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Monday, November 14, 2011

Iz Takez Another Tripz to Target OR How Your Brain Melts in the Toy Section OR How I Haven't Yet Squeezed All the Milk Out of This Particular Carton

Yes, there was another trip to Target.  Accompanied by my only child I quickly found myself in a wretched predicament.  There was no escape.  I could see the haunted expressions on the faces of the other parents similarly trapped.  They looked at me as if I could help them escape but it was too late for all of us.

We were in...the TOY ZONE.  (Cue Rod Serling here.)

One would think that I'd pretty much siphoned the cow dry on the toy humor but I've got pictures and lots of commentary to prove that, in fact, I have not.

Oh, where to start?  I'm obliged to comment.  I can't not comment.  I'm pretty sure not commenting is a crime in twenty states.  Also it gives me itchy feelings down under and I'm not talking about Australia.

Evidence piece number 1:

We were in the Lego aisle.  Lego's loomed at me from all sides.  There were Toy Story Lego's, Star Wars Lego's, Atlantis Lego's, Lego's that I didn't give a poop about, and then there was the Alien Invasion Lego's.  I cannot help but wonder what wondrous brain came up with this one?  Was this sterling example of toy inventiveness perhaps also the owner of an aluminum foil hat?  Wait, there's more because even Target noted something about this set that I did not.

Yes, right there next to the 29.99 it says Lego ABDUCTION set.  It's on the little label attached to the metal shelf.  You see, even Target knew something was amiss and labeled it accordingly.  (And by God, it says UFO Abduction on the front of the box.  See the first photo.)  See those pictures on the box.  It shows a little Lego figure being abducted by the alien ship.  Just like that.  So much for aluminum foil hats, suckers.  (HIM commented that this set needs duct tape and clothes line for authenticity but what I really want to see is the little tool the Lego's people came up with for the aliens to use for probing.)

But wait, there's more toy-ity madness.

This peach was on sale!  For only $5.98 you can purchase Sweet Talkin' Ken for your little princess.  This fun guy will teach your daughter that not only does she need a boyfriend (It says it on his little t-shirt) but she should hold out for one who is a SUPER BOYFRIEND and he talks back to you in his own dulcet-toned voice.  So you can say, "I luv you," and Sweet Talkin' Ken will murmur that sweetness back to you in his voice.  (Other lines I suspect Sweet Talkin' Ken of saying: "You don't really need all those clothes, baby," and "If you loved me you would.")  And look, right behind his head, it says he's the "Ultimate Boyfriend."  Take note, boys, you've got a hard act to follow with Sweet Talkin' Ken plowing the street.

But I'm far from done.

This baby is from the truly creepy line of babies who talk to you.  I want to point out on the package on the lower left it says, "I really eat my doll food," and ickily, "I really 'pee' and 'poop'!"  OMFG, the doll comes with packages of "food" that the proud owner feeds to it's Chuckiness (that's a demonically possessed doll missile aimed at the toy industry) and there's a photo on the back showing the baby-puke-green colored crap that comes out of its odd, teensy, butter bean, plastic butt.  Isn't this just the funnest doll ever?  (I remember having a doll that one fed water to and she peed out the same water about a minute later, but how do you clean the insides of this craptacular piece of child merchandising?)

I had to take a picture of this one because it's from The Empire Strikes Back.  (Kudos to George Lucas for still raking in merchandising monies thirty-odd years later.)  Han rescues Luke in the freezing cold and has to slice open his tauntaun in order to keep Luke warm until Han can put up the shelter.  (Can you believe I didn't have to google any of that?)  Well, this version doesn't have any tauntaun slicing options.  I mean, really.  Pooping babies emitting green crap = okay.  Light-sabered, gushing intestines of made-up creatures = not okay.  Really?

I'm not sure how we ended in this aisle but I couldn't help notice this WWE wrestling guy.  (Not for that reason, you pervs.)  It's the doll's expression.  I mean, he looks like he's about to do what the Baby Alive above was doing with the icktacular green food except in a more solid state.  I don't watch wrestling but did the doll makers check with this guy (this man with very large muscles and a nasty disposition?) before settling on the expression on this doll's face?  Seriously, he looks like he wishes he had the stuff the Baby Alive doll was getting so the steroids would stop constipating him.  Just saying I'm glad I don't make dolls for the WWE.

As this picture clearly illustrates, we wandered though ALL of the toy aisles.  I didn't go willingly.  So when Cressy was about three years old she would watch Thomas the Train as it drove about the island and did strange train things and made bizarre train faces.  Therefore, I cannot fathom how a talking, creepy-ass train gets on a pirate ship.  Well, I suppose it's weird that the train talks to begin with, but let's just take it to the next level.  Thomas the Pirate Train pillages the Spanish Main.  The toy maker's response: "Hey, it works for three-year-olds AND we can sell more toys."  I can't help but notice that Thomas the Train needs a big, freaking life vest 'cause when the pirate ship is sunk by Her Majesty's Navy, he's going to the bottom like a freaky-faced, train shaped rock.

I took a picture of this because this weapon of minimal destruction is the one I want to use on the squirrels who raid my apple trees in the spring.  I want to open my bedroom window a crack and fire with this automatic foam dart gun.  It's got automatic pump action and 12, count 'em, 12 foam darts to shoot.   "SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND, YOU RAT-EFFING SQUIRREL BASTARDS!" I might yell in a particularly antagonistic moment.  (Hey, I wanted to make apple pie and I got one stinking apple last summer because of those flea ridden, acorn hiding nut heads.)  (Note to HIM: Christmas present for me.  Buy extra ammo.)

And here's the extra ammo.  That's what I'm talking about.  I'll foam dart their little bushy tails all the way to the fence.  (That needs to go in a Bubba book.)

This Ken doll had a little lipstick stain on the photo on the box.  I thought it was not in good taste.  And is it me, or does Ken look a little happy to be in the box?  Shouldn't he be, like, Barbie's very cheerful friend, Ken?  Or maybe *Ken*?  Look at him.  He's wearing a pink tie and ready to do a Latin dance step or possibly a Marlo Thomas imitation.  Hey, I don't care if he's really *Ken* but let Mattel be honest about it.  *Ken* should just come out of the plastic closet already.  Mattel, you're not fooling anyone with the little lipstick stain on *Ken*'s cheek.  After all, anyone can put lipstick on.

HOLY SHADES OF YAKUZA, BATMAN!  Naked Barbie boobies!  (Kids, look away from the anatomically incorrect boobie lumps.)  Finally, here's a Barbie I didn't see at Target.  I read about it and HAD to include it in this blog.  Apparently, this special edition Barbie is somewhat provocative because of her extensive body art.  She's called the Tokidoki Barbie and initially sold for $50.  Fortunately for me she's all sold out and is going for about $400 on eBay.  Here she is with her clothes on.  Pink hair and all and funky little dog/thing.  (Is it a cactus costume?  I do not know.)

Enuf said about toys.  After all, it's the season and if you've got children, well, you're just hosed.  Like me.

Okay, one last thing.  There was a comment from the Peanut Gallery about how I should have covered the fake little, non-sillicone having, plastic tatas up.  So here that is.  I don't think it's better, but WTF?  However, it is funnier.


Jo said...

There's a lot of material here for comment, but the most prevailing question is "what the hell is that thing on the leash?"...

Carwoo said...

I know! Is it a cactus/dog? Is it a mutant cat? Whatever it is, it's all part of Mattel's plan to take over the planet. Hahaha. I hate Barbies.

Jerrilynn Atherton said...

You totally made my morning!! Thanks for the laughs!!