So my sister wants the Viking funeral pyre on the longboat. (She doesn't know it, but she's going to get it, if I have anything to do with it. I may have to spend the rest of the funeral in jail, but I'm going to launch that boat with her on it and it's going to be weenie roasting time.) (You do realize that I'm speaking of the point in time AFTER she dies, and hopefully a long, long time from now of natural causes or possibly in an exciting manner that will have her hailed in the annals of time as the woman who did...that, that thing that everyone will remember FOREVER. Either way.)
However, I did find this link: Crestone End of Life Project. I quote, "Crestone End of Life Project operates one of the only legal, open-air cremation sites in the state of Colorado." There ya go. It's not a Viking longboat, but it's open air. And it looks like Stonehenge. (Except for the white plastic chair on the side and I'm pretty sure I would be wearing a particulate safety mask with ventilator. "Gee, I liked George a lot, but I don't want pieces of flaming, cremated George in my lungs." But that's just me.)
|These people don't seem to be crying and wailing much.|
Is it just me or maybe they didn't really like
the person who's getting the torch treatment? Possibly
they're unhappy that the cremation didn't
come with pre-sharpened sticks and marshmallows.
And look, even long-in-the-tooth actors want the Viking funeral. Jeff Conaway, who costarred in Grease, way back when, did a little time on Taxi, and then meandered through godawful 'b' movies and half-rated television series until he died earlier this year. Well, very recently and very creepily he had an interview and said he wanted a Viking funeral. Jeff Conaway on the Viking Funeral. This is really weird because he died shortly after that. (Complications of pneumonia and stuff. Not because he incinerated himself in a wooden vessel whilst floating on a local body of water. Hey, who wants to start an urban legend? Like Mikie from the television commercial eating Pop Rocks and drinking cola at the same time? Or like Walt Disney being cryogenetically frozen? I remember my 7th grade teacher was adamant about Walt. And she had a college degree, allegedly.) Reputedly Jeff was cremated but in a non-Viking funeral manner. Too bad. If a Hollywood star can't get it, then who can?
When I die...I want a party.
No, a party!
No, A PARTY!!!!
I want a wake, except I'm not, nor have I ever been, Irish. I want people to come and get a shot of an alcoholic drink they've never had before. I want people to try exotic drinks. I want everyone to play a song with kazoos. I want everyone to sing and dance and get rowdy. I want the police to be called at least three times. I want to reserve a cab driver for the night to drive people to their homes and hotels because they can't even find their keys much less drive anywhere. I want exotic food served. And possibly Chippendale's dancers to perform. (Hmm. I can see that I'm going to have to put a little money aside for this event. Possibly I can use Cressy's college fund. Nahhh.)
Let's be clear here. 1). I shall be cremated. No embalming. No fancy casket. Get the cheap one. Then burn me up. Don't burn up the good jewelry. I want to wear full make-up. I want purple sparkly nail polish on my toes. I want platinum hair and all poofy. I want a little beauty mark like Madonna has. Make the mortician put a smile on my face even if he has to use toothpicks, super glue, and titanium staples. Hell, put a bottle of Amaretto in there for the heck of it. Then go ahead and cremate me.
2). The cremains (I didn't make up that word. It means cremated remains. I think I heard it on Six Feet Under.) shall be interred in a large jar. (Not a glass one.) Oh, what the snoogybot, I included some examples:
|I'm thinking the one that needs the least amount of maintenance.|
I mean I want my cremains to look good, but I don't want a lot
of fuss. Hey, I might know.
4.) Party guests must wear a pirate ensemble. Also acceptable, viking ensembles, vampire ensembles, and steampunk ensembles. No Richard Nixons or fluffy animals allowed unless it is clearly represented as a zombie Tricky Dick or a zombie animal. All zombies welcome.
|Well, they won't have Nixon to kick around...so to speak.|
|Fire in the Hole Chili Beer. Gahh!|
|Does this taste better with pizza?|
7.) The police shall be called no less than three times by neighbors living three blocks away. Otherwise, they would have been invited. Then the police shall be invited to the party. This shall be followed by the inviting of the fire department, the VFW, and the entire cast of The Rocky Horror Picture Show, if they're still alive and able to party.
8.) At the break of dawn, multicolored kazoos will be issued to the guests and AC/DC's 'Back in Black' shall be kazooed with gusto and flair. (I really like AC/DC. It's better than taps and who wants to hear 'Wind Beneath My Wings'...again?)
9.) All those who are still conscious can be escorted home via taxi. Everyone else will be recorded via Android and their drunken, unconscious, probably-posed-in-a-silly-fashion pictures posted on my website for posterity.
That's a party.
In conclusion. I want to die and then have a party. Maybe I should have a party and then die. That would work too. (Cressy may attend as a zombie but she can't drink unless she's twenty-one years old and every man there previously agrees not to hit on her. I can be a mother from beyond the grave, or in my case, beyond the mantle.)