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Sunday, June 9, 2013

The Tribulations of a Head Cold OR Fat Woman is Sick; Let Us All Lament and Cry Piteously!

Warning: ranting contained within.  Don't say you haven't been warned.  In fact, don't say that you weren't warned about being warned.  In fact, in fact, if you haven't at least cracked a little smile by now, you should just stop reading.

Ah yes.  Head cold, possibly sinusitis, with adjuncts into bronchitis and/or pneumonia.

I HATE HEAD COLDS!  A head cold is what really wiped out the dinosaurs.  Just ask H.G. Wells.  (Dinosaurs could have been aliens.)

I'm sneezing and sniffling and my nose hurts and the cat wants me to play with him.  I can't win.

I love this movie line.

Colds are like frigging secret spies, determined to RUIN everything.  Feeling good?  Things going your way?  Never fear the COLD VIRUS is here!  It doesn't matter that it's summer time or that you haven't seen anyone with a cold for months because it's out to get YOU!  Yes, YOU!

Has anyone ever had a cold they liked?  Oh, wait I just thought of some of my friends who have allergies and who have told me that it's like having a cold for three months or more.  Okay them I have compassion for.
If you're going to have a cold,
at least have the decency
to have the deluxe
007 version.
So I was looking at home remedies because not only do I have a cold, but HIM, the man to I'm married, ALSO has a cold.  Whoever said togetherness was cute didn't see Fat Woman and HIM together when they both have the cold.  (I should just go stay in a closet for three days.)

Really.  Usually one of us has the good sense to have the cold first while the other one is mildly compassionate and then the other one takes a cold turn.  Never ever ever get colds at the same time.  I told our daughter, Cressy, to make us hot toddies, but she said she was going to play Angry Birds Star Wars instead.  Hah.  Wait until she gets her turn.

Back to the point of home remedies before I get sidetracked again.

I saw the usual standbys with chicken soup, a humidifier, and vitamin C.  Then there was: gargling with sage tea.  Hmm.  Drink lemon juice.  (Not lemonade, which I could do)  Lemon juice, undiluted and without three cups of sugar in it.  I'm pretty sure after the pucker happened, nothing would be going in.  Here's a good one.  Add chopped garlic to honey and consume it every night.  Or cinnamon powder to honey.  Oh carp.  Brief subject change for humorous purposes.  Has everyone not seen what happens when you do the cinnamon challenge?  (Of course it didn't involve honey, but I feel obliged to link it here.)  (By the way, don't do this.  It's bad for you and it's dangerous.  Seriously don't do it.  Just watch the video and don't do it.)

I watched this and I was going, "Don't do it, dumbass!"  I should feel sorry for the woman but I kinda felt like she had it coming.  Honestly she has a lot of guts posting it AND she showed all the nasty details.  (Not that kind of nasty, potty mind.)

Back to funky remedies.  One article mentioned mixing cinnamon, garlic, and cayenne together with lemon juice.  Just to cut through those delays, mix them all together and chug-a-lug.  I'm not doing it.

I hate colds.  I'm making myself a hot toddy and going back to bed where I can snore like Godzilla after a bender in Tokyo.

Hope ya'll don't have my stupid cold.  (Go wash your hands.  Don't forget to sing the happy birthday song while washing to make sure you washed long enough.  Ha.  Try to get that out of your head the next time you wash.)

1 comment:

Sarah R said...

I'm with you- if someone is going to try to swallow a ladle-full of cinnamon (when every home remedy recipe I've ever seen calls for less than a teaspoon) she had it coming. I wonder if this is the same woman I saw in a video a few weeks ago who bit into a habanero pepper thinking it was a piece of fruit, and then tried to put the fire out with a Coke?