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Monday, April 25, 2011

MORE KooKoo Bird Madness

The KooKoo Bird business won't leave me alone.  See 'Guilt and Mommyhood OR How My Daughter Got Sick During Spring Break OR How Raising Children is Like Getting Pecked to Death by a Chicken.'

Here's the bird again, in case you missed the previous blog:
KooKoo Bird:
Amazing Toy OR invention created
by a man who wanted subtle revenge
against a pregnant woman
(Lots of Freudian implications here.)
I defy anyone to say that that bird does not look ticked off.  That bird looks miserable.  And an egg comes shooting out of her ass.  Furthermore, the egg may be rammed right back up into her body and it's permanently attached.  Of course, she's pissed off.  Her life sucks.  And here's a demonstration by Cressy on how KooKoo Bird works.  Except Cressy says the egg gets, and I'm quoting, "Pooped out," by KooKoo Bird.  (OMG, this bird needs Metamucil badly or maybe Vaseline.)
All of which makes me think of some of her other weird toys.

And I took photos for clarification.  Behold the rubber chicken.  A rubber chicken of dubious comedic origin...or is it?  No one really knows when the rubber chicken started being funny.  Some comedian said, "Oh, my God, a plucked chicken is hilarious.  I shall use it in my act.  I will swing it about and people will think it funny.  How can I go wrong?"  Should have patented it, bubba.  According to Wikipedia, the authentic resource of impeccable veracity, "A rubber chicken is used as a prop in comedy. The phrase is also used as a description for food served at speeches, conventions, and other large meetings, and as a metaphor for speech making."  Oh, how can I go wrong with using Wikipedia as a source?
The Rubber Chicken in question
There ya go.  From Wikipedia.  Must be gospel.  Or close enough.  But at the end of the article was a section about rubber chickens in the news.  "During the fifth end break (curling's version of halftime and/or a seventh inning stretch) at the 2006 Winter Olympics in Turin, Italy, a man ran across the ice wearing nothing but an online gambling ad and a strategically placed rubber chicken. Chief referee Keith Wendorf tackled the man, and an umpire covered him with a coat before he was led out of the arena by the Italian police."  I like this.

A naked guy with a rubber chicken placed across his schlong while running across the ice!  (At least he was getting paid by doing guileful and cleverly placed advertising.  Of course, I'm thinking NO ONE was looking at his chest.)  (I see two problems there and one involves cold shrinking certain anatomical parts.  The other problem is that how big was the actual rubber chicken?  I hope for the guy's sake that it was a BIG rubber chicken.  You know, comparatively speaking and all.)  Having allowed my mind to go into that lurid direction I felt compelled to look and see if photographic proof existed on the Internet.  And lo and behold, it does.  Here he is.  (For those interested, this is Mark of the Rubber Chicken fame.  His website is and he likes to show his saucier side at large public events.  His parents must be so proud.)
Okay, he wasn't technically neked,
He's got shoes and socks on.  And
the BIG rubber chicken.
Yowza.  What exactly does
that expression on his face mean?
I've stopped to consider how I got from KooKoo Bird and the Magical Pooping Egg to naked guys running across the ice at the Olympics with a rubber chicken placed across their little weenies.

Ah yes.  Rubber chickens.  My kid's weird toys.  My train of thought goes wacky sometimes but I have a lot of help.

So back to the rubber chicken.  We went to Pier I one day.  I like to look in there.  Cressy went in because they have a small toy section.  And because we give her a small allowance, she bought this.  (Hey, it wasn't porn and/or grain alcohol, so I'm thinking it's not negative.)

The Rubber Chicken in question again.
Sorry about the blurry bits but
the chicken kept moving.
Initially I was like, "It's your allowance.  Whateveh."  I mean, I looked at the rubber chicken, but truthfully since I was enjoying a rare moment of mommy shopping in the actual store that mommy likes instead of the stores that Cressy and HIM likes, I didn't really think much about the toy.  Pier I.  Yessirreebob.  I was shopping and looking at things I wanted to look at, instead of Lego's or rocket missile components.  (Wow, the thrills in my life.)

I didn't think that Cressy appreciated the long and varied history of the Rubber Chicken.  After all, Cressy doesn't even know how to get to Wikipedia and I'm pretty sure she missed the 2006 Olympics.  (Her main interests in 2006 included Baby Van Gogh and chasing Siamese cats across the living room while laughing insanely.)  So I asked, "Why do you want that, baby?"  "Because it's funny, Mommy," was her answer.  Ah, simple answers are often the best ones.  I should have asked what she thought was funny about it but I missed that opportunity.

But later when I got home, I heard a suspicious giggling.  I went to enquire as to the state of funniness and she showed me this.

One turns the rubber chicken over
and squeezes.  Great hilarity ensues.
Yes, that is some thing coming out of it's ass.
 Yes, this isn't merely a rubber chicken that can be placed strategically over a naked man's genitalia.  But if you squeeze the poor plucked rubber beastie, out pops a large balloon like object from the vicinity of the rubber chicken's aft area.

Squeezing Rubber Chicken's guts out
or rather, her egg out.
And if one squeezes REALLY hard, out pops that.  See above.  And it's hard to tell from the picture, but that's a little yolk that floats to the top in the midst of a bunch of cloudy white stuff.

I could make a correlation between the KooKoo Bird and the alien-like egg that shoots out of her nether regions and the Rubber Chicken with the rapidly expanding balloon-like growth that pops out when generously squeezed.  But I don't think that Cressy was aware that the Rubber Chicken had that feature when she bought it.  Unfortunately I can't say the same about KooKoo Bird.  (She had seen the commercial and it was on her mind.)  But I can say that KooKoo Bird's popularity has dwindled swiftly once the indecent thrill was gone.  My blogging interest in Rubber Chicken has rekindled Cressy's interest in that toy instead.  Now there's sound effects that go with the exploding ball of white and yolky ickiness that threatens to explode if pressed too hard.  (Cressy's internal reasoning: Mommy thinks this is gross so this is something I should really continue to play with.  Yea, grossing Mommy out!  Maybe I can make her blow chunks.)

Yes, I'm OFFICIALLY grossed out.  But I suppose this is really my fault because I let her buy it.  WTFWIT?

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