Thursday, April 21, 2016

More Thoughts About the "D" Word OR How Fat Woman Deals With the "D" Word in a Snarky Fashion

So the "D" word news is old.  I've been put on a good food timeout.  I've lost 20 pounds and no one has said anything which is a little depressing, but I have to be realistic.  Regardless, I have to look at nutrition labels everywhere I go.  If I'm really bored I look at how many calories are in the fast food items I can't even touch.  (1/3 Lb. Mushroom and Swiss Thickburger from Hardees's, which has 650 calories in it.  Their 1/3 Lb. Frisco Thickburger has 930 calories.  I couldn't even eat a 1/3 of that in my present plan.)  I worry about sounding like Reformed Diet Fiend.  "Hey, person I don't know," I say to a random stranger in a fast food place, "did you know that has 930 calories in it?  Hey, where ya going?"  Previously I complained about HIM, the man to whom I'm married, and how's he's lost 25 pounds and he's got all kinds of people saying stuff to him.  (Showoff.)

Therefore I haz some shizz to say about what I've learned in the last five weeks.

Anyway, it turns out that if you substitute turkey for some of the meats you can get more bang for your buck.  However, the bang doesn't exactly taste right.  Example: Jenni-O turkey hot dogs.  These aren't actually bad.  They have about 70 calories per dog and they don't taste exactly wrong.  If you put a crapload of mustard on them, you're golden.  (No pun intended.)
It was hot and it was technically a dog, so yes, it was.
The turkey hot dog was our first foray into the wide world of turkey biproducts.
I know this really doesn't have anything to do with the blog, but
I never would have thought to do this with a coffee pot.
Having partially succeeded with the turkey hot dog, we went for the turkey burger.  I believe our reasoning was something along the lines of "But the turkey hot dog wasn't bad."  These turkey burgers are also Jenni-O's, and they're preformed patties that you fry up and supposedly eat like a regular burger.  I ate the first one okay.  I added a towering pile of sautéed mushrooms and onions, baby, and more mustard.  (I'll whisper a little dietary secret about mustard.  The bottle says it has 0 calories.  0, 0, 0, which is good for me.  Someone's probably going so say something about sodium, but I've got a trade-off here, and I'm going with 0 calories.  0!)  (Also mushrooms and onions are like, retroactive calorie foods.  It takes you more calories to prepare them than they contain, and no, I didn't use butter or oil to sauté them.)  HIM liked the turkey burger so much we made it the next day.  But then my stomach said, "Oh, hell no," and I couldn't finish it, probably because it suddenly had the consistency and smell of fried Alpo.  (I never fried dog food, but I had to try some dry dog food kibble when I was about ten because if my dog was eating it then I should too.  Anyone who was a kid with a dog has done this, don't deny it.)
Do you think this woman looks at memes of herself all day long?
And surprisingly there were more memes about turkey burgers than I would have imagined, which meant I have to post them in my blog because...because...the memes have 0 calories, too.  0!
So this guy finally retired.  They sent his
character into space in the commercial.  How degrading.
I bet they didn't send Dos XX's with him.
"In space, no one can hear you scream because there is no beer."
So turkey hot dogs = okay.  Turkey burgers = only when you're starving to death, on a desert island, without any coconuts, and Tom Hanks is unavailable for backup.  (Which sometimes I feel like I am starving to death, but then I think I could eat a turkey burger.  Then I think, "I'm not really starving to death.")
And I got distracted again.  This guy is from Turkey, and I don't
know why it's supposed to be funny, but I liked it anyway.
Next up on the turkey byproduct list was Jenni-O's attempt at a sweet Italian turkey sausage.  (Think a turkey version of a brat.)  (Somewhere there's an underground guerilla group of turkeys who are planning to bomb Jenni-O factories.)
Distracted again.  I would say it was the diet, but it's probably just me.
Then we tried Jimmy Dean turkey breakfast sausages.  You can hear me squealing in the meat aisle when I read on the back that it's 100 calories per serving and one serving includes two sausages.  Two.  (Those people at the supermarket don't like it when I squeal.  I'm not sure what they think is going to happen but it can't be pretty.)
I couldn't find a turkey sausage meme.
Would you look at that picture?
Seriously, who eats kiwi and blueberries at
brekky?  By the way, the diet Nazi in me sez
this is actually showing 1 1/2 servings of turkey
sausage patties, so it's slightly misleading.
Despite the lack of memes in the breakfast turkey sausage arena, the sausages aren't bad.  They only mildly taste like dog food.  (HIM adds Siracha sauce liberally.  I mean he drowns the poor little sausage-y bastards in it, but he also has to add the calories to his app.)  (I suppose if I put cheese on it, slapped some mayo on it, added a fried egg, on top of a toasted English muffin it wouldn't be so bad, but then I couldn't eat anything else during the day, which would suck about 4 PM, whereupon I would likely strangle everyone in the house.  Maybe the neighbors, too.)

So I went looking for recipes and found one for meatloaf.  I decided that I would attempt to make a lower calories version of meatloaf using lean ground beef and lean ground turkey.  Believe me when I say that I added the normal amount of onions to the recipe and then I doubled it because I knew if I didn't it would taste more like dog food again.
I went looking for turkey meatloaf memes and I couldn't find any,
but I did find this picture that someone did for their recipe, so I
will now make fun of it by saying it looks like
a turkey meatloaf fruitcake.
That just made me gag.
My turkey meatloaf wasn't terrible, but it wasn't my regular yummy meatloaf.
So someone got really bored with their turkey meatloaf and
threw boiled eggs in it.  I did not do this with mine.  Maybe
next time.
And I continued to look for memes to amuse myself.
I yam amused.  Also I have no yams.
More meatloafy memes.
I thought I was perverse.  Someone actually
took the time to make a baby meatloaf with
bacon diapers.  This looks uber gross.  I
wish they posted the after it was cooked part.
Finally the Dos XX's guy again.
This has to do with Meatloaf, but not meatloaf.
Get it?  Also, he probably won't have meatloaf
in space, unless it's the freeze dried kind,
which is probably worse than the turkey meatloaf fruitcake.
Anyway, tomorrow we're trying a different type of turkey sausage.  (Think kind of Hillshire Farms smoked sausage except with turkey.)  I don't know.  I hope it doesn't taste like Alpo.

Fat Woman (who might have to rename her blog) out.


violet gaither said...

Caren, I'm sorry, I know dieting is very difficult. I should be dieting (I'm diabetic) but - I just try to eat right. You should try Butterball turkey sausage, you can get it in links and ground and it's pretty good. I use Ronzoni pasta (which is higher in fiber) to make spaghetti and sausage - it's really good. Also, the Jimmy Dean Turkey breakfast links are not too bad. Also, fish, fish, fish - baked fish, poached fish, grilled fish. Baby carrots, hard boiled eggs, cottage cheese with a mango diced into it. Get some Mrs. Dash Lemon Pepper seasoning, it's good on everything.

Carwoo said...

Thanks Violet. Right now is just the get-used-to-it-because-it's-permanent stage. There's so much I just can't eat because it has too many carbs or too many calories, so we've been experimenting with stuff, like turkey. I love fish, too. Tuna fish and cottage cheese have been my saviors. Plus I eat a ton of fresh fruit.

C R Ward said...

I feel for you, I really do. Dieting is no fun at all. I was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes a couple of years ago and not only do I have to watch what I eat, I have to do the whole exercise thing too. One day I just snapped and had a coke float - man, was it good! Now I don't even have sugar in my coffee. *sigh*

saphiraice nightfire said...

Dieting sucks I agree. Have you tried the Advocare challenge? The meal replacement shakes aren't bad I used to blend them with ice to make a shake. I loosely followed it with some tweaks and lost 15 pounds in 30 days. :)

saphiraice nightfire said...

Dieting sucks I agree. Have you tried the Advocare challenge? The meal replacement shakes aren't bad I used to blend them with ice to make a shake. I loosely followed it with some tweaks and lost 15 pounds in 30 days. :)

Peter Varhol said...

Caren, more power to you. While dieting isn't fun, you don't want to deal with losing weight the way I did. The first part was okay - I lost about 12 pounds by becoming a runner, in my late 50s. Then I lost about 20 more pounds when I was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, and spent a week in the hospital more or less unable to eat. I was on a mostly liquid diet for a while, but long story short, I don't seem to have cancer, and am celebrating by running my first half marathon this summer.

I don't know how I missed the new Bubba in April, but I just bought it. It may be a few days, but I eagerly await the new adventures of Bubba.

Anonymous said...

Well done on losing your weight.

Coming Soon - Bubba and the Curse of the Boogity-Boo. Available December 21st, 2018 It’s two weeks until Bubba’s wife, Willodean...