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Thursday, May 3, 2012

Reviews Oh, Those Wacky Reviews! Or Other Stuff, Too!

WARNING!  WARNING!  WARNING!  I am not your father, Luke.  You are going to need a bigger boat.  Read my lips, no new taxes!  Also, I will randomly jump from topic to topic because I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown because of the moving extravaganza I'm currently embroiled within.  Just sayin'.

Yes.  My golden rule #35: Thou shall not read of the reviews.  Okay, I break it all the time.  Mostly I'm okay with the reviews.  They tend to be positive with the occasional one that says something sucks or they just couldn't get into the novel.  Mostly, people seem to gravitate toward one series or the other and don't like going to another genre.  (BAD writer!  Mixing up genres!  You're just like Tarantino, except not as violent!  Hmm.  I wonder if that guy would like Bayou Billy.  This reminds me of something I thought about when I saw his last movie, Inglorious Basterds.


I know all of you people didn't see the movie but basically it's WWII and Quentin decided to play revisionist director/writer.  This is cool.  The very best part of the movie is where Brad Pitt pretends to be Italian while doing an Alabaman accent.  Funny as hell.  What does this have to do with reviews?  Well, nothing, but it's my blog and I'm meandering.  After seeing Inglorious Basterds I said to HIM, the man to whom I'm married and who is presently in the most massive doghouse ever constructed outside of the type where one committed adultery with his wife's sister.  No, HIM didn't do that.  I'm just making a comparison so one can appreciate the size of HIM's doghouse and how long I might be able to rant about it.
Wow, am I really getting off the subject.  I said to HIM concerning Inglorious Basterds, "About a year before the movie, Quentin Tarantino is sitting around with Cheech Marin and Robert Rodriguez and eating cheese doodles while drinking vodka shots, saying,  "I really want to make a movie.  Violent.  Sadistic.  Tongue-in-cheek.  Kick-ass.  But I want everyone in the theater on my side.  I want them to leap up and cheer their asses off.  You know, for when someone really evil gets killed in an icky fashion.  Yeah, that's it."  Cheech does a shot and eats more doodles while Robert talks about Spy Kids 6.
Cheese doodles look funny.
So then Quentin muses, "Now who can I kill in a highly disgusting, bloody, gorefest, hot-mess fashion and get away with it?  Hmm.  Republicans?  Democrats?  Boy Scouts?  Richard Nixon?"  Cheech sticks two cheese doodles up his nose while doing a shot and pretends to be a Russian elephant.  Robert discusses El Mariachi for the twentieth time, then he throws a doodle at Quentin's head.  "No," Quentin says, "none of those guys.  And it can't be Hilary Clinton.  Jesus!  No, not Jesus."  He pauses.  "OH MY GOD, I know.  Who can I behead, gut, disembowel, stick fishhooks into, draw and quarter, shoot into a million pieces, spit on, and make their name MUD?"  "Who?" says Cheech, having preformed a Heimlich maneuver upon himself.  Robert shoves ten doodles in his mouth at the same time.  "Oliver Stone!" Quentin yells.  Then his shoulders slump.  "No, not him."  Then he decides it's got to be Adolf Hitler.  And that's the way it really happened.  In my head.  Man, did I get off the beaten track or what?)
Oh, I know, this has nothing to do with Quentin Tarantino or reviews but I couldn't help it.
Reviews.  Back to reviews.  So I'm looking at reviews and I see that on one of my paranormal romance novels, Blood Moon, there's like a gazillion.  (I had to stop to look if gazillion is in my dictionary.)  But they're not regular reviews.  No, it's like this:

***** Cat
Blossomstar is locked out and said that she wants to move camp to garvey (not typo!) first result!

Then:

***** Bramblebit
*she trys to talk still barley breathing*

Then:

***** Patchclaw to blossmstar
R u still rping
 
Lest we forget:

***** Flamepaw
I need a mentor.
 
Also:

***** Sunburst
Can i joun i am a tawny spotted golden she cat with green eyes.

Just a final example:
 
 
***** Cleverheart
Please join revenge clan. We have changed and we are in need of more cats. Our leader, shearstar, will help you. Please join at night first result. We need warriors, kits an apprentices. Please join.

Oh-kay.  I assume that these folks are playing a game using my reviews as a backdrop.  The good news is they like to give me five stars each time so I'm getting high results.  It would seem somewhat skewed, however.  I suppose it's better than if they gave me a one star each time they leave a review/game thing message.
Again, nothing to do with the blog except in a passing reference to HIM and doghouses,
but this is where HIM would be sleeping if he wasn't hiding out in Alabama.
So what the hell, folks?  What's this and can I play?  I have cheese doodles and vodka.  Also I want to watch Kill Bill parts 1 & 2 in a massive Uma Thurman-butt-kicking marathon.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

as long as it's not the Snookie version of a dog house....I would prefer the one with the sundeck. i could drink beer and eat cheese doodles and be gratful that I'm not in a Tarantino movie as the bad guy

HIM

R. Mac Wheeler said...

I love Uma Thurman

Give HIM my best

Love all your rambles.

You gave me several smiles

Andsetinn said...

I get the feeling you could be more positive towards your soulmate, the father of your best child, the love of your life. He is probably not as bad as you make him sound. But then again, everybody needs outlet for their feelings. :)

Carwoo said...

No, HIM is not bad. HIM is pretty good and has a good sense of humor, which is an important requirement for our marriage. But HIM effed up bigtime and must pay in blog material until I thusly bored, probably at least a couple more blogs.

Charolotte Raymond said...

OMG, i just tuned in to your blog. This is fabulous! I am a voracious reader, and unfortunately, you can't write three books a week. THANK YOU FOR THE BLOG!! At least i get some of your humor so that i can giggle most days. I am now on a rampage, reading all of your past blogs. Blog on, my dear. I really want you to be my new best friend!!!!

Anonymous said...

HER and I have made many moves together. Currently in Alabama close to bay. It was a joint decision and has worked out great.

Hopefully the real south will help Bubba and the Lake People live long and prosper.

Kill Bill is good. But I prefer his comedy Pulp Fiction.

Enjoy the books and blog. If move is delaying new releases then keep HIM in the doghouse. Just let it have an AC.

Artisan Originals said...

Hah, I wondered if you read your reviews. I noticed that grouping also when I was looking through your books before snatching them all up because you rock!

I got the impression that the comments were from children abusing the system like a chat room. Apparently anyone can post a review.

Carwoo said...

On B&N anyone can post a review I guess. Not sure what the game is for those reviewers but mostly they give me 5 stars so I guess I shouldn't complain too much.