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Thursday, November 10, 2011

S**T People Ought to Know OR Oops, She's Sharing Again and Not in a Good Way

Events happening in my life.  1) I'm trying to polish up Bubba and the Missing Woman, 2) I'm experiencing a visit from an in-law, and 3) the magicalness of a visit from the physiological fairy of femaleness has descended upon my entire body.  (If you cannot figure out #3, talk to your mother, sister, girlfriend, wife about it.  She'll explain it.)

Warning: Men may be appalled by this blog.  But if you happen to be a man reading this far and if you want valuable, need-to-know information and a strong constitution, then read on.  However, be prepared to have too much information imparted from a female perspective.

My daughter, Cressy, was watching a show about super novas on the science channel and it turned out the knowledge from the show was extensively valuable and insightful in understanding the feminine mystique.

Okay, stick with me.  I'm about to meander down a shaky train of thought.  (Seriously, this is the metro that goes through the twisty turns and under the river without rhyme or reason.  Often it will stop for no reason and then something bad happens.)

Isn't this a funky train?  Pay special attention to the red eyes of the
train engineer.  It's a clue...

HIM, the man to whom I'm married, went with me to Walmart yesterday and slug-a-bugged me for a yellow VW Beetle.  I immediately retaliated by kicking him in the ankle.

HIM said, "Why'd you do that?"  (The kick wasn't that hard so he wasn't really harmed or alarmed.  Initially.)

I replied, "I warned you my period started."  (Most women are saying, "Oh, of course.  I understand completely now.  May I suggest the completely justified use of a bazooka on HIM?")

"So?" HIM said.

"Do you remember the show Cressy watched about how a star shrinks and shrinks, compressing all that mass into an insignificant portion of its former self and then blows right the eff up?"

"Yes," he said warily, sensing a trap.  He'd watched it, too.  (Cressy had really gotten into that particular show.  Little does she know how it will impact her later in life, specifically around the ages of 12-50.)

"Imagine my uterus doing exactly the same thing.  Universe = uterus.  Uterus = universe.  Same exact thing."  (I imagine I just lost about five men here who clicked the red x when they read the word, uterus.)

The horror in HIM's eyes was nearly palpable.

There.  A perfect metaphor for that inexplicable time when women go through 3-5 days of discomfort, hormonal surges, and other yuckiness that doesn't need to be explained.

I warned HIM and he slug-a-bugged me anyway.  He had to pay the piper.

Universe = uterus.  Remember, men.  This is a basic truth.


Jo said...

Which also explains the black hole where all the positive emotions go until it's all over...or until they damned well feel like coming back...whichever happens first.

Carwoo said...

Yeah. That's what I'm talking about.