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Monday, March 24, 2014

Fat Woman Watches a Movie OR There Will be HUGE HONKING SPOILERS!

Warning:  If you haven't seen The Conjuring and you want to see The Conjuring and you know that you will just die if you don't eventually see The Conjuring and you want to avoid knowing what happens in the movie and you want to avoid run-on sentences, then don't read any more of this blog.  YOU HAVE BEEN...WARNED...WARNED...WARNED...(You have to imagine it echoing in your head like you've just been to the mysterious gypsy in the wooden panel wagon and she just gave you some news about your family that you would rather keep to yourself.  Kind of like when the doctor tells you, you have genital warts except in a literary, obnoxious, know-it-all manner.  Yeah.  That.  Exactly.)

So recently I finished a novella and my burned out mind needed a break, so I sat down one day and perused the movies on the premium channels.  I like horror and sci-fi movies so I saw the listing for...dah...dah...dummmmmm....The Conjuring.
I mean, that's a horror movie, right?  Creepy farmhouse.  Creepy tree.  Creepy hangman's noose on the tree.  Creepy shadow on the ground that you don't notice until I point it out.  It's screaming that it's a horror movie.  SCREAMING!

Now here's the actual description from www.imdb.com : Paranormal investigators Ed and Lorraine Warren work to help a family terrorized by a dark presence in their farmhouse.

Pretty simple, right?

Let's now do my version: A family buys a creepy farmhouse and strange shizz starts happening.  Since they're basically stupid people, they don't get out, they stay and the shizz starts getting worse.  Also they play a hide and seek clapping game that is GUARANTEED, can you give me an amen, to come back later in a paranormal fashion in order to personify the phrase "cheap thrill."  Don't forget to wear your Depends.

My version is much better.  I even have a catchy tag phrase for the movie poster: You should have known better than to buy the evil farmhouse, dumbasses!

First we're introduced to Ed and Lorraine Warren who are investigating a possessed doll.  Two girl roommates had a doll which started moving around the apartment while they weren't there.  The girls found out that someone had died in the apartment and they told the spirit that it could stay in the doll.  The paranormal investigators, Ed and Lorraine, say, "What the he-ell?  Why did you do that, dumbasses?"
Poor Chucky.  He was really
just a psychopathic Pinocchio.
Right?  Except his nose didn't
grow and he didn't have a cricket bud.
It turns out that the doll is now inhabited by a demony thingy that likes to leave crayon messages all of the place.  This segment of film is designed to let us know that Ed and Lorraine are serious demon hunting badasses and know the difference when a possessed doll is just freaky and when it's got a demon in it.
What does this have to do with Ed and Lorraine?
Nothing but I thought it was funny.
I should write a horror movie set in
a Walmart.  All the employees disappear
from the checkout lanes and you're left
standing there with a full basket.
Wait, that's not made up.
So then we hop to the Perrons.  This is a family who buys a farmhouse.  The dad is played by Ron Livingston, which freaks me out because I know him mostly from Office Space and I can't see him without thinking of Gary Cole as the uber evil boss and Stephen Root as Milton.  (I had to stop to look for my stapler, and now I have to stop before I do a movie within a movie.)  Anyway, Ron Livingston is the dad and he's all like, "We bought a foreclosure and we don't know anything about it."  This statement is actually Hollywoodese for "We are now fucked."  (That makes me think of singing to the tune of "If You're Happy and You Know It, Clap Your Hands," except with my words "If you're fucked and you know it, clap your hands."  Get that tune out of your head now.  And these words are particularly apropos because of the hide and seek clapping game the kids play in the movie.)

Anyhoo.  The Perron family buys a farmhouse and their dog won't come in the door.  Another big freaking clue for the clueless.  If your formerly friendly, happy, good-to-go, best pet ever won't go into your new house, it's probably best if you don't go in, either.  Just sayin'.  It's like the rule.  Then of course, you have to know, as a random horror movie connoisseur that the dog just put a big target on his head.

The Perrons also has four daughters.  Four daughters.  I mean, that's like the ultimate formula is killing folks off.  One daughter in a horror movie = certain death.  Two daughters = one will probably die.  The other one will probably be the killer.  Three daughters = one will probably die.  The other one will probably be the killer.  The third one will be the one who trips and falls running from the killer.  Four daughters = bad shizz is coming.  Simple rule.  FFS, throw a boy in the mix so he can be possessed and twirl his head a la Linda Blair.

Then one of the daughters finds a creepy music box.  You know that it's creepy because when it plays the clown head pops up and down and we all know about clowns, don't we?
John Wayne Gacy pretty much spoiled
everything for all the other good little
clowns.  Stephen King might
have helped out in that respect, too.
And there was another horror movie rule blaring out at the audience.  If one of your daughters finds a creepy music box, it's not good and you should probably leave now.

Then the daughters are playing the hide and seek clapping game.  One daughter is blindfolded.  The others hide.  The blindfolded one gets the others to clap so she can be guided to them.  All bad news, of course.  This is the big plot device rule coming to play here.  The movie director and writer are saying, "Look at this cute game.  It's so cute.  Isn't it cutesy-wutsy-woo?  Not after we're done with it."

Of course before they get to that, the dog dies pretty much right away.
And those pesky Perrons are still ignoring the signs.

Two Perron daughters are in one room and something is tugging on their feet in the middle of the night, which is always bad news.  Here's the scene.  Two girls are in bed.  One gets her feet tugged on by something.  She looks around, blames her sister.  Her sister is all like "WTF?  No, I di-int."  Then it tugs the first sister really hard.  So what does she do?  She looks under the bed.  Of course, the audience is screaming "DON'T LOOK UNDER THE BED, DUMBASS!"  (Maybe that was just me.)  But it's not really under the bed.  (The director/writers fooled us.  Well, they fooled me.)  But the thing is standing behind the door.  The other sister, suspecting malfeasance on the part of the tugged sister, goes by the door where there is a huge black shadow, and the tugged sister sez, "It's standing right behind you."  Then the door slams, leaving complete blackness and screams commence.  Of course mumsy and dadsy come running and tugged sister says that something evil and ghostly is in the house.  (I didn't get the words exactly right.)  In my mind, I'd be thinking, "Who the eff is in the house and where the eff is my shotgun?"  I'm not sure how the two sisters jumped to the conclusion that something tugging on their feet and standing behind the door HAD to be evility.  But maybe the audience needed to be clued in.  (I di-int.)

We'll pause for a humorous LOL:

Of course, things go downhill.  The Warrens are called, because everyone knows that you have to call the Warrens when things be tugging on your feet in the middle of the night.  Seriously, they have the big ad in the Yellow Pages about nocturnal feet pulling.  It's really a big problem in some creepy, haunted farmhouses that stupid people move into.  (I never moved into a big creepy, haunted farmhouse that nocturnal feet pulling wasn't an issue.  Right up there with mice and spider webs.)

It turns out that the Warrens have a daughter too, and she's impacted long-distance by the creepy farmhouse ghost.  Also the doll from the first part comes into play.  Also some witch called Bathsheba was hanged at the Perron's tree in the front yard.  Some other kids were killed, too.  This is why you should always look into the history of a foreclosed house that you are desperate to buy and you happen to have four nubile young darlings who are ripe for demonization and/or foot tugging.

But the Perrons aren't done yet.  There's a scary game of hide and seek and clap, where the demon witch ghost thingymajig gets all involved.  Maybe the ghost just wanted to play but doesn't have the right social skills.  These movies/demon hunter/investigators are just SO judgmental.

Time for another LOL break:
Not only is this LOL slamming scary movies but Crocs, too.
Now I have to try and remember which horror movie had
the hockey mask guy.  (Thank God for Google and/or Bing.)
Then the mother of the Perrons gets all possessed and things go really south.  Of course, the Warrens come to the rescue and it's all about being good mothers because the ghost/demon thingy, Bathsheba, (I think she was really pissed off about her name) was not a good mother.  In fact, she was a very bad mother.

Problem fixed.  Ed Warren takes the creepy music box thing home to put in his display of things-that-should-not-be-in-normal-people's-houses, because we know that he'll take care of business if it goes all nuclearly demonic again.  (The room is blessed once a month by a priest AND more importantly, the door to the room is kept locked with a sign on it.)

In conclusion, I would say watch it but don't take it seriously.  Also eat some buttered popcorn and feel free to drink shots of tequila for every time you wonder if some scary shizz is about to happen.

Sometimes I wonder why I watch these kinds of movies.  I didn't even get a good nightmare out of it.  (But the hide and seek and clap thing wasn't too bad.)

Bonus question: how many times did Fat Woman actually use the word "creepy" not including this one?

1 comment:

Sandy Mentecki said...

OMG, The Conjuring is one of my favorite movies. I've been so obsessed with it since it's been showing on Cinemax that I've watched it about 8 times in the last week. Love your re-telling!