I think the move broke me. Maybe it was the heat. All I know is that I don't go outside voluntarily between the hours of 10 AM and 8 PM. Then I prowl the neighborhood looking at other people's houses and thinking, "I could do that to my house." "Oh, my, look what they did with their shutters." "Hey, they've got a waterfall. We could have a waterfall." Then I think about how much that would cost and my brain shuts down again. (I'm caught in a kind of DIY/Home Improvement mind loop that happens to me every time we move. HIM says it's like I'm trying to pee in every corner of the house, except I'm not using pee. HIM is so droll.)
While the new house is a very nice house and not necessarily a new house, it is a house in need of TLC. This, that and the other is broken. Or it's about to break. Or it's screaming with agony. For example, we have a toilet that I have not-so-endearingly nicknamed "Moaning Myrtle." Moaning Myrtle, for those of you non-Harry-Potter fans, is a ghost who haunts a bathroom at Hogwarts Castle. She does moan a lot and not in a good way. So does the toilet upstairs. In fact, it moans and shakes. It makes me think it's about to become a first floor toilet, and also not in a good way. So hey, we bought a new toilet. The new toilet has buttons on it. (I'm impressed.) One button is for peepee and the other button is for poopoo. Imagine trying to explain that to your eight-year-old daughter. It was great fun. ("Why?" "Because peepee needs less water." "Why?" "Because peepee is mostly water." "Why?" "Hey, let's get ice cream." "Why?")
|So this course of thinking got me to wondering what a toilet|
would say, if a toilet could speak, which results in
much blog hilarity. Of course.
|I don't think the toilets in the Y have fun. But then|
the toilets at all the public schools don't have
fun either or the bus stations or the airports.
Toilets are very sad. We need to draw happy faces on
I'm going to melt into a pile of fat woman goo.
|There. Doesn't a little mascara and lipstick and a comedic demeanor|
make that toilet seem happier?
For the person who just said, "But she's crying on the inside,"
I say, "Pfft."