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Monday, December 3, 2012

Insomnia and Other Random Subjects OR Warning, There May Be Randomitivity OR Made-Up Words

Sometimes I have bouts of insomnia.  This usually make me grumpy and drink more tea.  I have illustrated a definitive picture.  (I have used this picture before in connection with HIM, the man to whom I'm married, because HIM seems to have a problem understanding why a lack of sleep would impact EVERYTHING IN THE ENTIRE FREE FRICKIN' WORLD.)

Two nights ago, the insomnia finally peaked.  I was sleeping peacefully (for a change) and I was woken up.  Yes, woken up.  WOKEN UP!  By forces who should have known better.  I will tell the terrifying and awful and melodramatic story.  Because I have to and I'm compelled.  Also I need to blog about something.

I was sleeping.  On the bed.  (I don't usually sleep anywhere else but there is a recliner in the living room that isn't bad.)  I do not know how but my butt was hanging off the side of the bed.  (It's a psychological mystery.  Maybe a physiological mystery.)  It is, after all, a king-sized bed and we have plenty of room.  (However, there are times when a fifteen pound cat and an eight-year-old girl can hog the holy living hell out of that king-sized bed.  Another metaphysical mystery.  Kind of like those moving rocks in Death Valley.  Exactly the same thing.)  (I told you randomness was involved.  If you didn't believe me, then I'm sorry for you.  Was that a pink duck playing pinochle with Fidel Castro?  No, just my eyes.  I totally need to see the eye doctor.)

Ass hanging off the bed.  There ya go.  Back on track.
I know I misspelled a word.  Maybe more.  Oh, the hell with it.
Anyhoo, there I was, sleeping with my tuckus hanging off the bed, when suddenly I felt something patting my butt.  Since I was happily sleeping, (mostly at that specific time) it did not occur to me that it was a paranormal event kind of situation.  (I'm thinking paranormal entities would go after the kid first in my house, you know, if it was like a movie.  Or maybe after HIM.  Fat Women would totally be at the end of the list.) (I have recycled the reason why below.)

So something was patting my ass and I thought, half-asleep, "Baby?"  But Baby (AKA HIM AKA Snookums AKA Some other stuff I don't dare blog about) snored from all the way across the king-sized bed, way farther over than his hand would reach.  And something else went, pat, pat, pat from the floor side of the bed, where my gluteous maximus was cantilevering off the bed.

Since the kid had strep throat this weekend, I thought, "Cressy?"  But I looked and there was no almost-about-to-puke-kid standing there, letting me know that she had bypassed one bucket and two bathrooms to inform me of her impending need to vomit.  (This really does happen.  Mommies everywhere know about this.)

Instead there was another pat-pat-pat and a "Mrrrw?"  And being on the way to all-the-way-awake, I looked and saw this:
Wouldn't you have screamed like a little girl
if you'd seen this looming over the side
of your bed at 4 a.m.?  Yes, yes, you
would have.
As soon as I moved, Megaroy the Moron Cat plunged for the hallway, happy that he had woken me up and that I would likely go downstairs and feed his portliness.  The moron cat had learned a new trick.  Later I plan to show him a trick with a butcher's knife or possibly the locking-his-dumb-ass-in-a-room-by-himself trick.  Either one.


R. Mac Wheeler said...

The important lesson here is to keep your butt where it belongs.

Hope Cressy is feeling better.

Mr Lonely said...

visiting here with a smile. take care.. have a nice day ~ =)

Regards, (A Growing Teenager Diary) ..

Bonni Holiday said...

I suppose that a pat on the fanny is better then numerous claws digging into you like a multi-vaccination session.

Bonni Holiday said...

I suppose that a pat on the fanny is better then numerous claws digging into you like a multi-vaccination session.

Mary Wilson said...

you know, to be fair to the cat, he kept his claws tucked away. my cat does a similar thing. when you are standing, she will stand on her hind legs and tap the butt. she also waits until i light a ciggarette, then jumps in my lap, ending with her eyeball a breath away from the lit end. whats up with that?