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Wednesday, April 13, 2011

The Titalating and Thrilling and Horrifying Story of Mermaid Pirate Girl, er, I Mean Mermaid Ghost Girl, er, I Mean, Mermaid Monster Girl!

As told by Cressy.  Written by Cressy.  Editorial Content by Cressy.  Illustrations by Mommy but greatly influenced by Cressy.  Directed by Cressy.  Everything not implicitly mentioned is by Cressy.  The best boy was also Cressy.

Once upon a time, there was a Mermaid Pirate Girl.  (Those are supposed to be seashells on her nibbles, yes, I meant nibbles, because that's what the 7 year old called them.  I know they don't exactly look like seashells, or nibbles for that matter, but try and go with it.)
Wait, wait, wait.  I was informed that Mermaid Pirate Girl is now...Mermaid Ghost Girl.  (I had no idea that Mermaids turn into ghosts.  When I asked how the mermaid had died, I was told, "It's very sad, Mommy.")
Wait.  Wait.  Wait.  There's been another editorial change.  Mermaid Ghost girl is now...Mermaid Monster Girl.  (Cue scary music here.)  (Those nibbles are starting to look like coconuts with stripes.  Or maybe hand grenades?) (Also, little note here.  At this point in time there were two 7 year old girls and one 6 year old girl in the house and they felt compelled to wander in while I was illustrating and put in their nickel's worth.  In fact one of them wanted to draw the hair on the below Mermaid Monster Girl, and that's why it looks like it does.  I'm telling you, those critics on Amazon and Barnes & Noble have got nothing on 7 and 6 year old girls.)

Then there was a guy in a boat, just rowing along minding his own business.  Let's call him, 'Bob.'  Bob was a fun guy.  He liked to row.  So he went out and rowed a lot.  (I'm thinking that Bob is A) unemployed, B) without a girlfriend and/or boyfriend, or C) slightly weird.)  Also he liked rowing in the ocean.  But Bob didn't know about Mermaid Pirate Girl, I mean, Mermaid Ghost Girl, I mean, Mermaid Monster Girl.  Right, Mermaid Monster Girl.
So la-de-dah, Bob was rowing along, doing his thing, wondering why the sky was blue and why the oceans were bluer.  Also he was wondering how he could get a better deal on a 47 inch flat screen plasma television set so he could put it in the basement where he lived with his dog, Porcupine.  (Long story about Porcupine.  Long, ugly story.)

Bob was suddenly attacked by MERMAID MONSTER GIRL.  (Don't blame me for the color changes on Mermaid Monster Girl; it's the director.  She keeps changing her mind about special FX.)  Anyway Mermaid Monster Girl didn't like dogs named Porcupine or big screened televisions that were plasma.  Furthermore, men who lived in the basement of their parents' houses really fiercely ticked her off.  Bob decided that discretion was the better part of valor and dove into the water.
And Bob swam like a mutherfu-, well, let's just say Bob was highly motivated.  But then so was Mermaid Monster Girl.  She thought Bob looked like he would tell good jokes and be fun to hang out with so she thought, 'I'm gonna grab him and he'll be my bee-yotch.  Also we'll watch the movie, 'Beaches,' together.'

So Bob was making noises that dogs several counties away could hear because Mermaid Monster Girl wasn't explaining anything about Barbara Hershey or Bette Midler.  She was just showing her sharp, fangy teeth and holding up clawy hands while chasing after him.

Just then, Bruce the life guard saw that Bob was being chased by Mermaid Monster Girl.
So Bruce quickly applied a fresh coat of water resistant sunblock to his entire body, not forgetting the tips of his ears or in between his toes.  Then he valiantly jumped into the water to rescue Bob from Mermaid Monster Girl.  And Bruce cleverly used his Mermaid Monster Phuuee Spray to deter Mermaid Monster Girl.  (I bet you didn't know they made spray like that.  Well, they do.  Especially for blogs.)  Mermaid Monster Girl said, "Gee, that stings," and was, thus, deterred.
And so Bob and Bruce lived happily ever after.  (I'm not sure if Cressy realized the connotations here but I said, "WTH?" and went with it.  Happily ever after is happily ever after, after all.

And so Bob and Bruce walked into the sunset.  And don't worry about Mermaid Monster Girl because once she went on a Ben & Jerry's eatathon and got over Bob, she went on to find a Mermaid Monster Boy, or should that be a Merman Monster Boy?, of her own.  (Some say it was Bill Clinton but others said that was all propaganda written by jealous Republicans.  "I did not have a sexual relationship with that Mermaid Pirate, I mean, Mermaid Ghost, err, I mean, Mermaid Monster Girl.")

The End.

Illustrator's note: One day when Cressy is old enough to realize that I'm liberally 'adding' to her literary artistic vision, I'm going to be in a lot of trouble.  But not now.  ;)


Woody said...

Damn, woman! You make me laugh.

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