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Thursday, January 26, 2012

Things I Got Tired of Telling My Daughter in the First Week of Her New Pet

I don't even need to explain further.  I'll just launch into the things.

  1. Don't carry the cat like a potato sack.
  2. The cat doesn't need a string around his neck, for multiple reasons.
  3. Don't shine the laser pointer light into the cat's eyes.
  4. When the cat makes that noise, yes that noise, he isn't happy.
  5. Yes, the cat's teeth and claws are sharp, aren't they?
  6. The cat doesn't need to eat chocolate.
  7. The cat doesn't need to eat french fries.
  8. The cat doesn't need to eat cheese.
  9. The cat doesn't need to eat Captain Crunch cereal.
  10. The cat doesn't need to eat (insert various child's food item here, you pick).
  11. The cat doesn't need to eat yarn.
  12. The cat is running away from you because he doesn't want you to pick him up by his butt.
  13. Please feed the cat.
  14. Please feed the cat.
  15. Please feed the cat.
  16. Feed the cat.
  17. If you don't feed the #$%^!!! cat I'm going to do something awful.
  18. No, I won't tell you what awful thing I'm going to do.  I'm just going to do it.  And it will be awful.  (Taking away the allowance and/or favorite toys for those of you who think I might abuse my child.  Believe this is AWFUL to her.)
  19. Please scoop the litter box.
  20. Please scoop the litter box.
  21. Please scoop the litter box.
  22. Please for the love of St. Peter, scoop the litter box.
  23. I'm going to put the litter box in front of your bedroom door so you have to step around it every time you come and go, so you'll remember to scoop it.
  24. (To HIM, the man to whom I'm married and who recently revealed to me that he's been secretly coaching our daughter to ask for a frickin' cat for the last six months.  "Tell Mommy you want a cat."  "Tell Mommy about the cat again."  "Yeah, Mommy's had a rum and coke, get her now.")  No, I didn't remind our daughter to scoop the poop for the fiftieth time.  You do it.  (This was dripping with sarcasm, in case anyone missed the implications.)
  25. (To HIM, who laughed about his furtive need to also get an effing cat.)  I wonder if the litter box scoop would fit into a certain hole in your body.
  26. (To HIM) The cat's farts smell like decomposing corpses.
  27. (To HIM, who gets up at 5:15 am and the cat has decided he shall get up with HIM and therefore, EVERYONE in the house should get up, as well.)  I hope something integral rots and falls off, you rat bastard.  (Not really, but it sounds good when I'm cranky because I've gotten less than my normal amount of sleep due to a three pound lump of fur sucking up the majority of my side of the bed and caffeine hasn't magically been introduced into my blood system upon arising at 5:20 am.)
  28. (To HIM in a whiny voice) Why can't the cat sleep on your side of the bed?
Anyway, the cat's going to want revenge one day.  Just sayin'.

Picture by Doheth.  See here.


    Mac said...

    bwa ha ha

    sarah said...


    C R Ward said...


    Carwoo said...

    I love evil scientist laughs.

    Gail said...

    Yeah, well, my HIM's cat, Dexter, sleeps with his head against my HIM's face, and his butt against ... well, YOU figure it out.