How I Choose to Exercise the Freedom of Speech OR Really, Seriously, Really?

Recently a certain anonymous person made the following comment on one of my blogs:

This is literally the most stupid shit I've ever read. I wish I could take the 5 minutes and 20 seconds or whatever back that I just wasted of my life back. YOU pulled your calf muscle, probably because you're lazy as fuck and havent stretched it since middle school gym class.

Fat bitch complaining because she's an impatient, ignorant cunt.

This person felt compelled to share their opinion about my opinions on Pier 1 and about myself.  I now feel compelled to mention a lovely amendment to the Constitution of the United States of America:

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

Isn't free speech a lovely right to have?  Isn't it nice to be able to say what you're thinking?  Isn't it wondrous to have that freedom because you live in a country that allows you to have that freedom?  And I only bring this up because the person who just insulted me seems to be under the misinterpretation that I have to just take it, that I don't get to respond, even when the person is...da...da...dah...anonymous, a person who is too cowardly and craven to acknowledge that he or she is the author of a cold, lowbrow insult of the poorest quality.  While I detest stooping to that person's level, I can't help thinking, Haha.

Why yes.  Yes, it is.

With that in mind, I can only say a few things to Mr. or Ms. Anonymous.  Are fat bitch and impatient, ignorant cunts the very best insults you could come up with?  Were those the limits of your woefully inadequate and limited intellect?  Did your brain explode from the knowledge that you had posted a comment and told the author a "thing or two"?  Were you pleased that you were able to actually spell "impatient" correctly?

Oh, the pity I feel for you at this moment.  Allow me to bend to your stunted, impotent, wretched level of doltishness and assist you with a few undaunted insults.  Possibly you could memorize the ones that you understand, if you can get past having to look up words in the dictionary.  (I'm certain you don't own a dictionary so use one online. http://www.merriam-webster.com/)  Of course, if you can manage to read all of the words in a tolerable amount of time not limited by your use of your index finger pointing out each of the words, as well as moving your lips to sound them out.  (Whoops, one slipped past me.  I couldn't help it.)  In any case, here's some help for you, so that you won't look quite so stupid when you post your paltry, sad insults on the next blog that vexes your imbecilic sensibilities.

1. I was hoping for a battle of wits but you appear to be grievously unarmed and horridly indefensible.

2.  When you spoke your mind, you obviously didn't have even a bit of anything left in it.

3.  It isn't that I'm not a people person, it's that I'm not a stupid people person.

4.  I just stepped in something that was smarter than you, and it smelled better, too.

5.  Come back and post a comment when your I.Q. exceeds your age.  Or possibly your bra size.

6.  Your village just called.  They're missing an idiot.

7.  Calling you stupid is actually an insult to stupid people.

8.  It's a good bet that your brain feels very good, seeing as how you've never actually used it.

9.  Walmart called for you.  They've run out of stupid.

10.  What's on your mind?  You'll have to forgive the overstatement.

Well, I feel better now.

And for my favorite insult of all time...

I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't get my head that far up my ass.  Good luck getting yours out of your ass without needing to see a proctologist.