms.  These buggers were hanging out by the bus stop, innocently minding their own business.  I managed to get a shot of them before the kids decided to do a complicated dance step on top of them.  Apparently shrooms have no rights to life and are instantly marked for death because of their vegetative ethnicity. (HIM just commented thusly, "Someone someone from the ACLU sat up and shuddered in horror.")  (It's so cold.  SAVE THE SHROOM!  We need to alert Obama or maybe Michelle.)
Seriously, these were like six inches high before
the elementary terror squad got done with them.
(The kids were singing a strange version of the Hokey
Pokey Song when they did it.  "You put your
left foot in, you put your left foot out.  You
stomp on the mushroom with all of your might!
It's the HOKEY-STOMPY!")
(Hey, it wasn't just my kid.)
And here's another odd and compelling fungi shot.  This was a picture from our trip to the mountains while Hurricane Irene was ruining our beach vacation.  So these are like, Hurricane Fungi.  I don't think these are actually shrooms, but I'm running with a theme here.
These are orange fungusy growths that are
devouring the tree or maybe they're
just really good friends.  (Hey, if they've
got an open relationship, it's all good.) (The tree
didn't seem unhappy.)
Finally, there were these hunormous shrooms by the walking path.  These were orange and humongous.  I saw them while I was driving by.  I mean, really, I saw them when I was driving by.  I dragged HIM and our daughter out to take a picture of them.  HIM was all like, "Mushrooms.  We have to go take pictures of frigging mushrooms.  Why?  Why?  Why?  Why do I have to go?  What did I do to deserve this?  Is there beer by the mushrooms?"  But the important question was, "How big could a stupid mushroom be?"  Allow me to post the first photograph.
Big ass orange mushrooms on the side of the walking
path.  They were big and orange.  I saw them
zipping down the adjacent street at 35 mph.  (It was
actually the car that was doing 35 mph.  I can only
do about 2 mph tops and that's while
on a steep hill whilst going downhill and being
chased by a man with a bloody machete.
A strong back wind helps.)
I know this doesn't look that impressive, but
wait til you see the next shot.
And HIM was all like, "Dang.  Those ARE big mushrooms."  I tried to get Cressy to put her hand in for comparison but she was all, "NOOOOO!  Yuck.  I'll get poison ivy!"  So HIM did it.  (I was halfway hoping that I could goose HIM, but he was onto me.)
That's what I'm talking about.  These suckers
are about to sprout legs and take over
the capitol.  What, do we suddenly live in
a rain forest?
And here we go on a tangent.
This is my idea of a ginormous shroom ready to get biz-ahh!
I stole this line from a move.  I'm a bad, bad author.
Then my mind pretty much goes wandering.  What would a shroom be pissed off about on earth?
Hey, I've seen some of these types at the fancy food store.
And I think I've lost the point of the blog, but who cares?
If you were a giant shroom with sudden cognition, wouldn't you be
pissed off that Campbell's was making TONS of cream of
mushroom soup and people were using it for
tuna fish casseroles?  Yes, I think you would be.  If you
were a giant shroom with sudden cognition, that is.
So I believe I might have blogged enough.  It's wet here and the shrooms are going nuts.  If all communication stops from this area of the country it's because they just grew all over us and smothered us to death.  Or something like that.


Jo said...

Did the squirrel live?

I simply love your sense of humor, and am volunteering to be your newest cyber-stalker-in-a-good-way.

And we didn't get that moisture. Re-send, please. Without the shrooms.

Carwoo said...

I didn't see any actual squirrel bodies so I suspect he did. However, I did tell the rain and stuff to go to Texas straightaway. Sorry about the mix up.