The Real Bubba 3 OR How I Let My Daughter Tell Bubba's Story OR This Isn't Really What I'm Going to Write But It's Still Damn Funny!

Spoiler alert: After writing this, it dawned on me that some of you might not have read both of my Bubba books.  *Gasp*  (Bubba and the Dead Woman and Bubba and the 12 Deadly Days of Christmas.  Shame on you.)  If you haven't read the second one, then the following blog contains a little spoiler about the plot in that.  Don't read this.  Go buy the second Bubba book, Bubba and the 12 Deadly Days of Christmas, and read it.  Then come back and read this blog.  There.  Long-winded, but jeez, it had to be said.  (And what the hell were you thinking not reading both Bubba books?)

Well, I think the title of the blog could be a little longer.  (Let me cogitate about that.  I might be able to add some more words.)  Hell, I might as well go for the Bulwer-Lytton award.  (It was a dark and stormy night when Bubba fell on his butt, chewing bubble gum, whilst singing, 'Over the rainbow,' in his best Judy Garland imitation, and said, "Oh, fiddlysticks, I've lost the rhythm.")  (For those of you who need to understand what the Bulwer-Lytton Contest is, go here.)

Bubba and the Missing Woman's
cover as envisioned by
Cressy.  Possibly this should be
called Bubba and the Terrible Tree.  Or
Bubba and the Shocking Shrub.
Maybe Bubba and the Sickening Sprout.
I wonder if she saw my earlier blog
about the tree monster movie.
Possibly I was too verbose.
Nawwwwwwww.  Not me..

Attention Bubba fans.  This isn't what is going to happen in the third Bubba novel.  This is what happens in my daughter's head.  I will explain.  At night when we tuck her in we ask her what she's going to dream about, and then she asks us what we're going to dream about.  (Lately, I've been dreaming about Bubba 3.  This is a common occurrence for me.  It'll be on my mind consistently until I've finished the 2nd draft.  Sometimes I get cool ideas from dreams, especially after I take cold medicine.  (Weird dreams.  I have a theory about cold medicine causing very strange dreams.  You ever notice that after ingesting a little NyQuil?  Hey, you know what I'm talking about.) .)  (Somewhere, some grammar Nazi is cursing me for putting parentheses within parentheses but I say oh, go for it.  It's my blog and I'll do what I wanna do. Me like bad grammar and shitty punctuation.,:;.  Hahahaha.  Also bad language.)

Back to my daughter.  One night I asked Cressy, my daughter, what she was going to dream about.  "Oh, a giant dragon who flies down and plays with me.  He's not a bad dragon.  He's a good dragon.  No, he's a she.  She's purple.  And she sparkles.  Also she likes ice cream.  And she eats the nasty boy who told me I couldn't dive off the diving board at the pool with my goggles on."  (We had an issue with someone at our pool.)  (In any case, it goes along this vein for quite some time.  Sometimes it becomes almost like a novel and I'm certain that this child was NOT exchanged for another child at the hospital nursery.  No changelings in my house, by God.)  "Hey, Mommy, are you asleep?  What are you going to dream about?"

So I tell her that I'm working out in my head what happens to Bubba, my character from my novels.  He's got a girlfriend and she's missing and he has to find her.  Like many plots, I have to create devices and think of situations that will be entertaining and mysterious.  Not that I used those exact words to Cressy.  She's seven, as I've said repeatedly.  Mysterious to her is yelling boo around the corner when she's already giggled loudly and given her position away.  Mysterious to her is disappearing her favorite toy after I say, "Look up in the sky!"  Mysterious to her is how shrinky-dinks get smaller in the oven when they're baked.  (Okay, okay, you get the picture.)

Cressy digests that information for about thirty seconds.  Then as I'm about to tell her to sleep good and leave the room, she nails me with, "You know what, Mommy?"  My response is usually, "No, honey, I don't know what."  But she doesn't always get that I'm making a joke.  In this occurrence, she said, before I could say anything, "I know what happens to Bubba."

And away we go.  (Remember, Cressy's perspective and her story.)

In Cressy's version, Willodean is apparently as dumb as a box
of hammers.  Where does she get this?  I do not know.

A giant tree has eaten Willodean.  That's why she's missing.  It's a very nasty tree.  It snuck up on her and snatched her up.  Then it swallowed her down and disappeared her.  So Bubba's looking everywhere for her.  OH, NO!

What will happen to Willodean?  Will the tree monster keep her inside it forever?  Will Bubba never know what happened to Willodean?  ("Mommy, I think her name should be Jennifer or Charlotte.  Those are prettier names than Willodean.")

So Bubba is hunting for Willodean.  And there's an evil scientist who wants to have Willodean for his...girlfriend.  So he made a tree monster.  (I think Cressy's telling too much back story here, but she's only 7 so we have to give her credit for creativity.)

You know, I had waaaaay too much editorial advice on this one.
HIM and Cressy were lurking behind my shoulder giving
sage recommendations and guidance.

"Go," the mad, evil, nutty-as-a-fruitcake, missing-a-beer-from-his-six-pack, silly scientist had said to his tree monster.  "Get the cute girl and eat her up, so that she will be my girlfriend."  (I wonder if Cressy thinks this is how all boys get girlfriends.  Mental note: mention how Daddy and Mommy...dated.)  Then the evil guy laughs an evil laugh in an evil manner.  (Can you tell that the writer in me is elaborating on Cressy's original story?  I can't help it.)

More commentary from the peanut gallery.  Cressy: "Mommy, why is that man
laughing so hard?"  Me: "Remember this is the story you told me?"  Cressy:
"Oh.  Well, I think that you should have another blog about an evil man
who laughs like this."  Then she demonstrates.  "Bwwwaahahahahaha."
And it's actually a really good evil laugh.  Good training.

Anyway, the evil tree goes to get Willodean.  ("Mommy, can we rename her?  I mean, like something really good?  Emerald?  Or Princess, maybe?"  These are the names of two of her favorite stuffed animals at the moment.  One is a humming bird and the other is a python.  Oh, my life.)

Hey Bubba and Willodean fans!  Don't worry!  This didn't really
hurt Willodean.  She was wearing her bullet proofed vest AND, more
importantly, Cressy said she wasn't hurt.  "Don't worry, Mommy,
Willodean wasn't really hurt by the tree monster."

 Bubba looked and looked and couldn't find poor Willodean.  The tree monster had her inside of it.  Very sad.

See.  Willodean all unharmed.  Just pissed off.  Who wouldn't want
to hang out inside of a tree monster?

And then what happened was that Willodean got very tired of being squished inside the tree monster.  She started yanking on the tree monster's roots and she tied them all into knots.  And the tree monster cried, "OH, NO!  Not my roots!"

I really like that Cressy has Willodean rescue herself.  In my version
she would have shot out its eyes and used the tree branches to roast marshmallows.

Tying the roots together made the tree monster weak and it fell over and let her go.  Bubba then found Willodean and they were happy.  (I love a happy ending.)

Cressy thinks that playing Legos together is the ultimate form of
friendship.  Should be an interesting discovery for future
boyfriends.  (Did anyone notice that Bubba and Willodean
are walking off into the sunset together?)

In conclusion:  This does not happen in Bubba and the Missing Woman.  Also, I'm not hinting, foreshadowing, or giving clues.  This happened in my daughter, Cressy's, mind.  Only.  I thought it was funny, as I usually do, and thought it needed to be remembered for posterity.  Or at least for my posterity.  However, if I can work the Lego's line into the real book, I will.  I love blogging.

And oh, yeah, I've been reminded to tell the readers that the evil scientist gave up his evil ways and found a girlfriend at the local Wal-Mart instead.  HEA and all that jazz.