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Thursday, July 26, 2012

Exploring the Inner Workings of an Eccentric Meanderer OR Stuff I've Been Thinking About Lately

On my mind: Writing, my daughter's hair, my daughter's moron cat's intestinal system, and the local humidity.  Not necessarily in that order.  In fact, definitely not in that order.

On writing: I'm trying to get back in the groove, but sometimes it's hard not to think about what else needs to be done around the house.  (Insulation in the attic, the stopped up drain pipe from the upstairs air conditioner, insulation in my daughter's room.)  I feel like a great big goofy goony bird trying to fix up her nest.  I'm not going to be happy until it's right and I'm not tripping over cardboard boxes every five minutes.  (A personal note to the three women who packed up all of our shizz in boxes and then used extra packing tape like the boxes were Egyptian mummies: please tell me where you hid the wires to my printer, for the love of missing melancholy micromanaging misogynists.  I know that doesn't make sense but it had all the 'm's so I went with it.)  Anyway, just finished one outline and now about to start on another one, so I can start writing next month.  (Yea!  Writing good = crack to my brain.)  (Not that I've done anything remotely illegal like that and I don't mean writing, except it could be illegal in some states.  Probably illegal in the District of Columbia, too.)

On my daughter's hair: Cressy, our angel, got her hair cut short.  She looks adorable.  Doesn't she look adorable?
This kid is totally cute.
But...but...but...but I hate buts.  Of course there's got to be some little walking, talking buttholes who have to ruin it.  The conversation to me went like this:

Her: "Mommy, two boys were mean to me at science camp."

Me: "What did they do?"

Her: "They asked if I was a boy or a girl and then they said I was a boy who was lying."

Me: "Did you tell the teacher?"

Her: "I tried but she wasn't paying attention."

Okay, my problem isn't so much with the walking, talking butthead little boys, although they're bad enough, but with the teacher who isn't paying attention.  (Science camp has a bunch of teenagers who are in charge, which is good and bad.)

Me: "Tomorrow you can tell those boys they're being rude and lots of girls have short hair cuts.  I'll talk to the boss."

Her: "You mean you'll talk to the boys' parents?"

Me: "Oh, I don't mess with the small fish.  I'll just go to the top."

Her: "Okay, Mommy."

The next day the two little boys were in a different class.  It turns out they had other complaints about them.  Cressy was very happy but I have to keep telling her that things like that will happen and it's better just to ignore the people or blow them off.

On humidity: Today the weatherguy said it was 100% humidity.  I'm going "How can it be 100% humidity without it actually be raining or some sort of liquid pouring in from the heavens?"  I do not know.  All I know is that when I went out my hair did something like this, except it didn't look that good.  (HIM's pants are still on fire concerning his tall tale telling on the comparison of the weather in Alabama versus the weather in Virginia.  The local fire chief called yesterday to discuss our ongoing clothing issue and it wasn't a pretty conversation.)
On my daughter's moron cat's intestinal system: I would ask what the stupid cat is eating but I know what he's eating.  I don't think he's eating the various fauna around the house, although last night he was torturing a grasshopper in a very inhumane matter.  I would have called PETA but I don't think they would have appreciated my sense of humor.  (The grasshopper was saying "HELP ME!  The cat's ripped off two my legs and they're the good legs!")  In any case, Megaroy did not EAT the grasshopper, although I'm not sure what he did do with the carcass.  (Eww.)  Yesterday the moron cat took a humongous dump-o-rama in his litter box, which is exactly what he's supposed to do.  Unfortunately the area around the litter box was deemed hazardous and no one could go near it for some time.  HIM made some unruly comment and slipped out the door to go to work.  Haha.  Very smooth.  I went closer, thinking I'd scoop the poop and solve the smelly problem.

But I discovered another problem.  I shall draw a diagram, because it's funny.

The blue box is, in fact, a litter box, in case anyone is confused.
That, however, wasn't what happened.  This is what happened.

For anyone to whom this isn't obvious, the cat has deposited his
smelly load outside of the litter box area because
he's too stupid to put his big gray ass inside the litter box.
I'm pretty sure that his excuse, if he were able to speak,
would be, "I was standing in the litter box, so it's all gravy."
(Also I drew the arrow and bull's eye instead of
drawing kaka because I had to draw a line somewhere.  Get it?)
HIM obviously noticed and hightailed it out of the house before called upon to do his duty (as official scapegoat) to pick up freshly deposited cat doody.

So I got some wetwipes (they were good enough for my daughter's tushie when she was a baby) and I got most of the cat nuggets up with the first try.  I also got a very good whiff while actually holding his dirty sinful business.  (Well, technically I was holding the wetwipes that was holding the doodoo bomblets but I could still tell they were the consistency of microwaved tootsie rolls.)  Then I threw up in the sink.  I literally barfed in the kitchen sink.  Which led me to the observation that my vomit was blue.  Really, I mean bright blue, the color of the sky and I was all "What the hell is that?"  Then I remembered we ate some of Cressy's summer themed Oreos the night before.  (They've got a bright blue middle.  Apparently the dye was long-lasting.  Good thing I'm not going for an X-ray anytime soon.)

The moral of the story is to never eat blue Oreos before cleaning up stinky cat poopoo.


Linda said...

Cressy's hair is adorable. The little boy bullies? Not so much. Makes me cringe to think of how they're being raised. Is it the southern mindset or am I wrong about that one-Cressy handled this well.

TRACEY said...

You are as hilarious as your books. I am the same way with our dogs. My 12 yr old or my husband has to clean that stuff up or I would be throwing up right then and there.

TRACEY said...

You are as hilarious as your books. I am the same way with our dogs. My 12 yr old or my husband has to clean that stuff up or I would be throwing up right then and there.

Andsetinn said...

Interesting, 2 mothers throw up when cleaning animal poo. I see I have to change my opinion that anyone who has changed diapers, on a baby on a regular basis, would be immune to bad smells forever and laugh in the face of all dangers. :)
I looked up 100% humidity. It is when there is so much moisture in the air that sweat does not evaporate from your body.

Carwoo said...

I remember learning how to hold my breath when my daughter was an infant but I don't remember her poop smelling that bad. When I look up 100% humidity it says the place where I live now. It's nice here but jeez I'm going to melt into a puddle of icky sweat goo.

Mitch said...

One of my wife's favorite sayings was:
"Meaner than cat shit."

Carwoo said...

can I use that in a Bubba book?

Anonymous said...

One of granpa's favorite sayings was. "Worthless as a pinch of monkey shit, or Walter Frank". Walter Frank was his nephew and seemed to be that generation's example of how not to grow up. I bet he had a lot of fun.

Sara S. said...

Cressie's hair is absolutely adorable. The rest of her is too, and I don't mean that in any sort of creepy way!

Solution for the kitty kaka problem - get a covered litterbox. They go in and turn around so they can look out the door while they're doing their business. Works great.

My mother used to say "Meaner than cat shit" too. I'm pretty sure she wasn't Mitch's wife. Anonymous' granpa had a good one too, lol!

Mitch said...

You asked:
"can I use that in a Bubba book?"

Consider it yours. Use it as you wish.