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Monday, August 22, 2011

How HIM Ruined My Entire Weekend OR How HIM Should Not Be Allowed to Shop at Costco OR How HIM Might Be in the Doghouse

I was going to write about more pumpkin madness.  I even have a cool new pumpkin story with funky pumpkin illustrations.  The creative juices were flowing.

I did not get to write about pumpkins and their weirdly shaped posteriors that have emerged from my garden.

"NO!" You scream.  "How could this have happened?"  I will explain in an amusing and probably caustic manner.  (My MIL recently visited.  When I asked if she read my blog, she said, "I read the one about your neighbor.  It was caustic."  I wasn't sure if I should be a) alarmed, b) insulted, c) complimented, or d) concerned that she would disown me.  It turned out that she liked the caustic.  Well, my neighbors did piss me off.  Anyway, I like caustic and since I can't blog about my MIL, I have to go with HIM, he who made the grievous error of fucking around with my writing time.)

So once upon a time HIM went to Costco.  It was a seemingly benign day.  Low cloudiness.  Low humidity.  The radio was playing, 'Outside' by Staind.  Nearby fluffy sheep were being herded by Little Bo Peep.  (Wait.  The last part was just me.  That was probably a NyQuil induced dream.  Man, I have weird dreams.)

Here is what happened.  I swear.  HIM went by the computer section in Costco and all was lost forever.  (I could say an evil wizard cast a spell on HIM, but that isn't true.  He started making noises at the electronics section and well, you could say that people started to stare.  I just grabbed Cressy and walked away, pretending I didn't know him.  As I hurried off, the clerk said loudly, "Sir, drool is not good for electrical equipment!")
I swear this is what HIM looks like when faced with new and appealing
computer gadgetry or needing a caffeine fix.  Either one.
This is the route that I should have taken to get to the back of the store INSTEAD of going directly by the computer section.
The road that was NOT traveled.
But I was not wise and this is what actually happened.
It was a pretty short trip through Costco.  Or at least it was for
some of us.

Therefore, the new laptop was purchased.  Words were spoken.  They went something like, "I'll update your computer, transfer all the files, and copy over all the music and pictures and badabing, badaboom.  It'll be done in a few hours."  Wink.  Wink.  "Trust me, baby."

Day One: Once the computer was registered and all the bells and whistles had ceased their noise, the transfer of the files began.  The little window on the new computer said, "8 hours, 10 minutes remaining."  It also said, "You may not use this computer."  Also I could not use my old computer because it had the same message on it.  (If I touched either one, apparently sparks would shoot out of my butt and I would instantly combust into a pile of gelatinous goo, or something equally distasteful.)

I was computerless.  It felt like someone had chopped off one of my legs.  One day when the electricity goes out, I'm going to be completely screwed.  Also when we have the Apocalypse, I'm going to die from computer/android/whatsit withdrawal.

Thirty minutes later and the computer said still said, "8 hours, 10 minutes remaining."  I knew my life was over.

Eons later, or actually it was the next morning, it was done with that.  Then the loading of email configuration and software and transferal of licences began.  HIM took a break to take Cressy, our daughter, to Spy Kids 4, which apparently was the best movie ever, according to Cressy.  (It had smell-o-vision.  These little cards with numbers on them.  When the number popped up on the screen, you scratched and sniffed.  One of the numbers was vomit.  And people complain about my writing.  Hmm.  I wonder if I could incorporate scratch and sniff into my next Bubba book.  There could be eau de redneck and dogly sweat no. 5.  Hmm.  Hmmm?  Hmmmmmmm.)  So I basically had to lump it in a mass of discontented, frustration whilst HIM and Cressy gorged on popcorn and smelled strange stuff at the theater.

Day Two: More transgressions occurred against me in the form of preventing me from blogging.  Thoughts of pumpkin stories were quickly disappearing from my head.  Instead a new blog was forming itself in my mind.  It was a blog about people who can't say no to new computers and gadgets.  It was a blog about wasting my time.  It was going to be caustic.  (It was going to be a whole level of causticity.  Look I made up a new word.  It was going to be an erupting MOUNTAIN of caustic displeasure with the computer situation.)

Things didn't improve when I sat behind HIM, saying, "Now what's wrong?" when he grunted at the new laptop.  It didn't help that the laptop kept trying to turn itself off and load new software updates without being prompted.  Then it would stay that way for an hour while I made other noises.  (Sighing deeply, tapping my fingers on the table, wistfully saying, "I wish I could work on my blog.")
This is NOT a prescribed manner to ensure a long and happy
marriage.
Day Three: I woke up and discovered that the laptop was on my desk and benignly appeared to be approachable.  When I turned it on it said this:

Apparently, HIM had stayed up late and fixed 97.5% of the issues.  But I'm sure I'll find the others very quickly.

This morning HIM is texting me with smug, know-it-all messages indicating that he knows that he's managed to slip out of this particular noose with technical ease.  But then he hasn't read the blog, yet.

And thusly, the blogging has been good.

2 comments:

Mac said...

Sounds like you bought a computer with Vista OS.

I'm glad it all worked out.

You're not pithy, but ya crack me up.

Chortle chortle

-- Mac

Carwoo said...

I don't know what it is. My mind kind of goes completely blank when it comes to technology. I can use it but don't ask me to understand it.