Lessons Learned as a Mother

As it is Mother's Day, it is apropos.  Before motherdom I was unaware of many things.  I firmly believe that I owe my mommy friends apologies from the time that I was not a parent and they were and I thought something nasty about them because their child interrupted them while we were on the phone.  (I did not understand!  I'm sorry!)  So here are a few of things I've learned.

1.  Baby poop comes in every color, shape, and consistency imaginable.  Blue, yes.  Green, yes.  Brown, for sure.  Pink, fuchsia, yellow, magenta, puce, some other colors too.  It's true.  Also just because your child weighs twenty pounds doesn't mean they're going to poop out a child sized turd.  No, they can go full metal jacket because it's an unwritten law.  If they didn't fill up their diapers (ALL THE WAY UP SO THAT IT SPOOGED OUT) at least on one occasion, it's because there was something wrong with their intestinal track.

2.  You can get by with five hours of sleep.  In fact, you can get by with three hours of sleep.  Sure there might be optical delusions happening and you might want to limit your driving of your car.  (The popo doesn't consider newborn and/or colicky baby as legitimate excuses for running a stoplight.)

3.  In direction correlation to number 2, cat napping will save your life.  One must learn to take naps when one can.  On the dining room table, of course.  On the living room floor surrounded by parts of Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head, oh yeah.  In the car while the kid sacked out in the back, hell yes.

4.  Babies can and will fall asleep in the car when you most don't want them to.  If you're going home with the kid and a nap is due, they will be asleep by the time you get home.  It's the law.  And carrying them into the house WILL wake them up.

5.  Do you remember all that stuff that Mom used to say to you as a child?  If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.  Because I told you so.  If your friend jumped off a cliff, would you jump off a cliff?  There are starving children in China who would love to have that.  You know those things.  Well, you swore you wouldn't, but the truth is, you will say that.  They will pop out of your mouth faster than the Millennium Falcon on the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs.  Furthermore, you will know you're saying these things and wince while you're saying them, but you can't not say them.  (Okay, who got the Star Wars reference without thinking about it?)

6.  It's okay to play every game with your kid.  Go ahead, try out the tunnels at McDonalds.  They smell like pee, but you may never do it again.

Okay, there wasn't something else about
baby poop but I felt compelled to
add this.

Happy mother's day, ya'll.