Total Pageviews

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Everything but the Kitchen Sink OR How I Plan to Aimlessly Jump from Subject to Subject (Warned Ya!)

Warning: Changing subjects may occur at a - what was that?  A flying, albino two-headed chicken?  My fingernails need to be trimmed.  I'm making meatball soup today.  What was I saying?  Apologies in advance to unsuspecting vegetarians.  (You'll understand when you get to that part.)

Recently I went to the grocery store, which is usually good for a laugh.  You should go and just look sometime.  You find (well, I find) the oddest things.  But don't fret.  I had my droid and my droid has a CAMERA on it.  (You'd think the employees in the store would be used to people taking pictures of their stuff.  You'd think.)

My first selection goes for comedy relief.  I dare anyone not to laugh at this.  Anyone who doesn't laugh at this is probably dead or your sense of humor is woefully inadequate.  (You poor sorry bastard.)

Yes.  I've got a potty mind.  You know it.  I know it.  Pretty sure anyone reading the blog knows it.  Oh come on.  Someone really put this on a jar and expected people not to comment.  Really?  Seriously?  Really?  (Just think.  Does KFC still use "Finger licking good?"  I don't think so.)  (I can still sing the whole jingle from the seventies.  Supposedly Barry Manilow wrote it before he was a showgirl named Lola with yellow feathers in her hair and a dress cut down to...  "Get a bucket of chicken.  Finger licking good.  Have a barrel of fun.  Goodbye ho-hum.  Come on everyone!  Sing this stupid jingle with me!")

Onto selection number two.  In fact, I found this in the same aisle.  How could I not take a picture of this?
Must I say it?  Must I?  I mustn't.  I didn't make up these labels.  (But I could have.)

In an aisle far, far away (Kudos to the person who automatically got the movie reference.  See, warned you about subject changes.) there was this.  This confused me and I had to READ the label.  I even read the label twice.

I want to emphasize what it says on the label under FriChick Original.  It says, "Delicious Vegetarian Alternative to Chicken."  Then on the yellow label it says, "The Taste You Love is Back!"  If I want to eat chicken I'm going to eat chicken.  I'm now going to offend all vegetarians.  (Probably.)  Eating chicken is practically like eating vegetarian anyway.  And by the way, I didn't know that the taste I love was gone.  What the hell is this stuff anyway?  And also I was not in the vegetarian aisle.  No, I wasn't.  I was in the canned meat aisle, where obviously all thwarted vegetarians go to seek out their delicious vegetarian alternative to chickens.  (Note to people.  I went to Google what the ingredients were to this product and I saw this advertisement, at which point I didn't go any further.  The advertisement on one webpage said, "Canned, fried chicken-like, precooked vegetable protein product that can be eaten right out of the can."   AM I THE ONLY ONE THAT THINKS THAT STATEMENT SOUNDS WRONGITY-WRONG-WRONG?  I cannot be.)

Okay, subject change.  Same store.  Look what they had sitting in the middle of the aisles!  Not only does this store sell groceries and canned, fried chicken-like (that's the part that really bothers me) precooked vegetable protein product that can be eaten right out of the can, but they have CARS, too!  Jeez, what was I thinking going to a car dealer?  (Another handy note here: the kid is not for sale.  But now she wants a green Mustang.)

Yes, the kid is wearing her socks over her pants.
She says it's in style.  I just pretend I don't
know her in the store.
I want everyone to bear witness that these cars were being sold under the guise of MEAT.  (Go ahead.  Look at the photo again.)  That is strangely ironic.  For some stupid reason I could not fit the green Ford Mustang into my shopping basket.  (Note to store: if you want to sell cars in your store, you have to have large enough shopping baskets.)

I think I'm done now.  Onto my meatball soup and how it uses real meatballs, not canned, precooked, fried chicken-like vegetable protein product.


R. Mac Wheeler said...

I have to say...that is one ugly green.

(just say'n)

Anonymous said...

You've been nominated for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award (by me) because you really do inspire me with your outlook on life :-)