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Tuesday, April 9, 2013

On Shopping OR OH NOES, Fat Woman Went to the Store Again With Her Handy-Dandy Droid

Yes, there may be ranting or a bunch of words that could be construed as ranting.  Oh, the hell with it, I'm going to rant.
I call him, Mr. Cresty.
(I may need help with legal
fees when Crest sues me.)
Recently, as many of my stories begin, I went shopping at Target.  (Also a frequent contributor/participant of my blogs.)  HIM, the man to whom I'm married (Also a frequent contributor/participant/target of my literary wrath.) requested toothpaste.  Having been married to HIM for a number of decades I knew he wanted Crest paste.  Plain old paste.  (No other would do for HIM.  HIM would die, would wither helplessly on the floor of the bathroom, if I had brought home...insert death march music here...gel.)  I went into the toothpaste aisle and stood there for about twenty minutes.

There was an entire shelf of Crest toothpastes and amazingly all of the boxes looked pretty much the same.  There was Crest gel.  Crest with Scope.  Crest with stripes.  Crest with glitter.  Crest with sparkles and glitter.  Crest with a cherry on top.  (You have to take a moment to imagine six feet by six feet of pure Crest products and me standing in front of it as if I had been hypnotized.  I had been trapped by...more death march music here...merchandising.)

Think of this picture except the ENTIRE wall of crest in boxes that all look the same.
I mean I stood there and couldn't find a single damn box that said paste on it.  Now I will tease HIM, for HIM's OCD tendencies are what led me to that sorry state of affairs.  HIM only wants Crest paste.  Not Crest gel.  Not Crest liquid mega-white.  Not Crest that makes you shoot stars out of your butt.  (Idea for Crest, since they already have everything else.)  No, HIM wants Crest paste and I couldn't find it.  I thought about finding a shopping thing (which is what I call the clerks/employees of various stores) but the idea of them staring at me stupidly while saying, "I dunno where that is," just makes my stomach twist into knots.
See. That one is Crest Pro-Health whitening.  Because it can't be anti-health non-whitening.  No that would be insane.
This one was Crest complete extra fresh because all the other Crests are secretly NOT complete.  Maybe they think it's like a secret they're sharing with you.  "Psst, dumbass in the toothpaste aisle, don't buy the just Crest paste, buy the Crest complete extra fresh because the Crest paste is icky-poo-city."  (Note to HIM.)

They also have Crest 3d.  And I believe it was Colgate that has the moniker, optic white.  While I can understand the need for adjectives that enliven and perk up your product, I think these guys are going overboard.  (AN ENTIRE SHELF, FROM FLOOR TO ONE FOOT OVER MY HEAD, filled with various types of Crest toothpastes.  That's a lot of frigging toothpaste.  So obviously they had to get jiggy with the adjectives.)
Crest Sensitivity.  Original formula.  Odd, I didn't know they made other types of Crest Sensitivity.  And look, it's maximum strength for sensitivity.  It's the strongest, sensitive tooth stuff you can buy for your pussy teeth.

Let us now examine adjectives in our life.  Let us now rephrase that.  Let us now flipping examine mother**king adjectives in our bleeping life.  Do advertisers, wait, barglefarping advertisers think that we need colorful, wondrous, tremendous adjectives or else we will not be interested in their bland, underwhelming, boring products?  I think yes.  So why doesn't Crest come in twenty different boxes with distinct color variations?  Because once your mundane, snurglepoofed eyes get caught in the mind-numbing wonder that is the flipperific eyesore of the Crest aisle, they hope you won't look away.  (Or at least until you've bought more Crest stuff.)

Somewhere there is a study where Crest looked to see if people who were trapped in the Crest toothpaste aisle bought more Crest stuff.  (I've gotten tired of using bleeping adjectives, you'll forgive me.)  And now I'm going to make the toothpaste carton talk because I've gotten completely off the sanity train.
See, Mr. Cresty is just a good ol' comedian.
What does this have to do with finding the Crest paste in the toothpaste aisle?  Well, nothing, but it amuses me and there you go.
And an entertainer at heart.  He wants to
clean your teeth AND sing for you.
Anyway I finally found the the very bottom on the left.  There were three tubes left.  Apparently HIM is the only one left in the greater Alabama area who wants to use paste and not gel.  Well, HIM has to have the paste for some reason.  I just wish I hadn't been caught like a deer in the headlights of a speeding car at the Target toothpaste aisle.
Also Mr. Cresty wants to find the right woman.

And there is the end of my sad, toothpaste lament.


Wendy D'Ottavio said...

Oh yes, I hate the toothpaste isle... And the deodorant isle too. My better half has to have his exact brand and type of deodorant because he claims all the others give him a rash!! Imagine the guilt trip that followed that wrong purchase.

Therese said...

Has he even bothered to TRY the one that shoots stars out of butt?