My Personal Favs OR Not Writing a New One Today

Okay.  Here's a list of my favorite blogs from myself.  Go to the link and check them out:

The Mystery of the Funky Green Poop.

 

What can I say?  It was a good story and all mostly true.  Some people ask me if what I tell is really true, with the emphasis on really.  It is really twue.  Twue.  Twue.  Twue.  Of course, the sarcasm and hyperbole are all on me.  If I interpret the expression on the doctor's face, then there is a possibility it might not be what the doctor is actually thinking.  Ah, the writer's prerogative; a wondrous gift.

 

 

The Scintillating Saga of the Seven, er, Three Hotdog Samurai OR What Happens When I am Bored and My Daughter Has Input

 

I can't think of a better way to spend time with my daughter or with uncooked hotdogs, toothpicks, and cookie sprinkles.  Also a camera and a vivid imagination.  I got carried away with the ketchup but what the hell?

 

 

John Carter of Mars OR John Carter Does Mars OR Edgar Rice Burroughs is Rolling in his Grave!

 

I love doing movie reviews, especially when I can pan it.  As a matter of fact, there are very few movies I can go to that I can't pan.  (I should probably say won't pan.)  This one was a fav because I always lurved ERB.  (That's Edgar Rice Burroughs for you neophytes.)  When I was twelve I wanted to marry ERB.  Other girls wanted to marry Shaun Cassidy and Barry Manilow.  I wanted to marry a man who'd been dead long before I was born and when I found that out, I was devastated in the manner that only a twelve-year-old can be.  So how dare Hollywood eff up my hero?  Oh well.

 

 

Paranormal Activity OR Why Demons/Ghosts/Supernatural Thingymabobs Never Possess Fat Women

 

This is from another movie I reviewed.  (When I say reviewed, I mean in a general, snarky way that I do.  I should just put the little marks around it for those who are dense.  "Reviewed".  I "reviewed" it.  It was "good."  I was "snarky."  It has been "done.")  Anyway, I love paranormal movies like this one because you can just yank at plot holes all you want.  You can kick the holes.  You can throw a bus through the holes and people will still say stuff like, "Now I have to 'see' this movie."  I would totally watch this movie again so I can make fun of Katie and Micah.  (Which by the way, Micah has always been MI-kah, not Mee-kah.  What's up with that?)

 

 

Pain in the Ass Man Rides Again!

 

I frequently make fun of my husband, HIM, the man to whom I'm married, well, because I can.  Also because he does stuff that inherently lends itself to being made fun of.  I can't help myself.  He's asking for it.  Fortunately HIM does have a sense of humor and doesn't mind much.  (We're still married, right?)

 

There ya go.  My favs.  If you haven't read these, take a minute to shoot some peas/and/or milk out of your nostrils.

Back in the Olden Days OR How I Sound Like my Mother

 

Today I was making lunch for my daughter.  I asked if she wanted pudding in her lunch bag.  She said yes in a mumbling fashion because she was busy playing Mario Kart 8.  I said something like, "They didn't have these when I was your age."  She said, "They didn't have pudding?" because she really was listening.  I said, "No, they had pudding.  You had to make it yourself.  Then you could put it into a cup and eat it."  She said, "Oh," because she isn't really impressed with that.  I said, "They didn't have a lot of things you do when I was your age," which makes me feel like I'm 95 and about to hit someone with my walker.

(I decided my walker would have little sharp pointy things on it and maybe a sword blade I could pull out from one of the handles.  Picture an emo goth walker.  I may wear leather at that age.  When you're 95 you get to wear whatever you want.  It's the law.)

I was reminded of what my mother said when telling me to clean my plate.  "There are starving children in China," she would say, "who would love to eat that."  (Which led me to look for something on Bing and I found this website, which is funny: Starving Kids in China.  Really, it is funny.  I swear.)  I don't think I've ever said that to my daughter.  But I have said, "There are poor people with poor kids who don't even have one stuffed animal, much less bags and bags of plushes you don't even play with."  (Yesterday we were looking for Christmas lights and I found a box with bags of stuffed animals in it.  I'm not even going to look in the bags.  They're going straight to Goodwill.  In fact, I'm going to stop writing this and go put them in the Explorer.)

There.  I'm back.  It's two days later, but I'm back.  I still feel old.  I catch myself saying some of those mother phrases that I hated when I was young.

It makes me think of things Mom said:

1.  Always wear clean underwear in case you're in an accident.  (I would think that would be a moot point if I was in an accident because I'm pretty sure that the clean underwear would no longer be clean.)

2.  Did you flush?  (I have to say this at least twice a day.  That's irony.  Then I forget to flush and don't let Cressy find that out.)

3.  If it were a snake it would have bitten you.  (I wish it was a snake just for a change.)

4.  When I was your age... (I have said this five times in the last week.  After the second time I said I started keeping track.)

And finally,

5.  Bored?  I was never bored at your age.  (Because back in the old days there was only one TV channel, an old cardboard box, and sticks to play with.  I have to threaten Cressy with making her clean something or making her eat broccoli, which is going to backfire on me one day soon.)

Anyway, back in the old days...