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Saturday, March 5, 2011

Oh Where For Art Thou, Whoopie?

I saw this commercial recently and feel, as I often do, COMPELLED to make some comments.  Let us first begin with Whoopi Goldberg.  What an amazing actress and entertainer.  I never watched The Color Purple, but I did see lots of her other ones like Jumpin' Jack Flash, Sister Act, and of course, Ghost, for which she got a best-supporting Oscar.  I liked her in Star Trek: TNG.  Anyone who can host the Oscars, with the exceptions of the two dimbulbs who did it last weekend, can't be all bad.  She gets the center square in Hollywood Square, and that's the prestigious one, btw.  And now she's working on The View sparring with BabaWaWa and the girls.  (I know I'm just scratching the surface because I didn't mention her talk show or her series or the many other things she's done.)  Go Whoopie.

Here comes the compulsion, I know you were waiting on tenterhooks, to make pithy comments.  So out comes this commercial.  Go ahead and watch it.  I'll wait.

Intermission whilst the common reader views the commercial in question.

So now you know.  Famous women throughout history have had a little problem.  They've been having a little *gasp* incontinence.  Shh.  Don't say that word out loud.  Someone might hear.

Oh, the hell with it.  WOMEN HAVE BEEN PEEING IN THEIR PANTIES!  According to the commercial, one out of three have this urinary issue.  That's a lot of women running around with their legs crossed and not in a good way.  (This reminds me of my trip to Spokane or How I Love to Fly in Airplanes or How a Venti Chai Tea Latte Almost Ruined My Personal Flotation Device.  See that blog for those intrigued by a great title.)

So Whoopie does this commercial.  She dresses as the famous women, looks pretty cool doing it, and pushes for these pee pads.  Or maybe pee catcher pads would be more appropriate.  Hey women out there, bet you didn't know that other women have this problem too.  And I'll bet some of you didn't know that there was a special product for it, too.  Not only do adult men get to wear diapers, but so do women who drive from Texas to Florida to murder their lover's other lover.  But now for the woman who has occasional 'splitzes' here's something for you.

Now I'm having to cross my legs together while I decide which compelling issue I want to address first.

I'll start with actors who I refer to as THOSE WHO NEED TO PAY A MORTGAGE NOTE.  Not necessarily Whoopie.  She's making a paycheck.  She's got a solid rep.  I bet she's still got money in the bank even after the recession the government said we didn't really have.  Over the years I have seen actors doing some crappy stuff to make a mortgage payment.  Notable mentions include Lee Majors doing a hearing aid commercial.  Oh, where did the 6 million dollar man go?  (Cue clinky music and slo-mo movements.)  Lee, did the money go down the potty?  Or couldn't you hear when the stocks went down?  Lately Henry Winkler has been hawking a reverse mortgage company.  This is a situation where I sincerely pray that he's getting a break on his personal reverse mortgage, for the sake of all involved.  (The Fonz, whose leather jacket is reputedly in the Smithsonian Museum, would be having a fit.)  Then I remember Cher doing some infomercials on hair care products.  And there's a whole slew of actors who have digressed into doing SERIOUSLY CRAPTACTULAR movies for the Syfy Channel.  Some of these actors really believe that any publicity is good.  (Note to actors/actresses doing regular appearances on the Syfy Channel movies, this is NOT a good place for your career.  Nuh-uh.  Go do a Broadway show, for God's sake.)

Hah.  Go back to arty films.  Take one on for free.  Do a sit-com.  Do a commercial for a cancer clinic.  Write a cheesy BOOK.  Don't do a pee catching pad commercial.  This falls under the WTFWIT? category.  Ten years from now, it'll be, "Hmm, I might have made a tactical error."  (For those trying to keep up: WTFWIT? is What The Fuck Was I Thinking?)  (And the person at the very pinnacle of the WTFWIT? catagory who is surpassing every other stupid individual who ever attempted to corner the market is Charlie Sheen.  Where's Willem Defoe when you really need him?)

So here is Whoopi's personal WTFWIT? chart of the highs and lows in her life.  I think she might be aware of them.
I think most people can follow along.

Now I shall do a comparison for Whoopi to understand.  Doing a Poise Commercial is like if Mel Gibson did a commercial for Viagra, except he does the scene from Braveheart (you know the one where he's doing a motivational speech so his men can get all geared up to do some serious killing.) and he's wearing blue paint on a significant part of his anatomy for emphasis.  (I can picture it and we all know that Mel has NOT been having a good previous twelve months.)

I love you, Whoopie.  Please don't do another pee catching pad commercial.

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