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Monday, February 20, 2012

Uh-Oh! Fat Woman Politics! OR This Could Be Ugly!

It's President's Day and we should be thinking of Presidents, am I right?  Or at least, thinking of good ones.

Personally, watching the candidates line up for the Presidential run is like watching a train wreck.  A train wreck that's just confessed its having its sister's husband's baby and it's about to hit an iceberg AND also it's from the planet Omega 9 in the Quark Sector.  (It's hard to look away!)  It dawns on me there should be a special questionnaire for such people because common sense obviously flew away from them and went buh-bye.

So if no one else is going to write it, then I should.  The fact that these candidates need to be reminded that certain aspects of their lives are not conducive to being the President of the USA seems counterproductive.  It should be common-sense, but obviously that boat sailed off into the sunset with Elvis and Marilyn Monroe.

Anyhoo, my rendition for the political candidate who really doesn't want to fool him/herself:

1.  Have you ever had sexual intercourse/sex as defined by Webster's Dictionary or Urban Dictionary with an individual under the age of 18 years while you were over the age of 21 AND that individual was not legally married to you?  If the answer is yes, go back to being a state senator.  If the answer is that the individual was legally married to you and was under the age of sixteen, same problem.  Also if the answer is that the individual was legally married to you and also your first cousin, you should just go on Jerry Springer.  Note: if you ascribe to the William Clinton method of definition of sexual intercourse/sex then you might want to go look at your dictionary and also look for your moral thermometer, too.

2.  Have you ever had sexual intercourse with someone of any age you were not legally married to and you were legally married to someone else at the same time?  Doesn't matter if it was the opposite sex or not.  If the answer is yes, you need to reconsider your political aspirations.

3.  Have you ever smoked/inhaled/ingested/injected an illegal substance while listening to the Moody Blues or possibly Jim Nabors' Christmas songs?  If you say you didn't inhale, you should probably hire a new writer for your political answers.  If the answer is yes, you might want to rethink about running for President, unless you only did it in college and college was at least twenty years previous.

4.  Have you ever been photographed with a sexy blond in your lap while sitting next to a boat called The Monkey Business?  Doesn't matter if the sexy blond was male or female.  If the answer is yes, you better hope they haven't posted it to Facebook, dumbass.  And also WTFWYT?

5.  Were you once known by another name, specifically a name of the opposite sex?  If the answer involves a name that starts with the name of a state, a river, a former president or has 'The' in front of it, you should just hang up your spurs, cowboy, because it ain't happening.  (This falls under the making up names for yourself category brand of trouble-o-rama.  Incidentally, your porn name is the name of your first pet and the name of the first street you lived on, not a number.  Mine?  Popi Date.  Hahahahaha.)

6.  Has one of your employees ever accused you of groping them?  For those of you aspiring noms who are hedging about the definition of groping, groping means that you placed your hands on parts of their anatomy that they protested about.  If the answer is no, but you later settled legally with them for an unknown amount that involved six months of pay, then the answer is really yes.  If the answer is really yes, but you don't want to admit it because that would sound bad, then give it up and just admit you made a mistake.  If the answer is really yes, but it was on a nonsexual aspect of the anatomy and it was really a bad joke, and furthermore, it was on a movie set twenty years ago, then confess it now because you might still have a chance, but only if they change the Constitution and the economy doesn't do a massive number on the state where you were a governator.

7.  Have you ever made $250,000 or more on an investment of $1000 in a dubious land deal?  If the answer is yes, but I didn't know that guy, then I hope you reported it to the IRS.  (Did you know the IRS is still looking for D.B. Cooper?  He didn't report the income on his return when he hijacked the plane and got a ransom.  The IRS never forgets.)  If you didn't report the income then you should pray now.

8.  Have you ever had a nanny/maid/employee who had less than a fully legal standing in the United States?  Also have you ever had an employee who didn't sign a confidentiality agreement?  If the answer is yes to either or both, then you can't run for the big P.  It's the law now.  No complete mo-mo's in the White House.  (I know.  I know.  Just because you call the President a mo-mo doesn't mean he is one, except Ford because NO ONE elected him for anything, except the state of Michigan and they weren't thinking of the Presidency, I'm quite sure.)

9.  Have you ever had an illegitimate child by anyone, but especially while you were married to a member of a prominent New England family?  If the answer is yes, WTFWYT?

10.  Have you ever spied on a political party that was not yours, and furthermore, used government assets to do it?  Then did you lie about it publicly and pretty much step all over your wee-wee?  If the answer is yes, well, you can't run.  It's just common sense and all the dog catcher's positions are full anyway.

11.  Have you ever used a cigar in a manner it was not intended?  Because if the answer is yes, ewww.  And for further emphasis, ewww-mc-ewwiness and ewwwwy squared.  Really.  (Where is that damn blue dress now anyway?)

12.  Have you ever publicly misspelled the word, 'potato'?  Because if the answer is yes, you're a complete idjit and I'm pretty sure that potatoe is another word for noodlebrain .

Since I've just come to the realization the list could go on and on.

My conclusion: I want a fat person to be President.  Bring back Chris Christie.  For anyone who wants to write in Fat Woman, well, I admire your taste but I'd probably offend everything in the Senate and the House within five minutes and nothing would get done.  Alas.
Why?  I haven't snarked on my sister's cat, Mellow, for awhile.  And it
seemed funny.  Hey, she meets all the requirements.  She's thirty-five
in cat years, and born in the United States.  And hey, HIM sez
she couldn't be any worse than the noodlebrains running now.


Sara said...

Somehow I don't think I'll get top billing in the porn world with "Shep County Road E"...

Tia Chandler said...

I'll vote for Mellow. Of course I'd vote for a Mickey Mouse/Donald Duck ticket over the current establishment. I just hope peeps pay attention to the Senate elections because the presidential candidates all need to go home.

C R Ward said...

I'm Canadian, so I don't get a say, but I think Mellow would make a great prez. :-)

JoaniB said...

Okay, it's official. I have a platonic girl-crush on you. I love your writing, and you so often write what I'm thinking! Rick Perry....well, just Rick Perry. Mwahahahaha. If any of these republican candidates can actually get elected, I will know that the first national episode of "Punked" has been played out.

Carwoo said...

Is Rick Perry still in the running? Cause I thought he got kicked out about a month ago, or ignored by the press or something. And yes, Mellow needs a campaign manager now. Mellow for Prez. Is anyone old enough to remember a comic book about a kid who was the Prez, I think it was called Prez. I don't know why I read it but for some stupid reason I remember it. What am I doing? I think I'm writing another blog here. I better stop.

Jo said...

Actually, if you got voted in and offended everyone in the Cabinet, the Senate, and the House, you could make them all go home and replace them with the people/cats of your choice. Win/win!

thoughtsappear said...

Monday was Presidents' Day? I thought we had off work for National Margarita Day. Oops.

Carwoo said...

Bwahahaha. National Margrita Day. I bet there is one, right? If so today is National Blue Screaming Viking Day. I love blogging.

Carwoo said...

And I googled it. Today is National Margarita Day. Seriously,
go get your tequila.