(You might be asking yourself why we didn't just go to the movies but we wanted to explore. Say it with me slowly. Exxxxxxplllloooorrrrrrreee. There's the full effect. We wanted to seek out the new and unusual or the odd or the stuff that would make our asses hurt while there's a 100% rate of humidity. Seriously, HIM told me that Alabama was just like Virginia. HIM was lying like a dog on a hot day on a porch! HIM's pants are on fire. HIM said in his defense that April in Alabama was just like Virginia, but what HIM should have said was that April in Alabama is just like Virginia in July. I need a fire extinguisher for HIM's patootie.)
Where was I? Oh, yes. Caverns. I have been to Carlsbad Caverns thirteen times. (That's another story, by the way.) Also we went to Luray Caverns and Skyline Caverns and there was this cool ice cave in Oregon where my father dragged us when we were little kids. Arnold Ice Cave. I might have to take a break and google it to see if it's still open. (It is but it's not developed and you have to have a GPS to find it plus a coat because the stairs are covered with ice. Also a flashlight with fresh batteries helps.)
Soon we were joined by Gizmo, who was our tour guide. Gizmo didn't have any front teeth and said, "I'm just a good ol' country boy." (Imagine 5 foot six inches of a good ol' country boy with a ZZ Top beard and a beer gut that would make Budweiser proud.) (The National Park Service needs to review it's dental insurance.) Several children hid behind their parents but Cressy felt brave enough to tough it out.
|The man on the left is Gizmo. I couldn't get|
him to smile for the camera but he
did point out a megalodon tooth and
a cave spider. I didn't hear banjo music so
all was well.
We did see the nuclear fallout shelter sign in the cavern. So if a nuke fell we were in the right area. Yea! We would survive nuclear Armageddon. We would protect our cavern from the glow-in-the-dark zombie annihilation to come. We would eat cave spiders and...I'm wandering again, aren't I?
|I took a picture because I wasn't sure if anyone|
would believe me.
|Cressy protects HIM from cave spiders,|
unruly, pre-menopausal college students, and
Swedish tourists. "Ja, a cave, ja." "Jog förstår inte."
"Jag smäller av." (The Swedish people who
read my blog are going to laugh their asses off.)
Gizmo also pointed out a megalodon's tooth in the ceiling of the cave, which looked suspiciously like a wad of black bubble gum to me. There was something about the cave being underwater at one point in time millions of years before and sharks loosing teeth because of poor dental insurance and such, (must be the same insurance company the National Park system uses), but I was too busy avoiding the imaginary bats flying around. (Cressy might have been provoked.)
We sweated a lot considering it was mostly downhill. At the end of the path Gizmo did some tricks with his Maglite (which sounds a lot more dirty that it really was) and the kids went "Oooo," and "Ahhh." He turned off all the lights so that we could see what being in a cave without light was like. Then in complete and utter darkness, someone farted loudly. I suspected HIM but he said it wasn't him. Possibly a college student or one of the Swedish tourists. (The poor bastards probably ate some local cuisine before they came to the caves and were waiting for just the right moment to let it rip.)
Gizmo cut us loose at the end of the trail and basically said, "Hasta la pasta, ya'll." We had to walk uphill about half the way where I collapsed at the entrance to the caverns.
|Finally! We reached the cave entrance again.|
Cleverly I used the ruse of taking a picture as
an excuse to catch my breath.
|See. I didn't make this up.|
And for those of you who are wondering,
those are walnuts on the end of sticks.
|The bat wanted to drink a Screaming Bloody Zombie|
but she couldn't show her driver's license.
|I called the bat a lush plush|
and HIM insisted I take a pic for
the blog. Nice to get the family
involved in my blogging activities.