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Thursday, September 1, 2011

The Return of the Giant, Maneating, Killer, Obnoxious, Caffeine Deprived Pumpkin!

(Note to folks:  This blog was begun before the incident with the computer.  See ' How HIM Ruined My Entire Weekend...' from August 2011.  And also before 'EARTHQUAKE etc.'  And also before 'Random Stuff OR How I've Got Nothing OR Hurricane Schmurricane! We Don't Need No Stinking Hurricanes!'  So while it would be helpful to read those first, it's not completely necessary, BECAUSE I WILL ELUCIDATE!!!!!!!!)  (Look I made links to the blogs so you don't have to go look in the directory.  I have impressed myself with my computer eruditedness.  Also I made up another word.)

Well.  It occurs to me that I'm a little bored today.  I'm done writing on my other stuff.  (This means that my brain has been fried from thinking in Bubba vernacular.)  My MIL has departed for Texas where she has a date with a FEMA trailer and a truck to haul it from Mississippi to Texas.  (Unfortunately, I'm not permitted to blog about my MIL because I, sigh, promised not to do it.  But doesn't a story about a FEMA trailer and my MIL sound like it has unlimited potential?  I think it does.  In fact, just listening to my MIL talk to insurance companies on the phone to insure the FEMA trailer whilst on its travels has potential.  But my lips are sealed.  Too bad my fingers are a little loose.)

I think we need another story about pumpkins.  (See 'The Attack of the GIANT Monster Pumpkins OR What to Do When Your Garden Doesn't Produce (Get it?))  (Oh, the hell with it.  Just go back and read all the blogs.  I'll still be here.)

Warning:  To people with no sense of humor, you should just stop right here.  You won't get the jokes and you'll think my illustrated photos are silly and stupid.  It'll probably hurt you.  Stop reading now and go back to your Reader's Digest or The Dullest Blog in the World.  (I'm linking this because here it is.  I think it's funny.  He blogged about standing up and then was sitting down.  It couldn't get much duller than that.  He probably doesn't have anyone who writes and thinks his blog is offensive.)

Anyway, let me find a little inspiration.  Pumpkins.  I already did the obvious one.  Fairy Godmother.  Pumpkin carriage, etc.  So what else to do with pumpkins?  Pumpkin pie?  Pumpkin muffins?  Sleepy Hollow.  Yeah, Washington Irving lives forever.  (I have an urgent need to go watch Johnny Depp and Christina Ricci.  Tim Burton rocks.  I loved Christopher Walker as the Hessian.)
I don't see a pumpkin.  Does
anyone see a pumpkin?  Does
Tim Burton dislike pumpkins?
Do we need to boycott Tim Burton
on his lack of pumpkin use?
Nah.  The movie was made in 1999.
I think that ship has sailed.  But Tim
better watch it in the future.  (He looks almost
as weird as Johnny Depp in character so
how does he hang out with his hot
girlfriend/whatever, Helena Bonham Carter?)
So much for the story about the pumpkin.

See?  See?  I mean, really.  (But now Helena looks a
little funky, too.  Hey, it works for them.)  (And wouldn't
The Life and Death of Bayou Billy be a great novel
for Tim Burton to make into a movie?  Or the Coen Brothers.
Whichever.  Call me!)
Okay, focus, Fat Woman.  Pumpkins.

Once there was a pumpkin hanging out in a field of other pumpkins mind their own business.
Yes, I have used the pumpkin with the weird butt again.  I will
probably use this pumpkin that I grew in my garden in perpetuity
or until it's not funny anymore.  Probably the latter.
And here goes another tangent:
I think I might have missed messing with Mellow, my sister's cat,
for a few blogs.  So I felt compelled.
Back to the pumpkin.  One night a headless Hessian came looking for his head and found the pumpkin instead.
I wasn't sure about a headless Hessian's outfit so I winged it.
The pumpkin decided that things didn't look good.  So it tried to talk its way out of the situation.
Hey, weird butted pumpkin is quick on its...well...weird butt.
But it went on for awhile in this vein.
I don't think the real headless Hessian would have debated with
the weird butted pumpkin but it's my story.
Things were looking grim for the pumpkin.
Hmm.  Am I dragging on this topic too long?  Maybe.
So the pumpkin quickly watched several Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee movies and kicked the Headless Horseman into oblivion.
See, everything you need to learn can be learned from school and from
movies.  (My mother was definitely wrong about TV rotting my
brain.  What was I saying?)

In conclusion, the pumpkin settled down into its patch and then later on became the President of the Local League of Kick-Pumpkin-Throwers'-Butts.  (And you thought that Ichabod Crane and the Headless Horseman were the only perspectives of that story.)

The End.

But not the end of this blog.


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