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Monday, May 14, 2012

My Daughter's Moron Cat

Recently I taunted my daughter's moron cat, Megaroy.  Please understand that I mean no disrespect to morons, but my daughter's moron cat is quite possibly the stupidest cat I've ever encountered.  A few people mentioned that I was being mean to the cat.  (I don't think he understands how to read, but okay.)  (Also I don't think he understands what we're saying besides, "Here kittee, kittee, kittee," which in a Skinnerian fashion he associates with FOOD!)
Megaroy with a viking helmet, showing his GRR face. 
Being close to the mid-century mark, I have had pets over the years, cats, dogs, fish, parakeets, and possibly some invisible ones.  Also some things I would call pets.  (Boyfriends, odd friends, and people who you don't know how to characterize any other way.  This is a joke for those of you who still think I'm being mean to the moron cat.)  My point is that I've had many pets and comparitively speaking, Megaroy is the dumbest one to date.

Basically, I know cats, I've served with cats, and cats have been my friends, and you sir, are no cat.  (Was that scoring off Lloyd Bentsen or Dan Quayle?  Who cares?)  (I once saw Dan Quayle at Fort Bliss, Texas during the first Gulf War.  He was running with a battalion of tankers, which would have been okee-dokee, except the tankers had all been forced to wear "Scudbusters" t-shirts.  I'll explain.  Scud busting was done by Air Defense Artillery and was infamous at the time.  HIM was a Scudbuster.  But these poor bastards had to run with the idiot vice-president, although he didn't accidentally shoot anyone with a shotgun, wearing a t-shirt that didn't even promote their core job skill.  Embarrassing!  Hey, idiot vice-president, moron cat, they should get together.  I wonder if Dan Quayle would like the moron cat as his close personal pet buddy?

I Binged how to give a cat an IQ test and found this site: How Smart is Your Cat?  The clever part about this site is that the human gets to fill in the answers.  No cat interface at all.  And human pet owners are SOOOOO objective.  Oh, what the hey, I'll do it.  Be right back.  And Megaroy scored a resounding 34.  Sounds good right until you read the key.  For 40 and below it says: We do hope you're keeping this cat somewhere safe because he really isn't smart enough to be fending for himself.  Hope he's good-looking or purrs a lot because he isn't the smartest tuna in the sea.  (Poor Megaroy.  If we let him outside he's probably coyote bait.)

BURN!  But then I thought well, maybe I wasn't being objective and picked answers that would predetermine the outcome.  I will look at another cat IQ test.  They have several on the Internet that involves the owner of the cat answering questions and tallying a score like the one above.  Megaroy the Moron does not perform well in those type of tests.

"I'm supposed to do what with what?  You suck."
Therefore there was another suggestion.  This site has an actual test to be performed on a cat and we have all the equipment.  A cat, a hoop, and cat treats.  Cat-Eye Q test here.  Basically, we need to count the number of times it takes the cat to learn how to jump through a hoop.  The higher the number, the dumber the cat.  Using a treat and a cat and a hoop, I begin.

The first time Megaroy sniffs the hoop.  He looks at me.  I define his expression as "Yes, it is a hoop but what is my treat doing in there, weird human with the warm feet?"  Attempt no. 2: He walked through the hoop and got the treat and then lay on the floor and looked at us.  "Why are you not raining treats upon my furry head, human slave?" was his expression.  Attempt no. 3: He went under the hoop and that wasn't exactly easy for him to do because the hoop was about six inches off the floor and he's a 12 inch tall cat.  Attempt no. 4: Megaroy walked off and got into the cardboard box because it was much more interesting.  ( I couldn't get him to come back which means something but I don't know what.)

Here's the scores on the test.  Oddly it does not include Megaroy's score.

Here are the "Eye-Q" scores:

60 or more commands = Sorry, your cat is below average
50 - 59 commands = Your cat is slightly below average
40 - 49 commands = Just your average cat
30 - 39 commands = Your cat is above average
29 or fewer commands = PURRFECTLY WONDERFUL!

Either Megaroy is a secret genius or he's the stupidest cat on the planet.

There was one more test.  The towel test.  Put a towel over your cat.  The faster he gets out from under the towel, the smarter the cat.  (When I told my MIL about this test years ago, she asked, "Does the cat have to be awake?"  I said, "Yes, the cat needs to be awake."  Part of the whole intelligence thing and all.  Well, I said other things, too, mostly about my MIL, but I won't repeat them because it's mother's day.)  (Whoops.  I broke the Thou-Shall-Not-Blog-About-the-MIL commandment.  I'm a bad, bad girl.)

I placed the towel over the cat's head.  The cat said, "Mmmrr?"  The cat sat there for a minute.  He moved around a little.  He said, "Mmmrrr?" again.  He laid down.  Then he got up.  About a minute later, he finally found his way out.  Ideally, the cat should get out from under the towel in under five seconds.  It took Megaroy about two minutes.

I can now officially and without guilt call Megaroy a moron.
Cressy wanted to be in on all the kitty action,
but she wouldn't let me do the kitty IQ test
on her.


Sara said...

His Honor, Megaroy, here -

What these IQ tests are not taking into consideration is the fact that We Cats are not dogs! Dogs do tricks like jumping through hoops. We prefer to not bring ourselves down to their level.

Have you not yet noticed that We Cats are the ones actually training you lowly humans? Look at all the things you have learned since I came to honor you with My presence. You have learned to keep My bathroom clean (and woe to you if you do not). You have learned to deliver breakfast promptly (or be tripped), and you have been trained to buy the proper kind of treats. Teaching you humans is difficult work, that is why We Cats must sleep so much!

As for getting out from under towels, perhaps We LIKE being under towels! Our Sister-In-Fur, Rosey of Wisconsin, takes towels off the bathroom rack so she can sleep under them.

You really should thank your lucky stars that We Cats pity you enough to let you place things on Our heads. You think you're making fun of Us, but little do you know, We believe in payback! When you least expect it, expect it.

Now get Me some catnip.


Carwoo said...

Yep. I'm whupped. But honestly today his dumbness got trapped under the clear plastic that I'm using to cover the stuff in my daughter's room. He forgot how he got under there and was looking at me through the plastic going, "Mrrr?" That was before he decided to paw-paint the walls and run down the hallway trying to get the paint off his paws. I'm going to go take a break now.

R. Mac Wheeler said...

Megaroy sounds a little like my Golden-mix

Carwoo said...

We have friends who have Goldens and they call them their "dumb blonde dogs." Not my quote!

Dragonfly Dreams said... had me at Hello...I laughed all the way through this! Bravo!